Author, Licensed Marriage And Family Therapist and Suicide Survivor Coordinator
Episode #166
So many people, including ourselves, often expect our grief to be finished by the one-year anniversary of the death. People expect us to move on, and their words shame us for still being impacted. Often, we, ourselves, shame ourselves for not getting “over it” quicker, and we beat ourselves up. The path of grief, though, is not confined to just one year. It is a life-long journey that manifests itself time and time again.
Valeria interviews Brandy Lidbeck, the author of "The Gift of Second: Healing from the Impact of Suicide.
“In 1969, after extensive research with dying individuals, Elisa- beth Kubler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist, created the theory that people grieve in stages. She discovered that each person, near death, experienced a series of stages as the end of their life drew near: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Widely used in the mental health profession and accepted in the general population as well, this concept has since been commonly adopted by the world to describe the stages an individual goes through after losing a loved one.
Although the theory created by Kubler-Ross is strong and has merit, it gives the illusion that, at some point, grief is complete. We, as survivors, know the grief is never finished. The intensity lessens over time, and the consuming emotions become more stable, but grief is never fully complete. When folks expect their grief to end and their pain to be erased, they are, oftentimes, focused on an imaginary timeline, waiting for that magical day to wipe away their hurt and allow their life to resume as it was before this great tragedy. When we expect the impossible, we are always disappointed.
Brandy Lidbeck says that grief is neither linear nor does it adhere to a particular path.
The Realistic Grieving Path begins with a suicide, causing a surviving individual to begin the grief process. The feelings one experiences are overwhelming, chaotic, erratic, and all-encompassing. Brandy compare this feeling to the destruction of an earthquake. Not only does it rock our worlds and bring devastation to our lives, but it also creates cracks in our foundation, causing us to doubt all that was.
One moment we can feel intense heartache and sadness, and then next moment we are full of anger and rage. Always unpredictable and never convenient, walking through grief can be unbearable much of the time.
As survivors work through their grief, they will eventually arrive at a phase titled ‘New Normal.’ New normal is labeled as such because we will never return to the person we were before the suicide. How could we? This phase becomes our new status quo, the phase in which we go about our days, no longer so consumed with grief. Life begins to carry on in this new normal stage until a ‘life event’ occurs. A life event can be positive, such as a wedding, the birth of a baby, or a graduation, or negative like the anniversary of the suicide, a serious illness, or a job loss. Regardless of the event, this scenario acts as a trigger and causes the survivor to walk through the grief path again as they process the death of their loved one once more in light of the new events.
Walking through the grief path again by no means ne- gates any grief work we have done before; instead, it brings to light different aspects that need more healing or attention.
The grief path is normal and one to fully expect as you traverse life after suicide. We will never be ‘over’ the pain and devastation completely, but it won’t always dictate our lives.
Brandy Lidbeck is a licensed marriage and family therapist who lives in California. She is the author of the book, The Gift of Second: Healing from the Impact of Suicide and the creator of thegiftofsecond.com, a website that offers hope and healing through the journey of suicide-loss. Brandy also coordinates a Local Outreach to Suicide Survivors (LOSS) Team, which deploys teams to newly bereaved suicide-loss survivors 24/7. Brandy is a two-time suicide-loss survivor and has a heart for those impacted by this same devastation.
