With time, and thanks to Phil, I became comfortable with information I previously did not want to give. I learned not to withhold information and to trust; God knows best in all situations. I was not to question it, but allow myself to be the messenger. It was not my decision to decide who gets what; I was the conduit, and I could not judge what felt good to or might hurt the person for whom I was reading. I was obligated to give them the truth, because that was the only way to freedom, the only way home.
I continued to work with Phil day after day we could visit in prison. In May, we had decided seeing each other for four or five days each month was not enough, and I started visiting him twice a week, on Monday and Friday. In the prison at that time, inmates only had nine points; weekdays were one point, and weekends were three points.
In the middle of this intense work, Tom asked me if little Sophie could live with him permanently. I knew something about this was right, but it was a very difficult and painful decision to give her away. She had been my baby, and my love for her had not waned in the months I had been away. I gave her to him. He explained that on the occasions I came for a visit, she would be down for days, hurting after I left. She had communicated to me many times when I was crying over her loss that Tom needed her more than I did, and it was okay, she was happy.
Another great example of the work I did with Phil—to break down the idols he’d built because it was easier to believe in them rather than the actual truth—centered around his concept of people loving him and their roles in his life.
You cannot possibly know the higher wisdom of why a person is in your life until you can see the truth about the relationship. People are not typically in your lives for the reasons most of you think they are. They are there to assist with your growth or to serve as your nemeses. Once that truth is revealed, you will know why those people are in your life and can then honor their role, instead of becoming hurt, judgmental, or confused.
I learned this lesson the hard way with my own mother. I wanted her to love me in a certain way. I wanted her to be different, and when I finally asked God why she was who she was in my life, He told me to honor her “real” purpose, which was far greater than I knew. He taught me that I had to let go of my need to get something from her. I then asked God to show me the real reason she was in my life, how she was to contribute. It was a difficult but beautiful process of understanding the differences between what I wanted her to be and her real role, to admit the truth about what I had done with her role, which changed her ability to assist me. It set me free. I wasn’t asking Phil to face or do something I did not have the courage to do or face myself. I was sharing my experiences with him and the benefits of doing the work within.
This was true about the girlfriends, family, friends, and associates in Phil’s life. These people would line up in front of me, (whether they were alive or had transitioned), and give me details about their roles in Phil’s life—what they were, how Phil perceived them, and then the actual truth. Sean started this process, and it continued with others.
I would describe the people and alter Phil’s perception about who they were, so we could get to the beautiful truth of using and honoring them in spiritual ways. We worked through a lot of forgiveness opportunities.
