— Even when all the signs are there and you recognize how hurtful your partner’s behavior is, it can still be difficult to admit you are being emotionally abused. It can be embarrassing to acknowledge that you’ve allowed yourself to be humiliated, manipulated, demeaned, dismissed and controlled. It is particularly embarrassing for men to admit this, but women are often ashamed to admit it as well—especially if they are competent and successful in other areas of their life.
The word “abuse” is itself filled with shame and in our culture, victims of any kind of abuse have been stigmatized and made to feel that they are weak for putting up with abuse. But emotional abuse is nothing to be ashamed of. Emotional abuse is far more common than physical abuse and it cuts across all social, economic, racial, and religious lines. While it is hard to determine the exact number of women and men who are emotionally abused worldwide, we know that the number is astronomical.
According to one famous study, 35% of all womenwho are or have been in married or common-law relationships have experienced emotionalabuse. In comparison, 29% of women have been physically assaulted by their male partners and we know that many of these women were also emotionally abused.
Shockingly, new findings from the National Intimate Partner & Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS) found that approximately half of Americans reported experiencing a lifetime of emotional abuse by a partner.
Many people who are being emotionally abused tell themselves that their relationship is just going through a rough patch or rationalize that their partner is under a great deal of stress. Although they may suffer from many of the effects of emotional abuse such as: depression, lack of motivation, confusion, difficulty concentrating or making decisions, low self-esteem, feelings of failure or worthlessness, feelings of hopelessness, self-blame and self-destructiveness—they do not connect these symptoms with the way their partner is treating them.
Others may not want to face the fact that they are being emotionally abused because it would require them to admit that their relationship has become destructive or force them to face the painful truth about how their partner feels about them. For many, facing the extent of emotional abuse that has occurred in their relationship would force them to take some action—such as entering marital or individual counseling or even ending the relationship. These actions can be very fear-provoking.
To help you identify whether you are being emotionally abused I have provided the following questionnaire.
Are You Being Emotionally Abused?
1. Do you feel you have no voice in your relationship? Like you are unimportant?
2. Do you feel like a failure as a partner even though you work hard to please your partner or “get it right”?
3. Do you feel angry, depressed, and anxious because you constantly obsess over trying to solve the problems in the relationship?
4. Does your partner feel you are the one who is responsible for all the problems in the relationship?
5. Does your partner constantly blame or criticize you?
6. Does your partner treat you like a child? Does he constantly correct you or chastise you because your behavior is “inappropriate”?
7. Does your partner need to control all or most aspects of your life? Do you feel you must “get permission” before going somewhere or before making even the smallest decisions? Do you have to account for any money you spend or does he attempt to control your spending (even though he has no problem spending on himself)?
8. Have you stopped seeing many or all of your friends and/or family since being in this relationship? Did you do this because your partner dislikes them, feels jealous of the time you spent with them, or because you are ashamed of the way he treats you in front of them?
9. Does your partner treat you as if you are “less than” or inferior to her? Does your partner make a point of reminding you that you are less educated or that you make less money or that you aren’t as attractive as she is?
10. Does your partner routinely ridicule, dismiss, or disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions and feelings?
11. Does your partner constantly belittle your accomplishments, your aspirations, or your plans for the future?
12. Do you find yourself “walking on eggshells”? Do you spend a lot of time monitoring your behavior and/or watching for your partner’s bad moods before bringing up a
subject?
13. Did you stop seeing friends and family because you are ashamed of the fact that you’re still with him, even though you’ve complained to them many times about the way he treats you?
14. Does your partner usually insist on getting her own way? Does she want to be the one to decide where you will go, what you will do and whom you will do it with?
15. Does your partner punish you by pouting, withdrawing from you, giving you the silent treatment or by withholding affection or sex if you don’t do things his way?
16. Does your partner frequently threaten to end the relationship if you don’t do things her way?
17. Does your partner constantly accuse you of flirting or of having affairs even though it isn’t true?
18. Does your partner feel he or she is always right?
19. Does your partner seem impossible to please? Does she constantly complain to you about some aspect of your personality, your looks, or the way you choose to run your life?
20. Does your partner frequently put you down or make fun of you in front of others?
21. Does your partner blame you for his problems? For example, is it your fault he flies off the handle and starts screaming? Does he tell you he wouldn’t do it if you didn’t make him so mad? Are you to blame for her problem with compulsive overeating? Because he has a drinking problem? Are you blamed because if he didn’t have to support you and the kids he would have been able to finish college or fulfill his dream of becoming an actor (author, musician, singer, etc.)
22. Does your partner feel you are the one who is responsible for all the problems in the relationship?
23. Does your partner’s personality seem to go through radical changes? Is she pleasant one minute only to be furious the next? Does he become enraged with only the slightest provocation? Does she experience periods of extreme elation followed by periods of severe depression? Does his personality seem to change when he drinks alcohol?
24. Does your partner tease you, make fun of you, or use sarcasm as a way to put you down or degrade you? Does he especially like to do this in front of others? When you complain does he tell you it was just a joke and that you are too sensitive or don’t have a sense of humor?
25. Is your partner unable to laugh at herself? Is she extremely sensitive when it comes to others making fun of her or making any kind of comment that seems to show a lack of respect?
26. Does your partner find it difficult or impossible to apologize or admit when he is wrong? Does he make excuses for his behavior or tend to blame others for his mistakes?
27. Does your partner constantly pressure you for sex or try to persuade you to engage in sexual acts that you find repulsive? Has he ever threatened to find someone else who will have sex with him or who will engage in the activities he is interested in?
If you answered “yes” to even a few of these questions, you are being emotionally abused. The sad truth is, you may have actually responded with a “yes” to many of these questions and you may be surprised to realize that much of your partner’s behavior toward you is actually emotionally abusive. While this is a difficult truth to face, it can also be a liberating one. As the old saying goes, truth can actually set you free.
Your Reactions to the Questionnaire
Reading the above questions has likely caused you to have some strong emotional reactions. Pay attention to these reactions. For example, how did you feel each time you read a question that described the way your partner treats you? Were you surprised to realize that this behavior is considered emotionally abusive? Or did you feel validated to realize that your suspicion that you were being emotionally abused was accurate?
Did you find that you tended to make excuses for your partner’s behavior? Or did you minimize his behavior, telling yourself that “he doesn’t do this very often”? It is difficult to admit to yourself that your partner treats you in emotionally abusive ways so it is understandable that you would make excuses for or minimize his behavior. As you continue reading and doing the exercises I have provided you will find that it will become easier to admit the truth to yourself.
I want to note that more than anything else, what characterizes an emotionally abusive relationship is a consistent pattern of hurtful, humiliating and condescending behavior. For example, if your partner treats you in any of the above ways only rarely, this can be fairly normal. Not healthy, but not necessarily abusive. It is when your partner treats you in any of these above ways on a consistent basis, when his abusive behavior becomes more the norm than the exception, that you can confidently say that you are being emotionally abused.
A word of caution: A common quality of many of those who are being abused is to have an odd sense of “fairness” that can actually get in your way of seeing things clearly. For example, some of you, after looking at the above questionnaire, may resist acknowledging you are being emotionally abused by saying to yourself, “But I am guilty of some of these same behaviors. How can I accuse him of being emotionally abusive if I do the same things?”
Again, focus on the idea of a pattern of behavior. We all treat our partners in some of these ways from time to time. No one is perfect. So even if you occasionally treat your partner in some of the above ways, it doesn’t mean you are an emotional abuser, especially if your treatment of him or her is in reaction to his treating you in emotionally abusive ways on a constant basis. I’m not excusing your behavior, but we all tend to treat others the way they treat us. If you occasionally lose your cool after your partner has been barraging you with criticism and you blurt out an insult or criticize him in return, you are not beingemotionally abusive. If you sometimes yell at him or call him names in response to his cruelty, you are not an emotional abuser. And if you sometimes refuse to talk to him for hours or days at a time because you feel so wounded that you feel you need to isolate yourself from him to lick your wounds, you are not giving him the silent treatment. Don’t let your overblown need to be “fair’ prevent you from seeing what is actually happening in your relationship.
In the next chapter, we will focus on the specific tactics used by emotional abusers. This will help you even further to tell yourself the truth about your relationship and about the way your partner treats you…
