THE HEART HOTEL: GRIEF, LOVE, MEMORIES, AND GOOD TIMES

These are some of my favorite passages in “Experiential Action Methods and Tools for Healing Grief and Loss-Related Trauma” by Lusijah Darrow and Janet Childs

 

— The death of a loved one Is part of the human experience. Despite the universality of experiencing loss, the felt grieving process is unique to each individual. It is impacted by the nature of the relationship, whether in romantic partnership, as a parent or child, and the circumstances of death of the loved one. For example, loss after Illness, sudden death, or suicide creates unique aspects to grief responses. Complex or ambivalent feelings that were present in the relationship carry over to the grieving process. Issues that were unresolved in life have run out of time and can no longer be resolved. In addition to more expected reactions of sadness, loneliness, and isolation, there are grief reactions that form the basis of what is called 'complicated' grief that include anger, guilt, frozen memories, and unresolved issues. Talking about the issue does not necessarily create integration of new insights. The action methods presented here effectively work to change narratives around the most difficult grief issues.

Intellectually, we all know loss is part of life, and yet the strength of the grief experience Is unexpected in intensity. People who begin attending the grief groups are initially overwhelmed, experiencing intense acute-stage grief. Compassionate normalizing of the intensity of feelings and issues is an important start towards working on grief issues.

People in grief experience difficulty In bridging the gap of their own intense feelings with friends and/ or family who have not had the experience of loss. It becomes clear to those grieving that our society copes poorly with death as something to be feared and pushed away. Everyone who has experienced loss has heard well-meaning statements of friends and family that are just not helpful. "He's in a better place,' mat least she didn't have to suffer longer," or "isn't it time to move on?" may be well-meaning but are completely disconnected from the experience of the bereaved. The societal discomfort with death means that friends and family often don't know how to support someone who is grieving, creating isolation for those who have experienced loss.

Often the loved one who has died was interwoven into the life meaning of the survivor or had a role as a life ballast. There is a sudden vacuum, the person providing companionship and support is gone, and there is loss of purpose related to how the survivor had previously organized his or her life. On top of dealing with acute grief issues, life-meaning issues have often collapsed. Recovery from grief includes envisioning and taking steps toward creating a different life that has meaning to the client. We provide suggested action methods to support clients as they move beyond acute grief into a new normal.

Faith, lack of faith, and loss of faith Influence the grieving process. People who have experienced loss and who have an active religious or spiritual practice seem to have an easier time. Beliefs about life after death, specifically the continued existence of the soul, are comforting. In our experience, people who do not have religious or spiritual practices often experience a profound sense of absence or emptiness and face existential questions related to their own human mortality and the meaning of life. A common theme is fear about the life and contributions of their loved one being forgotten. These are huge questions.

The death of a loved one can shake the foundation of faith, creating a sense of being lost at sea, as beliefs and expectations are shattered. Chapter 16 on faith and the grieving process presents ways to support and comfort those with and without a defined religious or spiritual belief, and those who are experiencing a crisis or loss in faith.

This essence of the loved one is part of the survivor on a cellular level through stored memories and feelings. When clients are sharing happy memories, they smile. When activating these memories, it is as if they are re-experiencing them in the present moment. The biological mechanisms that store the knowing of the loved one, feelings of connection and love continue to exist. The survivor can and does experience memories of how the loved one spoke, their sense of humor, how they dressed, what they liked to eat, and how it was to be cared for, touched, loved, and kissed. They can connect with a felt sense of love, care, and wisdom of the one who has died. As will be seen later, this is a powerful resource in coping with grief issues. Survivors can call forth the wise and supportive voice of their loved one in the here and now. In the grief groups using action methods, clients were not asked to theorize what the loved one might say; they were asked to step into the role of the loved one and speak from their voice.

The methods presented in this book support bereaved individuals to stay connected to the sweetness of shared experience and to honor what was good in their relationships. There is a bitter/sweet integration in grief—sadness in conjunction with remembering and honoring memories, personal growth and life experience that only occurred because of the place of the deceased in their life, and gifts of the relationship that are carried forward. Clients want to remember the stories and experiences they had with their loved one, and to honor what the deceased brought to their own lives and the lives of others. The grief process is an integration of tolerating the pain of loss with what was good.

Family and friend networks generally cannot deeply hold and provide support for the extended grieving process of another. It is useful to seek counseling, and group work offers benefits that individual therapy cannot. Sharing stories that are heard and supported by others with similar experiences reduces isolation. Issues of grief are fully unpacked and individual stories are held by others with empathy and tenderness. Group members see hope in other group members' steps towards recovery.

We present in this book a process toward working with grief that encourages individuals to acknowledge, express, find action steps, and reconnect with others. Each chapter contains material that can be used as handouts for specific acute grief topics and associated experiential action methods that have been used in grief groups and individual therapy. Many of the exercises, methods, and information material are placed in specific chapters, yet have broader applications for other grief/trauma topics. We encourage readers to use these tools where they will be helpful.

— The Heart Hotel —

One of our clients said it very well:

My heart is like a hotel. Everyone I love has a room in my heart hotel. When they die or go away, no one can take their room in my heart hotel. I can fill up the empty room with the love and the memories that neither death nor separation can take away. However, I can add new rooms to my heart hotel as I meet new people to love and care for.

This is the work of grief—to let go of the pain, trauma, and grief and keep the love, memories, and good times. It is like a sifting process. It takes time and patience and understanding that you are a normal person having a normal reaction to an abnormally stressful event. In our modern society, great emphasis is placed on what we do as a gauge of our worth as human beings. When we experience change, loss, or transition in the work environment, it can have far-reaching effects on our personal lives and our self-esteem as well as our beliefs and values. Dealing proactively with change in the workplace and in our personal lives can be a key factor, both in individual and team performance, and job satisfaction.

On Amazon!