— I cried about my situation – how things changed for the worse. I just grieved over life and everything that I had. My tears and sadness showed how much I missed my old reality, even though I willingly took some of the decisions, such as ending my relationship.
What I missed were the symbols of my success and hard work! I missed my old house, even though I willingly sold it to pay for my kids’ education. My son and daughter are my worlds, and I would do anything for them. My whole existence since my children came into my life has revolved around ensuring that they have the best of everything. I have tried to make sure they have the best opportunities in life, materially, educationally, and, most of all, emotionally. Life has taught me that crying and grief are good emotions. I did not want to accept all that had happened at the time. Weeping out your sorrows is the first step in accepting the situation. It is why grieving made a positive contribution to my journey of recovery.
Being sad is a strength, as you require courage to shed tears. It’s not how we are conditioned to think, though, is it? Typically, we believe that we must be able to control our emotions, and crying is a sign of loss of that control. It most certainly is not! Nothing can be more valuable than the truth itself.
My crying was solitary. My experience of crying, up until that point, was watching others cry. It was infrequent and only occurred for a few minutes. My crying was on a whole new level to anything I had witnessed any other person do in real life or a movie. I was almost inconsolable. Not only was I grieving for all that I had lost, but I was also crying over my stupidity of not appreciating what I had owned. On reflection, appreciating material things that I had owned in the past was quite a folly.
At the end of the day, materialistic entities can never console one’s soul. Material possessions are not that important. We all know that, but sometimes, we need to have a reality check to stop prioritizing and wanting materialistic possessions so much.
What is important is the strength of our character. What matters is if we can find reasons to laugh and understand that we have a purpose. It’s the people we love that make our world beautiful. They are the people who matter to us and whom we matter to. It is essential to have a voice that is heard, but it is also vital to learn to listen.
It would have been beyond embarrassment had I cried in front of anyone else. Whenever you see anyone cry in real life, they are always apologizing for showing their emotions. You hear them make comments, such as “I’m so sorry to do this in front of you” and “I’m so sorry you had to see that.” The responses in return are often something like “it’s okay,” “don’t worry about it,” and “It’s not a problem.”
In reality, we feel uncomfortable because we feel useless, as we are unable to stop the person from crying. We want the crying to go away somehow. Crying is considered an act of shame in public. It is not as it is, in fact, a logical recognition of what is happening in a person's life. I never thought that I would think this way, but there is a lot that life teaches us. Crying is therapeutic. It is almost like a cleansing of emotions and negative thoughts. I was surprised that I felt better after crying, and after some time, it became less frequent. My resilience started supporting me without me even realizing it.
I had lost all that I had; my company, work, wife, house, and health. They were times when I felt absolutely worthless and helpless. It was what created room for self-realization. I actually did start to find out who I truly am. I did not realize that deep inside my soul, there was gratitude for being alive, resilience to accept all that happened, acceptance for what God has put me through, and relief for having nothing to worry about.
Yes, strangely enough, I felt relief. I found myself thinking, “What’s the worst that could happen? Death? So be it. If I die, I’ll be relieved from this pain, and if I continue to live, life cannot get any worse than it is. Let’s be grateful!” Even though I gave myself this pep talk, I kept drifting from moments of despair to this positive approach about what my fate could be.
My despair thoughts were, “What? Be grateful? Look at yourself; you’re miserable, you lost everything, you have cancer, you are alone, you have nothing!" It was a constant battle of negative and positive thoughts – a battle that did not seem to end. It was draining my limited energy levels, but I couldn't stop myself. The cancer was incredibly, extremely demanding, as it exhausted me physically and emotionally.
My friends and family were quite supportive when I was fighting cancer. They rallied around me, giving me so much unexpected support and overwhelmed me with love and motivation to get through this difficult time. Then, as time went by, their support waned. Not because they didn’t care, but because that’s how life is – happening. Cancer, on the other hand, is not like a common cold. It sticks around for a long time!
Cancer treatments are time-consuming, and there is no straight line of progress. It can’t be managed like a project at work, tamed like a pet, or nurtured like a child. Medics are still learning about the intricacies of all the different types of cancer and the nuances and measures to cure this awful health condition. People have their own lives to live. I suppose that seeing someone not improving might be disheartening or uncomfortable for most people who are around cancer patients. It’s a bit like when someone suffers the bereavement of a close family member or friend. People just do not know what to say. Natural human emotion is that if something is wrong or someone is in trouble, we put all hands to the pump to fix the problem.
For most of us, the problem is that the task of fixing the death of someone and curing someone of a serious health condition such as cancer is outside of our skillset. So, it makes people stay away. Gradually, the calls become less frequent. Then, you don’t get invited out to parties and celebrations. It’s so uncomfortable for most people to cope with that. They do nothing rather than doing something wrong, which is more painful. Honestly, it is perfectly understandable.
Let me tell you, you will find a strength that you never knew you had. Trust that strength and trust in your ability to remain strong. You are not weak, and you need to tell yourself that over and over again. No matter what has happened to you in your life up until this point, you always have the right to smile.
