— We’ve all heard variations of the saying that we have to love ourselves before we can love another. We at least need to like ourselves and we can’t like ourselves if we don’t know and respect ourselves. We know ourselves by finding our element, spending time reflecting and paying attention as we said in Practice One. We respect ourselves by exhibiting self-mastery and self-discipline, as mentioned in Practice Three. Stephen Covey says self-mastery and self-discipline are the foundation of good relationships with others.
Why is this? Inevitably, tough times descend upon a relationship. If we do not have the inner-security, self-awareness, proactivity, and self-discipline of a truly independent person, we may regress to comforting addictions, finger-pointing, or simply giving up and leaving the relationship. Our personal integrity gives us the grit, the values to prioritize, and the strong character to stick through the rough spots. If we only have relational skills that help us gain power over others or achieve material rewards, i.e. résumé virtues, we will not know how to dig deep and access our eulogy virtues. Eulogy virtues are created and uncovered as we experience independence and important relationships. Knowing and liking ourselves gives us the stability to create effective relationships.
A client of mine learned the value of independent maturity when about six months into a new relationship she received a work assignment that would take her out-of-state 50% of each week for months. She knew her absence could have a dramatic negative effect on the relationship. The time away would be lonely and take a lot of her energy. If she was not careful, she and her boyfriend could drift apart. She could get so worn out that all she wanted to do when she came home was lie on the couch and watch television. Through self-awareness and self-discipline, she prioritized her health and relationship. She made effective choices that created an intentional schedule. While away and at home, she made plans to work out most mornings. She watched her diet while traveling. It was easy to slip into giant heavy meals at restaurants while on the road but she knew all that excessive eating would only further deplete her energy and add to her midsection. She and her boyfriend spoke on the phone often when she was gone. When home, she spent as much time as possible with him, while still maintaining her home, getting good rest and occasionally meeting with friends. This client was not an introvert, so the energy and socializing were possibly easier to manage but she still had to be aware of her priorities, be dependable, and be proactive and intentional for the relationship to thrive during her absences.
ACTION STEPS FOR LOVING YOURSELF SO YOU CAN GIVE TO ANOTHER PERSON:
1. Know yourself. Practice paying attention, spending time in solitude and with significant others who mirror your good and bad traits. Figure out your values and let them guide you and keep you focused.
2. Like yourself. Gain self-respect by proactively applying self-discipline. Hold yourself responsible by starting a new fitness program or a new job. Start small, wash dishes every day.
3. Become whole. Intentionally work on skills or preferences that challenge you. If you are intensely logical, for example, try following your gut or your heart next time a decision must be made.
4. It is possible to be in a loving relationship while you learn self-discipline and self-respect, but the difficult times in the relationship will be extra challenging due to your budding independence and lack of self-mastery. Seek a partner who desires a committed, growth-fostering relationship. They will make your concerns their concerns and offer support and relief when they see you are stressed.
