Coming to terms with loss is something nobody can prepare for. Although the inevitable notion of death and subsequent grief is a part of life that we all must face sooner rather than later, knowing what to do when it happens is an altogether more perplexing experience.
Unfortunately, as you navigate your way through your grief, so too do the friends and family members who seek to comfort you. It can be a challenging time for all involved. I was 10-years-old when I experienced my first loss. My grandfather suffered from a stroke. While his death was hard for the whole family, it was especially difficult for my grandmother. Rallying around her in support, her reaction and eventual healing taught me everything I know about grief.
Here are five things I learned to be true when helping my grandmother overcome her loss.
Your Support May Not Be Welcome
My grandmother was a proud woman, and after being thrust into the most lonely and harrowing situations of her life, this aspect of her personality was not about to change. Although her and my grandfather had been together for many years, she was still fiercely independent. So, when it came to having people offer to help her, she was resistant.
My parents just didn’t understand her standpoint, but it was when they backed off and respected my grandma’s wishes that things actually started to change. She was more open to accepting the support they less frequently offered and she eventually began to feel comfortable to ask too.
Grief Changes People
Although her steely independence and bravery remained throughout her grieving process, my grandma did change during that time in a number of ways. Her interest family, her friends and the things she used to love wavered. Her calm and sweet voice became one of impatience and frustrated.
As a family member trying to support a grieving loved one, the changes you see in their personality can be a point of personal anguish. It’s so important to understand that major changes in someone’s life may cause them to act differently.
You Can’t Force People
Forcing those who are experiencing grief to do what you consider the right thing is definitely not a good way to support them. You may feel an obligation to get your loved one ‘out there’ but in reality, your ‘helpful’ encouragement can feel like constant beratement.
My grandmother wouldn’t have my grandfather’s cremation urn in the house for months, but my father continually set it on her mantle. He thought he was helping her, but he wasn’t. Eventually, she did have his urn in the house, and it had pride of place, but she needed to be the one to make the decision.
Consistent Encouragement Is Key
While forcing your loved one to do things they don’t want to do isn’t advised, consistent encouragement is the key to helping them. As a child, I was hyper-sensitive to my grandmother’s feelings. Obviously, I was young and couldn’t offer her much, I did consistently ask her to walk in the park with me. Although at first, she didn’t want to go, I never stopped asking. Eventually, she agreed.
Things Will Get Better
We all know that you don’t get over grief, you just get through it. No matter how hard it is to think about at the time, things will always get better. My grandma never forgot my grandfather. She never stopped loving him or thinking about him. She never got over his loss. But she was much more capable of dealing with her grief over time. She began to look back positively on their time together rather than with resentment that he was gone.
Support Simplified
My grandmother loved a quote from Maya Angelou, that read, ‘try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud’ and to this day, it really sums up my attitude towards supporting a loved one experiencing grief. Support is all about being there, understanding that you are not the priority and creating an awareness for your loved one that you will be there, no matter what, no matter when, no matter how.
Rose Foster is a writer from England with a passion for sharing her personal stories in an effort to give practical advice to those in similar situations. Her main passion is business and marketing, and she brings a unique, more personal approach to the typical tutorial-style offering in this area.
