GENDER EQUALITY FOR ALL HUMAN BEINGS

These are some inspiring and insightful passages in “A Global Dialogue on Masculinity: 33 Men Speak Out” by Gayle Kimball

 

— We are limited by outdated gender stereotypes, both men in their lack of access to a wide range of emotions and caregiving and women in their limited access to leadership and power. It’s in our best interest to move towards flexibility and being instrumental or nurturant as circumstances require. This means we stop telling boys not to cry or be like girls and stop telling girls to be nice little ladies. We need to encourage girls to go into leadership and STEM fields of science and technology and boys into caregiving professions, like many of the men in this book, did as therapists, instructors, and heads of helping organizations.

The consensus of our experts is that boys and men are not permitted to show vulnerability, a word often repeated in this book. From the Netherlands, Stephan van de Ven, 32, said, “I don’t know how to really express my emotions, not having had that many examples in my environment from men around me, from movies, from TV series, or anything.” This prejudice shuts down even being aware of some emotions, which is why EVRYMAN and other men’s groups begin with identifying body sensations.

Asking for help may require being vulnerable, which fits in the “threat to masculinity” danger zone. This fear of being perceived as weak contributes to men’s health problems and a higher suicide rate. Being shut down emotionally also inhibits men’s intimate relations with people they love, one of the reasons why women in English-speaking countries are much more likely to initiate divorce than men. Femininity is seen by sexists as weakening precarious masculinity and can increase the fear of intimacy.

Divorce and poverty lead to an increase in single-mother households, which MIT Economics Professor David Autor links to worse outcomes for the boys than the girls with single mothers. This is part of the explanation of why boys are falling behind girls in higher education. This equation is shutting down boys’ expression of human feelings leads to health and relationship difficulties, which is especially harmful to boys raised by single mothers. As Jed Diamond said, mothers, can’t teach boys what it means to be a man. The solution is to educate parents and teachers about how to encourage boys to be in touch with the full range of human feelings, as modeled in countries like Denmark.[i] As with other social and environmental problems, solutions are available but the will to implement them is lacking.

Why are some men willing to advocate for changes in male socialization and risk being seen as outside the norm of masculine interests? We’ve learned that it’s mostly women who take men’s studies college courses. Our changemakers, similar to men I interviewed for 50:50 Marriage and 50:50 Parenting, were influenced by a very positive or very negative role model, either a loving involved father (the minority) or an absent father due to death, divorce, or long work hours.

Many of our contributors felt that they didn’t fit the masculinity standard as boys and were concerned about ways girls and boys were harmed by sexism. Gary Barker’s female friends told him about forced sex, leading him to want to take action as a man: “This kind of manhood, with so much violence and anger, is not who I think I am.” With feminist analysis, John Stoltenberg said, “I felt freedom from the cookie-cutter I was trying to fit into. I found it was possible to be who I am without constantly thinking about, am I male enough?”

Many of the contributors agree that schools need to accommodate boys’ need for more physical activity, especially with many boys being developmentally behind girls. Boys of color act out their own versions of masculinity, which may include looking at school success as “acting white,” as our men of color reported. Wanting improvement in gender liberation, changemakers organize men’s groups, teach courses, research and write about gender socialization practices and lobby for legislative change--particularly in child custody.

The common concern for gender liberation and equal opportunity doesn’t mean these activists are united. Every progressive or liberal group I know argues over who is most politically pure and the men’s movement is no exception. They debate who is most oppressed by traditional gender roles and if gender is more shaped by nature or nurture. As Michael Messner reports, “Those schisms between different groups run pretty deep and have been going on for many decades.”

Men’s rights advocates think men suffer more, while feminists think women suffer more from gendered power systems. The latter don’t want to talk with the former, thinking problematically in a zero-sum game so that if I win, you lose. Daniel Ellenberg reported, “It’s remarkable how many smart, professional people seem to think it's an either/or game. I think it's both/and. It tends to trigger a lot of vitriol from different folks. Until we change our mindset about it, we're still going to be at war.” Some blame the peer-led men’s groups for not being political and “getting stuck looking at our own belly buttons,” as Barker said. However, many of our men have been part of men’s groups.

What surprised me from interviewing these men of different ages, ethnicities, nationalities, religions, and ideologies is that some felt disadvantaged in relationships and in school, including young men like Tristan Glosby. (I Hate Men is  the title of a recent book by Pauline Harmange, translated from French.) I was also surprised that young men still hear, “don’t be a sissy.” Some felt being male was under fire with the frequent use of the phrase “toxic masculinity.”

Progress certainly isn’t a straight line upward, as evidenced in the sexist cult led by Donald Trump. George Simons finds in international surveys that about one-third of men support gender equality. I’m hopeful because Generations Y and Z tend to not limit themselves in regards to their gender roles or skin color. They have models to emulate as they assume more political power, learning from Nordic gender equality programs, Danish emotional literacy instruction for children, research on boy’s development (like that done by Andrew Smiler and Warren Farrell), and support groups for boys like those developed by Jerry Tello and Ashanti Branch. Promundo and MenEngage provide models of how to involve boys and men in activism for gender equality for all human beings.

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REALITY IS NOT WHAT WE THINK IT IS

These are some inspiring and insightful passages in “The Mysteries of Healing: Dialogues with Doctors and Scientists” by Gayle Kimball

 

— Many of our scientific beliefs are limited in that they can’t account for the evidence that consciousness exists beyond the brain. The dominant materialist paradigm denies the power of spirit, the miracles of mind and feelings over matter, unconscious access to information, and the possibility of other dimensions beyond what our physical senses tell us—including life after death. The dominant worldview is like the Flatland novel published in 1884 about a two-dimensional world. When the hero first discovers a three-dimensional place, he is only able to see a flat circle. When he sees more and reports back on his discovery, he’s persecuted. It’s also like the story of the Emperor’s New Clothes where the crowd applauds the lie that the naked emperor is wearing beautiful new robes until a small boy has the courage to speak the truth. The dominant worldview often ridicules those with the vision to see other dimensions beyond Flatland, while visionary scientists see the denial of anything but the physical as dogma that ignores extensive research and inhibits our access to subtle information.

Reality is not what we think it is—that’s what I learned from visionary scientists. Common sense erroneously tells us that we live in a solid material world, that atoms are like billiard balls is all false. As physicist Max Planck said in 1931, “I have spent my entire life studying atoms and molecules and I’m here to tell you that they don’t exist.” He explained in his book The New Science that there is no matter as such because atoms vibrate and are held together by a force that indicates a “conscious and intelligent mind. This mind is the matrix of all matter,” thus, matter is derived from consciousness. The materialist belief is that all information comes from the physical senses via the brain although many people experience ESP, telepathy, a precognitive dream or intuition, awareness of being stared at, or a dramatic near-death experience (NDE) that reveals other dimensions, as it did for neurosurgeon Eben Alexander.* Animals also have these abilities, as evidenced in Rupert Sheldrake’s research on dogs that are aware of when their person will come home, even at an unexpected time.

The materialist model of science has, of course, produced a great deal, as evidenced in technologies that can send a person to in learning very much about our physical surroundings. Over 95% of the universe is invisible dark matter and dark energy that repels gravity.3 These mysterious forces have been measured and their effects described but not understood. Various theories try to made of atoms comprises less than 5% of the universe. One interpretation of quantum physics predicts multi-universes beyond the known universe that remain a mystery to us.4

Neither do we know much about the earth under our feet, revealed by Robert Macfarlane in The Hidden Depths of the Underland Fabulous Fungi. The mycelium that rises to the sur- face as mushrooms are intelligent in that they solve problems, just as slime mold does. The “secret lives” of trees and how they communicate is revealed by biologist Monica Gagliano in Thus Spoke the Plant. The classic Secret Lives of Plants by Peter Tompkins and Christopher Bird also reveals mysteries around us.

Similarly, genes with a known coding function make up only about 1.5% of our DNA structure, while the non-coding genes are called “junk” and dismissed as useless.5 In regards to their function, computational biologist Ewan Birney said, “It’s slightly depressing as in understanding these things is having a list of things that one has to understand, and that’s what we’ve got here.” Biologists are learning — but changes in response to our emotions and our environment. William Bengston* concludes, “I can tell you there is nothing more liberating than realizing everything you think is true is wrong.”

The visionary scientists are intuitive types rather than sensing personality types on the Keirsey and Bates scale (available online to compare your scores with the scientists.)10 Only two men scored sensing rather than intuitive. They’re more extroverted than the Feeling, and very close but slightly more Judging, called “Idealist Teachers or Champions.” Some are interested in the Enneagram as to tool for self-understanding, like Charles Tart* and Judith Swack.* (More about their typologies is on the book website.)

Some readers wondered why I included astrological types in a book about science: Their most common signs are Sagittarius (10), Aquarius, and Libra (both 8). One reason is astrology is a shorthand curious how they’d respond to a controversial topic. I’ve found me by its position in the constellation Aries the ram in my 10th house of occupation, indicating I’ve focused on work. The visionary scientists enjoy their research and get grounded by being in nature. An unusual number are also musicians or singers. “Curious” is the most common word they use to describe their drive to understand reality on a deep level and they like being on the cutting edge of discovery.

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CALM PARENTS — RESILIENT CHILDREN – ENJOABLE LIFE!

These are some inspiring and insightful passages in “Calm Parents and Children: A Guidebook” by Gayle Kimball

 

— “It's not the load that breaks you down, It's the way you carry it.”  Lena Horne

— “I want to be improbable, beautiful, and afraid of nothing, as though I had wings.”  Mary Oliver

 

We live in challenging and stressful times with the pace of change speeding up in the increasingly globalized world. This section addresses how we can raise centered children with calm parents who know how to manage stress. Eva Detko, Ph.D. created an Emotional Toxicity Questionnaire to check out your state of mind.  A stress test identifies the most difficult life changes, with the death of a spouse and divorce at the top of the list.  The Greater Good Science Center offers a stress and anxiety quiz, along with many other self-studies such as describing your happiness level or your social capital.

Our brain changes according to our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, which can be measured in changing brain waves, such as gamma waves are associated with being relaxed and happy while highly alert. Therefore, “what we focus on matters” as we create new neuronal pathways.  This is not new knowledge: Proverbs 23:7 stated, “For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he,” and the Buddha said, “The mind is everything. What we think, we become.”

A simple technique is when an unhealthy craving or habit surfaces, focus on something else like counting backward and tapping on the forehead. You might keep a diary to track your triggers to be aware of what situations to avoid or change.

Stress overload underlies the large majority of health problems, according to Laurel Mellin, Ph.D. author of What’s My Number? and other books. She reports that our stress level can impact others around us and underlies up to 90% of health problems.  She advocates treating stress overload by learning how to rewire the brain by activating emotions, rather than with cognitive changes or treating symptoms with medications. She finds that positive thinking and cognitive restructuring don’t erase the problematic brain circuits but activating emotions and clearing them does the job. Hence her method is called Emotional Brain Training--research about EBT is available online.

Dr. Mellin explains that since our emotions are “psychobiological,”  the key to coping with stressors is to train the brain’s neuronal circuits. She explains that when the brain receives a stimulus it responds with either the stress-resilient or stress-reactive circuits, depending on which is the most imprinted by habits that usually began in childhood. The reactive circuit triggers emotions that can inhibit the brain’s rational processes so that we over-eat or over-drink, get anxious and depressed and so on. New habits can change the brain so that the resilient mode kicks in instead of the emotionally-reactive mode.

Dr. Mellin explains the clearing process according to five different levels of stress with five tools to feel joy--associated with dopamine and endorphins--in her book What’s My Number? She suggests starting your day with the statement “I am creating joy in my life.”

Scientist Candace Pert, Ph.D. also advocates clearing emotions in The Molecules of Emotion, but using meditation to counter ongoing stress that impacts our physiology in this manner:

. . . the largely autonomic processes that are regulated by peptide flow, such as breathing, immunity, digestion, and elimination, collapse down to a few simple feedback loops and upset the normal healing response. Meditation, by allowing long-buried thoughts and feelings to surface, is a way of getting the peptides flowing again, returning the body, and the emotions, to health.

Meditation rewires the brain. A Harvard study of beginner participants in an eight-week meditation course found changes in their brains, as with more emotional control of the amygdala.   Focused attention shrinks the amygdala which is responsible for processing sadness, anxiety, and negative emotions and can overact. Scientists discovered that regular meditation increases tissue mass and density in the area of the prefrontal cortex that controls impulses and maintains attention, and increases thickness in the regions of the brain responsible for body awareness and stress management.         

Q: How do we raise resilient children rather than fragile anxious ones?

A: Educators teach resilience skills (such as at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence), the study of how to not be defeated by challenges, but rather to adapt to them and use them to grow stronger. Harvard professor of psychiatry Robert Brooks explained in The Power of Resilience, “Resilient people are like trees bending in the wind. They bounce back.”  They get support from and help other people, they think of the glass as half full rather than half empty, they’re spiritual, they’re playful, and they take good care of themselves….

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GIRLS LEAD THE CURRENT CLIMATE MOVEMENT

These are some inspiring and insightful passages in “Climate Girls Saving Our World: 54 Activists SpeakOut” by Gayle Kimball

 

 — Our most urgent problem is the complex of the climate crisis, global warming, pollution, and environmental destruction. Everyone is impacted and must take action in the decade ahead or tipping points become irreversible, such as the thawing of Arctic permafrost and the Antarctic ice sheet, extinction of many species, and the loss of rainforests and coral reefs. Once reached, there will be no hope of remediation.4 We must reach net-zero greenhouse gas emissions (GGEs) by 2050, which means cutting them in half by 2030. Humans, in our Anthropocene Epoch, have caused rapid warming in contrast to the previous Holocene Epoch where temperature didn’t vary more than a degree for over 12,000 years.

— Climate girls are fierce because they fear for our future and are furious at greedy adults for destroying our environment, as Severn Suzuki warned in 1992. Since then, warming, and pollution keep on increasing, inciting Greta Thunberg to make similar warnings in 2018. Sadly, climate organizations led by the UN haven’t taken real action, even going backward when President Trump withdrew the US from the Paris Agreement of 2015. No other creatures destroy their ecosystem like homo sapiens, causing young activists to lose respect for adults in power.

Girls lead the current climate movement, the large majority of the activists in every youth-led climate group I’ve discovered. They explain that they are caring, have more affinity with nature, and are less afraid of peer pressure than teenage boys. Many think of themselves as out of the norm so they have less to lose than popular students by standing out. The large majority of the 54 activists we’ve heard from are only or first-born children, used to leading. Many of them are from privileged backgrounds, able to attend private schools, travel to conferences, and skip school to strike. They stand on the legacy of the global women’s movement, all but two strongly identifying as feminists and many reject the concept of binary gender. Determined not to give up hope, they predict they will be changemakers.

The activists view the current focus on individual actions like recycling as a smokescreen to obscure the need for action to stop the 100 companies that produce 71% of the global greenhouse gas emissions. Activists fault the capitalist system for rewarding the polluters, as with government tax reductions or building coal plants. They demand that governments recognize the climate emergency and implement plans to overhaul the capitalist system with its emphasis on extraction, moving to a regenerative circular economy. This radical transformation includes making traditional masculinity a dinosaur, as well as creating a circular economy. They aim to make their own groups non-hierarchical but report it can be problematic when some people have more time to give to organizing than others and discrimination still exists in the movement.

Since we have only a few years before global warming reaches tipping points that can’t be repaired, we can’t wait for Gen Z to assume positions of power. Therefore, youth activists emphasize “electorialism,” voting in progressive politicians now, although many of them aren’t old enough to vote. The European Union seems most committed to implementing a Green Deal, along with Nordic countries, and municipalist cities like Barcelona, Vancouver, and Preston (UK) lead the way.

— The activists and I both edited the transcript of the Skype video interviews, which are available to view on my YouTube channel. It includes their social media links, mainly Twitter and Instagram, to stay current with their work. I learned to respect Gen Z highly although they’re accused of being apathetic, which gives hope, plus became more conscious of my contributions to climate change...

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SECRETS TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE AND LIFE

Here are some inspiring and insightful passages in “Happy Marriages: 30 Global Couples Tell Their Stories” by Gayle Kimball

 

— Paul McCartney, married three times, reports, "It's always a splendid puzzle. Even though I write love songs, I don't think I know what's going on. It would be great if it was smooth and wonderful all the time, but you get pockets of that, and sometimes you could be annoying." Good marriages are characterized by a commitment to not withdraw, quit, or blame when difficulties arise, and to be tolerant of the partner's foibles. In return, we can ask for forgiveness for our faults.

Couples report that marriage has ebbs and flows like waves, and spouses should not catastrophize about the low period as a cause for divorce. The low point of general happiness, according to a global study, is midlife, around 48. With patience, work, attention, and a leap of faith, another good wave appears, just as spring follows winter. Married for 26 years, author Scott Huber told me in our video interview that his marriage blossomed after their three kids moved out and he advises never giving up during hard times. He and his wife are now enjoying building a summer cabin in Wyoming by themselves.

After counseling couples for more than 30 years and learning from his own marriage of over 40 years, Gary Chapman (author of The Five Love Languages) observed that marriages are always in transition, like the seasons. He defines spring as a time of happy new beginnings. Summer is a time of deep satisfaction and constructive communication. (A study found that the happiest time in our lives is the late 30s, which seems like Chapman's summer.) Fall is associated with uncertainty, blame, and "nagging emptiness." Winter brings difficulty caused by rigid unwillingness to compromise, so couples feel hurt and angry.

Chapman found that the most common mistake that leads to fall and winter stages is “allowing negative emotions to dictate their behavior,” rather than focusing on positive characteristics. As a Christian, he suggests following Jesus’ life of service to others. Chapman encourages learning about your partner’s love language and practicing empathetic listening (instead of egocentric listening) to enhance understanding. Then partners can learn from their differences and appreciate them.

Like Chapman, Jed Diamond, a therapist and author, identifies stages in marriages. He has been married three times so he has both personal and professional motivations to understand why marriages fail. In our video interview, he explains the five stages of marriage and also more extensively in his book The Enlightened Marriage.28 He tells his clients that 90% of their problems have their roots in childhood, just as he was initially attracted to emotionally cold women like his mother. The unconscious hopes to heal the childhood wounds by repeating the pattern.

— I was impressed that after decades of marriage our 30 couples are still learning about each other with enjoyment. We in turn can learn from their misunderstandings and solutions, as well as from the conflict resolution methods explained by our experts since disagreements are inevitable between two imperfect humans.

What stood out for me in reviewing the research and hearing the couple’s stories is the power of our unconscious patterns, beliefs, and predispositions, like the unseen depth of the iceberg that propels it through the water. This phenomenon is explained by psychologists in the first two chapters and illustrated in stories of couples like Robin and Alvin who realized the impact of their religious upbringing on their expectations of each other or the more obvious cultural expectations when two different cultures combine. Understanding each other requires talking about feelings, which also prevents boredom.

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