These are some of my favorite passages in “The Choice is Yours: 52 Choices for Happier Lives” by Barbara Dahlgren
— If you google the word forgiveness, you will find a myriad of studies showing that those who master the art of forgiveness live longer, healthier lives. This means that psychologists, doctors, and scientists are embracing an idea considered mostly theological in the past. According to the Mayo Clinic website, here are a few of the health benefits of forgiveness:
- Healthier relationships
- Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
- Less anxiety, stress, and hostility
- Lower blood pressure
- Fewer symptoms of depression
- Lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse
- Stronger immune system
- Fewer negative emotions like anger, bitterness, and resentment
So, forgiveness is a good thing. God has forgiven us, and God admonishes us to forgive others (Colossians 3:13, Ephesians 4:32, Luke 17:4). However, in the words of C. S. Lewis, “Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea unless they have something to forgive.”10 Therefore, formulating a forgiving attitude is easier in theory than in principle. You know, easier said than done!
It might be a little easier to foster forgiveness if we know what forgiveness is not.
Forgetting
Forgiveness is not Forgetting. Forgetting can possibly come with time, but it doesn’t happen in an instant—like some sort of spiritual amnesia that kicks in when we say the magic words, “I forgive you.” Our minds just don’t work that way. Asking someone to forget child abuse or injustice is unrealistic. Dealing with it is one thing, Forgetting it is quite another.
Trusting
Forgiveness is not automatically restoring total trust. Suppose a dear friend betrays confidence but says, “I’m sorry.” You can forgive the friend for the harm he caused, but to immediately trust him again with a secret would be foolish. Trust is like a bank account people build with you. It might be wise to only give them as much as they have deposited—especially if they have misused your trust before. When they wipe the fund out, they start from scratch. Trust is built gradually and given when a person proves to be trustworthy.
Condoning
Forgiveness is not condoning what was done. It doesn’t approve of bad behavior. I remember when my daughter was in a group setting, and someone told an offensive joke. As jokes go, many times we don’t even know it will be inappropriate until the punch line. She did not reproach the individual, but neither did she laugh. The joke teller came over to her later and apologized privately. He was waiting for her to say, “That’s okay,” but she didn’t—because it wasn’t okay. What the guy did was offensive. However, she did say, “I accept your apology.” Granted, what many of us must forgive runs much deeper than an off-color joke, but the principle remains the same.
Pretending
Forgiveness is not pretending you weren’t hurt or upset. That would be denial, not forgiveness. Wearing a fake smile and pretending something didn’t happen doesn’t make it go away. “Smile though your heart is breaking” may make dandy lyrics, but it won’t keep your heart from breaking.
Preventing Accountability
Forgiveness is not preventing someone from being held accountable. One could forgive a thief who stole from him, but the thief might have to do jail time just the same. Choosing to testify against a thief in a court of law doesn’t negate forgiveness. Your testimony could prevent him from stealing from someone else. Behavior has consequences. Escaping consequences is not always in the best interests of people.
Reconciliation
Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Reconciliation can grow from forgiveness, but it isn’t the immediate result. You don’t instantly say, “Okay, now we’re all friends again. Let’s be happy.”
Weakness
Forgiveness is not weakness. It doesn’t mean you let everyone walk all over you and take whatever life dishes out. You don’t have to be a martyr for the cause. You can be a forgiving person and still say no.
Restoration
Forgiveness is not restoration with full benefits to a former position. The prodigal son was indeed welcomed home by his father. They killed the fatted calf and partied ’til the other cows came home, but his inheritance was gone. He shot his wad. It could well have been a case of “we love you, dearie, but you spent your money, honey!”
Conditional
Forgiveness is not something you do just so God will forgive you.
That’s like doing the right thing for the wrong reason, such as repenting just so you won’t go to hell. God doesn’t want us to be good just so He won’t zap us. He wants us to do good from the heart. This is one of the main differences between the old and new covenant.
Earned
Forgiveness is not given only to those who apologize or earn it. Most of the people you might need to forgive may never acknowledge they’ve done you wrong. Perhaps they don’t even care. We can’t play the “if only” game. I would forgive them “if only” they would say they’re sorry or admit what they did. Sure it might make forgiveness easier, but it doesn’t give us license not to forgive if they don’t. Christ’s example teaches us this. “Father, forgive them. They don’t know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34).
Easy
Forgiveness is not easy. God has forgiven us, and we need to forgive others, but no one said it would be easy. Most worthwhile endeavors are not easy. However, God is willing to aid in this process if we ask Him for help. Fostering forgiveness becomes easier when we know what forgiveness is not—and we ask for God’s help.
So what is forgiveness? Forgiveness relinquishes us from feeling we are justified to retaliate, get even, seek revenge, or have an “eye for an eye” mentality.
Consider this. All of us at one time or another have had someone betray us, hurt us, emotionally wound us, or do us wrong. Humanly speaking, we think we have a justifiable “right” to hurt back or retaliate. When we forgive, we relinquish that “right.” We let God take care of any vengeance He thinks should take place (Romans 12:19–21). We trust God to take care of it in His way and in His time.
On the surface, forgiveness appears to be a selfless act, but it really isn’t. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves as well as others. Sometimes the person we are forgiving doesn’t even know it. Sometimes a person knows it but doesn’t care. It doesn’t matter. For in relinquishing the right to retaliate, we trade caustic, self-destructive elements such as anger, resentment, and bitterness for peace. We can cross over from being a victim to being a survivor. We can get on with our lives. We can stop the past from dictating our present or future.
Forgiveness is the first step on a journey to healing. It doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a hard and sometimes long process but truly worth the effort. Fostering forgiveness benefits not only our physical life but our spiritual and emotional well-being as well. Forgiveness is a win-win situation. When we do it for others, we are really doing it for ourselves.
** In her book, Barbara gives us some great suggestions for practicing this choice!
