These are some of my favorite passages in “The Healing” by Lynda Schmidt.
Back On Vancouver Island, Cate is excited to be reunited with Fredrick, ready to get back into her routine. She sends a text to Finn.
“Driving up the Malahat now. There in 10 minutes.”
She pulls onto Finn’s gravel driveway and leaps from
the car, throwing the keys into her handbag. As she climbs the wooden stairwell she can hear a ruckus inside Finn’s apartment. Her knock on the door goes unanswered, so she tries the knob and discovers it is unlocked. She crosses the threshold to arrive into total chaos. The apartment is a mess, as Cate is discovering is par for the course.
“Finn? It’s Cate,” she calls out to no answer. She steps over a pile of dirty laundry before she turns into the kitchen where she sees Finn on his phone. He waves to her but doesn’t interrupt his call. Fredrick comes scampering over, his tail wagging like crazy, and she bends down to pet him while he licks her hand. Cate starts to pick up Fredrick’s belongings, which are scattered all over the place.
His water dish and food bowl, crusty with remnants, are on the kitchen floor. She gathers everything up and puts it into Fredrick’s Rubbermaid storage container and waits a few more minutes, but Finn is still on the phone. The television blares. Finn’s teenage kids yell at one another. It is all she can do not to cry.
“Text me later,” she yells over the din. “I’m going to take Fredrick home.”
Finn barely seems to register, and Cate departs without a reply.
On the drive home, Cate is lost in thought. She knows that Finn is not her love. She reminds herself she isn’t looking for love, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t want something more. She considers the many red flags, the biggest of which is her discontent. She doesn’t feel appreciated. She tells herself not to be judgmental, that these little things don’t matter, but they do. Cate is beginning to understand that acceptance isn’t about settling, it’s about choosing. She wants something Finn can’t give her, and she knows it isn’t fair to either one of them to keep dragging it on.
When Cate gets home she cuddles up with Fredrick on the couch. She cries softly into his thick fur, grieving her loss. When she is done, she feels inspired to write and gets out her journal.
Angels dancing on my shoulders. Fairies skipping lightly over the Earth, leaving not a trace. Seashells still covering my wounds. I’m yearning for something deeper. A knowing in my heart, rooted in my Spirit.
I know the dance. The Teacher was here and danced and called us to love. If you have ears, listen, he said.
The purpose of our existence is love and only love. Part of loving myself is not accepting less than I desire. Part of loving myself is listening to my heart.
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