Coping with any loss may be one of the hardest challenges we face in life. It is a fact of life whether we admit or not. Let us be honest it scares us. When we lose a spouse, sibling, parent, friend, a favorite item, a house or anything that you think is of a value, that grief can be particularly intense. Loss is understood as a natural part of life, but we can still be overcome by shock, confusion, anxiety and fear, leading to prolonged periods of sadness, the blues or gray days, loss of interests, irritability, withdrawal The sadness typically diminishes in intensity as time passes, but grieving is an important process in order to overcome the feelings and emotions so to embrace the time you had with your loved one.
Everyone reacts to loss differently and employs various personal coping skills for grief and loss. An example is: Henry, a close friend of my father’s. I met him when my father asked for help with a memorial. It was for Henry’s Rose who had passed away from metastasized cancer. My Father was a Chaplain, Henry ask him to do the memorial. Well Henry always felt depressed, from the loss of his wife. So he change from reading daily to her, to reading to the resident of the care center daily and he continued that until he passed away himself. When we talked together at my dd’s home, he told me that going up to the center, help him living and close to his wife. Yes, he was lonely, yet this made his life have meaning and he felt it honored his wife’s love and memory. Did he grieve, yes daily. Thought it also gave him strength.
People and families do recover from loss in their own way through the passage of time when they have positive social/family/employments supports and healthy habits. It can take months or years to accept a/the loss. There is no “normal” time period for someone to grieve or to feel the sense of loss. Don’t expect to just pass through any phases of grief or in a linear way. Many people can be all over the map. It is ok it is normal. It will take some time and thought before you are able to look back on the and loss.
Human beings are naturally resilient, we have the capability to endure what we do not believe we can. People do continue on with our own lives yet there are some that hold on so tight and choose not to heal and grow. There are some people that struggle so much with grief and loss for long periods of time and feel unable to carry out their daily activities. People that suffer severe grief and loss or complicated grief could benefit from further intervention from family, co-workers, peers, or a professional counselor and grief support groups. We all need support and assistance through this time. It is a fact that we cannot do it alone.
Moving On With Life
Many have talked about ”Mourning”, some cultures have specific times for “Mourning” because it is understood that people do better when they can move on even with having feeling of the grief and loss. During this time there can also be a renewed sense of meaning to life that offers purpose and direction to life.
Grieving individuals may find it helpful to use some of the following strategies to help them process and come to terms with loss. The following is an incomplete list of ways to care for yourself when you have Grief and loss. It is not an exhaustive list and not everyone will experience grief and loss in the same way.
1) Talk about the death of your loved one with friends or colleagues in order to help you understand what happened and remember your friend or family member.
2) Avoidance can lead to isolation and will disrupt the healing process with your support systems.
3) Accept your feelings. You may experience a wide range of emotions from sadness, anger or even exhaustion.
4) All of these feelings are normal and it’s important to recognize when you are feeling this way.
5) If you feel stuck or overwhelmed by these emotions, ask for help a friend, a coworker, use the Employee Assistance Program at work (confidential) a community support group.
6) Take care of yourself and your family. Eating healthy foods, exercising and getting plenty of sleep can help your physical and emotional health. The grieving process can take a toll on one’s Physical, Emotional, Mental and Spiritual self and life.
7) Make sure you check in with your loved ones and that they are taking the necessary healthy steps to maintain their health.
8) Reach out and help others dealing with the loss.
9) Spending time with loved ones they can be great support and you may be a good support for them. You can be good support for each other together. Whether it’s sharing stories or listening to your loved one’s favorite music, these small efforts can make a big difference to some.
10) Helping others can the added benefit of making you feel better as well. Remember and celebrate the lives of your loved ones.
11) Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, or other events can be a difficult time for everyone, though it can also be a time for remembrance and honoring them.
12) Things that you can are: collect donations to a favorite charity in the family name, plant a tree or a community garden, donate a park bench, in another word when you are ready to celebrate life.
13) What you choose is up to you, as long it allows you to honor life and others that feel right to you. When the timing is right for you.
Grief and loss is a fact of life, I will not say it is not. It is painful, yet there is Healing, Growth and Recovery when you allow yourself to feel, have emotions, and feel those emotions, by taking care of yourself and your life.
When you stand by and follow your word (not promises) you build Integrity, creditability, and more important BELIEVABILITY.
Remember that your word (s) and action(s)/inaction(s), have:
1) Power- A) Internal B) External
2) Influence- A) Internal B) External
What you do or do not do/ say or do not say not only affects you, yet also the people, places and things around you. Even what you don’t see. It is the ripple effect.
AGREEMENT 2: DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
Everything is not about you. It is more than likely about the way you are acting, or something another person is trying to project onto you.
People react or respond to your behavior, not who you as a person.
When you take things personally you assume responsibility that is not yours. “Your Heart Is known by the path you walk.”
AGREEMENT 3: DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
Making assumptions set’s yourself and others up for conflict and chaos. This is no different than an expectation.
Assumptions are nothing more that faulty perception and beliefs. That you generally act on and create conflict and chaos.
AGREEMENT 4: ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST
Your best is first for yourself not others, they are the honored recipients of you doing your best.
Your best will change from situation to situation, as you learn from each experience,
Your best will change over time.
By doing your best you do not give power or control of yourself to others.
AGREEMENT 5: BE SKEPTICAL, BUT LEARN TO LISTEN
Don’t believe yourself or others until you have listened. Most of our knowledge is based on faulty information, beliefs, and or perceptions. Question yourself, ask for more information. Even the decision you made has a little doubt (what is called second-guessing).
Reasonable doubt used in our Courts is a good way to be skeptical without closing off others or being rude.
Do not just listen to the words, but listen to the intent behind the words. Do the actions or behavior match the words and situations?
All information has a kernel of truth and insight, yet from there, anything can happen to it.
“Life (external) only intrudes, as long as we allow it”.
What “if” one simple concept might help improve your health and other areas of your life too? What if … life could be easier if we learned to change our perspective and see things in a new way?
Real love, unconditional love, is an energy, some say, is the foundation from which everything emerges into our world. It is the energy which grows us from microscopic cells into full grown adults without a manual! It is the energy which breathes us, pumps our heart, allows us to walk, talk, taste, see, touch, eat, digest food, eliminate waste without having to micro manage our bodies!! It grows everything in nature, including animals, insects and microscopic creatures we never even know exist! It never stops giving no matter how much we take.
Many of us love to hold a new born baby or puppy or kitten, fresh and still connected to their Divine Nature. Watch very young children and they rarely judge anyone by their color, deformity, wealth, race, age, poverty or gender. They just love everyone! They must be taught who to trust, who to fear, who to judge, who to love. None of these things come naturally. Soldiers must be trained and brainwashed into “hating the enemy” in order to be good, strong soldiers. It is not in their nature to just easily kill other people.
Loving without conditions means there is no judgement, revenge, punishment, inspiring feelings of guilt and shame. You can… not like or approve of what someone does, however, you still love them. You love for the joy love gives you, because it is your natural nature to do so. It’s like breathing. No one must act or behave in a certain way to earn your love. Love given without conditions is what heals, transforms, opens hearts, soothes the pain, turns someone around. While hate and revenge only continue to inspire more of the same!
When you judge, hate, feel wounded or enraged, your entire body suffers! Your breathing is more shallow. It’s more difficult for your heart to pump and your muscles all tense up greatly constricting many other functions in your body. You get fatigued very easily. Sometimes just for a few minutes, and other times for hours or you are angry for days on end! Stress is not beneficial for our bodies and can create illnesses and dis-ease..
No one forces you to judge, hate, and become enraged. These are habits often taught, or acquired and developed over years and years, often evolving from many sources. They can be changed. You are always “free to choose” how you respond to every single situation in your life.
When you learn to make “loving without conditions” a new habit, less and less things bother you anymore. As you learn to love yourself and others without conditions, you learn we are all doing the best we can every day, even though that might not be very good some days and better on others. When you choose to love, you think and respond with more compassion, understanding and clarity. You make better decisions. You feel better and are healthier because of this.
You cannot change the entire world, stop the wars, end hunger, prevent hurricanes and tornadoes, end mass shootings. You can, however, send all those situations, and all those people “Unconditional Love for their highest and best good.” Your unconditional loving energy can help transform the world, and in doing so, you also help yourself to live a happier, healthier, more joy filled life in many new ways!
I am so grateful for my beautiful oasis of flesh which carries me about in this garden of life.
Each little dimple and wrinkle, each crevice and valley all my own.
There is no where else on earth I could find a place such as this, so alive, so divine and uniquely me.
I rub my hands gently absorbing the stories it tells me of holding life and birthing babies, slicing and taking away my gallbladder, walking up mountains, climbing tall trees and jumping off.
I remember walking across coals and never being burnt. My spirit telling me to go ahead, because it was all an illusion anyway.
My beloved body carries me to and through every moment there is and beyond, allowing me to respond to life and its glorious magnificence. Feeling the wet grass beneath my feet, snowflakes coating my hair.
I inhale the fragrance of Freesias, appreciate their vibrant colors and taste chocolate upon my lips, all with this sacred vessel in which I can experience the Divine and the all which I am! I praise my own geography at last!
There is a single, small difference between the people that "do" and the people that "don't".
It's the difference between strength and weakness, progress and stagnation, success and failure.
Each and every one of us has it, have used it, and have used it successfully – every single time.
And every single time – we have an overwhelming sense of accomplishment, our efforts are justified, and we bask in the glory of a tough job well done, and done well enough to justify its means.
There are several single words that sufficiently describe this characteristic; though for some reason these words don't sound as potent and powerful as they did when we were children.
In descending order, these are my six measured by depth. On their own, any single one of these is sufficient in their effect on an outcome, though in this context "Presence" is more appropriate.
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As it relates to wellness, health, and fitness there is not a single person that ever got lucky by accident… not one.
Whoever has achieved a deliberate outcome was present in all of the decisions responsible for creating that particular outcome. They felt, they focused on what they were doing when they were doing it. These people didn't necessarily focus on fitness and health every waking moment, they just focused on it when they were doing it – they were Present. This presence-of-mind / presence-of-moment slowly and eventually permeates into other relevant moments, naturally and otherwise effortlessly bringing them sufficiently close to their intended destination.
This Presence in their current moment afforded them an advantage that without, there would be no success.
They're paying attention to what they're doing while they're doing it, then they're present in each moment that arrives after that… every meal, every activity, every set, every rep.
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Whether practical, physical, spiritual or emotional - effort and intensity are relative and subjective; some days hard is easy, and other days easy is hard – this is true for everyone. But, 100% is 100% no matter which way you cut it. If you only have 70% today - great, then do 100% of that. If today's a good day and you're bringing 105%, give 100% of that, too. The only way you know what you have is if you're paying attention to what you're feeling at this very moment.
Presence is critical in all things we hope to improve about ourselves, inward or outward. If you want to maximize your efforts in eating right, then you'll need to be Present when you're choosing your meals. If you want to maximize your efforts in being a more attentive father, then you'll need to be Present when the opportunity arises to shoot some hoops with your six-year-old son. If you want to maximize your efforts in having a stronger connection to God or the Universe, then you need to be Present when there's an opportunity to tune-in to those vibrations.
It's astounding how quickly things change when you pay attention to the moments that determine their influence.
For a moment… think… think about a single and seemingly inconsequential change you could make that only you might recognize but would give you satisfaction in making this one thing different than it is now.
Now think of just one thing that frequently reminds you of its current state.
Your homework is to look for the opportunities that arise where you can choose to change its very history and see what happens.
This is the easy part – the hard part is going to be spreading your awareness to every part of your life, once you've seen how mundane a task it really is.
Changes are not easy; they bring with them a lot of resistance. However, I have learned to embrace them throughout the years, but, while they happen, they make me uneasy. They bring uncertainty, which drives me crazy. Nevertheless, whenever I find myself anxious about what the future will bring, I sit down, meditate and repeat the following mantra: "I trust". And I really do trust, I know that no matter what, the universe will never take me to a worse place, quite the contrary, I know it'll be to a better one.
And so, it was. After saying good-bye to toxic relationships, toxic environment I saw my life change for the better. The new changes I made included hanging out with positive people, people who were into health and nutrition, spiritual people, people who appreciated the different cultures of the world, open-minded people, and successful people. They say that you're the average of the 5 people you hang out the most with, so, I became very careful about who I let into my life, and, most importantly, who I spent my time with.
Moreover, I changed my environment for good: I got rid of blue lights and added incandescent lightbulbs to my house, Himalayan salt lamps, and an essential oil diffuser; I added blackout curtains to my room, and started using a night mask when I went to bed to make sure my body got adequate sleep; I made sure that the products I used on my body did not include SLS, Fragrances, nor a bunch of ingredients I was unable to pronounce (this was for anything touching my body such as shampoos, conditioners, deodorants, lotions, etc.); furthermore, I got rid of so much clutter in my living spaces: I kissed good-bye a lot of things I didn't use or old things which were only taking up room and not allowing new things to come.
When it comes to my diet, I went 100% organic and gluten-free, and reduced to almost 0 my sugar and vegetable oil consumption. Unfortunately, some foods will include these ingredients which makes it really hard to eliminate them from your diet. Some food examples where these ingredients lurk include: salad dressings, chocolate nut milks, bread, etc.
At the end, a major makeover was needed. And I took the same principles I used in fitness, diet and spiritualism to my professional life. I realized that drastic, overnight changes were destructive and that milestones needed to be achieved before reaching the big goals. I learned to give the best of myself that I could to every job I was doing, to care for it and to find answers whenever I didn't have them. I just had in place a system that worked in one aspect of my life and that I could replicate in other aspects of my life.
Life was good, life is good and I wake up excited every day excited, wondering what the next thing around the corner will be, what life will bring my way and how I will interpret it. I learned that I cannot change reality, so, I have to accept it. However, one thing I can change: the perspective or lens through which I see reality. That has helped me stay positive no matter how bad the outcome may be. If something's going to be bad, I try to find the silver lining in the bad thing. It works like a charm, so I invite you to try doing the same and see how the sad veil lifts up! :)
“All you need is love,” sang the Beatles many decades ago. It’s a song still sung today. And for good reason. The tune is catchy, and the message is hopeful: “There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done.”
Were it that simple. Love, after all, is our greatest joy. But it can also be complex and complicated. Loving someone “for better or worse, in sickness and in health,” means taking the good with the bad. And that’s not always easy.
Many—if not most—of us will have to take care of the person we love during an illness. It might be for a day, a week or even longer. Some may find it a daunting challenge. For me, it’s a call to action.
Over the past two and a half decades, my husband has been hospitalized many times. Often, it’s involved life-threatening illness with long periods of hospitalization and recuperation. In times like that, I do everything in my power to help him get better. Love is the starting point for advocacy.
Along the way, I have learned a lot about the hospital setting and the very real impact that families can have in making sure their loved ones get the best care. Hospitals are bureaucratic and scary places. For patients and their families, it can feel like being tourists lost in a strange land, not knowing the customs, the language or the culture.
Patients are weak and flat on their backs. They are usually in no position to advocate for themselves. Doctors are busy, rushing from one patient to the next; nurses are stretched, trying to meet the many needs of their patients.
Families can make a difference. They can represent the patient’s wishes and needs when their loved one is unable to speak for him or herself. Knowing the patient better than anyone else in the hospital counts for a lot when navigating the impersonal environment of a hospital setting. Families—working as members of the care team—can also connect the dots because doctors, quite honestly, don’t always communicate well with one another.
Families can fill in the blanks when the sick patient doesn’t fully comprehend everything being said or is not able to remember it later. They also can bring information, perspective and insight that patients may forget or are uncomfortable sharing themselves.
And when the patient goes home, continued care must involve the family to ensure instructions are followed regarding medication, doctor visits, exercise, restrictions, and more.
Much is written about patient-centered medicine. But research shows that patient and family-centered medicine provides the best clinical outcomes, increases patient satisfaction, lowers costs, reduces risks of readmission and can even save lives.
Families can and do make a real difference. They start with love and build from there. There’s one more line from the Beatle’s song that applies here: [There’s] … “no one you can save that can't be saved.”
The one you help save just may be the one you love most.
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Bonnie Friedman is author of Hospital Warrior: How to Get the Best Care for Your Loved One and host of the podcast Hospital Warrior: Advocates and Experts on the Whole Care Network.
We know that if we practice something often enough that perfection is inevitable. We know this because science has tested this hypothesis an infinite amount of times throughout the ages. Frequent repetition increases our familiarity, familiarity increases efficiencies, efficiencies reinforce familiarity, and so on.
Since we can predict certain outcomes and these outcomes are measurable, we can reasonably approach any activity or exercise (physical or otherwise) to guarantee the best outcome. Reasonable in a way that maximizes our abilities thereby maximizing our outcomes.
Practice is simply recreating a pattern over-and-over, again. It trains the nervous system to become exceedingly familiar with the movement-related aspects of physical performance. And, it trains the brain to become exceedingly familiar with reasoning & learning-related tasks. It simply doesn’t matter what the activity is, it is simply just a matter of your level of acquaintance. Repeat something often enough, and eventually you’ll elicit “muscle memory” (I really don’t like using that term).
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Potential > Memory
I don’t like using that term because a muscle cannot remember anything, period. This “memory” - or familiar movement pattern – occurs when the repetition induces certain efficiencies to develop which allow for the brain to do something else while the body is executing a certain string of commands that have already been programmed and tested. We perfect an activity by practicing it so much that when the initiative spark fires in the brain it sets off a harmonious cascade of precise and predictable nerve impulses. These impulses fire sequences of muscle contractions to cause precise movements. It would be far more accurate to call this phenomenon "muscle-potential", though the latter iteration doesn’t quite sound so appealing.
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Efficiency Over All
Regarding movement, the human body wants to do one thing, and one thing only. It wants to preserve its valuable resources. Economy – same activity, less energy. Same result, fewer resources. Conservation is the only motivation – do something often enough and it will take less time, less thought, and eventually less work.
Your body's primary motivation when performing any task boils down to just one thing – economy - Same activity, less energy. Same outcome, fewer resources. Conservation is key. Get more familiar with doing something and it'll take less time, less thought, and less work.
We've all experienced this in some form or another: whether with a Yo-yo, Rubix Cube, walking to jogging to running (did you know that you burn about the same number of calories WALKING one mile as you do RUNNING one mile? It’s true).
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We occupy this highly specialized, highly adaptive machine whose primary objective is preservation - resource-preservation. To put simply, its objective is to use the minimum resources needed to complete a task, and not a single iota more. This is true from both a metabolic standpoint as well as a mechanical one.
For many people, they’ve been trying to lose weight for what seems like an eternity but because this machine opts for efficiency – the harder you work, the better you get at working hard – AND the fewer resources you’ll use to accomplish the same task. Unless of course, you force the machine to continually adapt. How do you do this? Well, you're going to have to work harder than you did yesterday, every single day.
One Layer Deeper
This neural reprogramming is the first (and least demanding) attempt to make whatever action that you're practicing economical enough to preserve your body's precious and hard-earned resources.
Generally speaking, it's only after the neural improvements begin to maximize that the body begins to explore other avenues to improve the efficiencies of exercise.
Fake it ‘til you make it! That adage of the 1970’s may seem like a cliché now, a silly relic of a bygone era. But in reality, we fake it regularly when we lack full confidence but still manage to push ourselves to rise to an occasion—a job interview, negotiating the price for a new car or holding our ground in an important discussion.
Many people find it intimidating to talk to doctors. They get tongue-tied, afraid to ask questions or worry they’ll say the wrong thing. Research bears out the phenomenon. One study compared the frightened behavior of patients to that of hostages bargaining for release.
Whether you are the patient or it’s someone you love, getting good medical care shouldn’t sink to that level. That means speaking up even when you feel nervous. Doctors often rush from one patient to the next; some are gentle in their dealings, but others seem brusque and impatient. Patients and families can be left feeling too demeaned to even ask a question before the doctor is out the door.
That’s when it’s time to fake it. But you must be prepared. Patient advocacy requires many things – time, attention and perseverance to start. Diplomacy and respect are other essential ingredients. Effective advocacy also requires a strong dose of chutzpah, that wonderful Yiddish word blending personal guts and gumption.
I have been advocating for my husband for more than a quarter-century through multiple hospitalizations and illnesses. One thing I have learned is that my role is as important as the doctors and nurses in ensuring he gets the best medical care. Acting on that knowledge means working with medical professionals as an equal, trusting my instincts and speaking up when I have questions or think something is wrong.
One of the most important jobs of the advocate is connecting the dots – asking the right questions, paying attention to details and making sure that the entire medical team is on the same page. Taking up the charge requires confidence. That can start with basic research to better understand the patient’s condition and be poised to ask smart questions.
Keeping good notes and staying organized helps the advocate pay attention to details and follow up on questions or concerns. Doctors don’t always communicate well with one another, and nurses are sometimes left out of the loop. Issues can fall between the cracks, and misunderstandings can affect patient care. A well-informed advocate can help keep communication flowing.
Advocates who are strong, persistent and professional get a better response from doctors too. When you act with diplomacy and respect, you are more likely to receive those same courtesies in return.
When you put it all together – education, organization and perseverance – confidence in your role as an advocate can grow. The more you do it, the better you get at it. Remember, you know the patient better than anyone else in the hospital. That counts for a lot in a setting that can seem bureaucratic and impersonal.
Draw upon your strengths, life experiences, street smarts and common sense. You can apply that sense of assurance to your advocacy role.
Prepare questions in advance; practice making your case in front of a mirror. If need be, assume you are an actor taking on a role. Remember that even a shaky start is better than no start at all. Before you know it, you won’t have to fake it at all.
Bonnie Friedman is the author of Hospital Warrior: How to Get the Best Care for Your Loved One and host of the podcast Hospital Warrior: Advocates and Experts on the Whole Care Network.
Having high emotional granularity is a vital tool for reducing emotional eating. The term was coined by Northeastern University Psychology Professor Lisa Feldman Barrett shortly after the turn of the century and refers to the ability to recognize, identify and express a full range of emotions. People with high emotional granularity have “finely tuned feelings.” They value emotions and are in touch with them most of the time. Moreover, they don’t lump all emotions together, but feel and can describe their nuances. Upset might be parsed as frightened, dismayed or exasperated. Angry might be viewed as frustrated, helpless or fearful.
Says Barrett, “Emotional granularity isn’t just about having a rich vocabulary; it’s about experiencing the world, and yourself, more precisely. This can make a difference in your life. In fact, there is growing scientific evidence that precisely tailored emotional experiences are good for you, even if those experiences are negative.” (“Are You in Despair? That’s Good,” The NY Times, 6/3/16, http://clbb.mgh.harvard.edu/are-you-in-despair-thats-good/#more-7340, accessed 1/29/19).
“According to a collection of studies, finely grained, unpleasant feelings allow people to be more agile at regulating their emotions, less likely to drink excessively when stressed and less likely to retaliate aggressively against someone who has hurt them…Perhaps surprisingly, the benefits of high emotional granularity are not only psychological. People who achieve it are also likely to have longer, healthier lives. They go to the doctor and use medication less frequently, and spend fewer days hospitalized for illness. Cancer patients, for example, have lower levels of harmful inflammation when they more frequently categorize, label and understand their emotions.”
There’s evidence that emotional granularity improves mental health. Higher emotional granularity translates to better coping skills and, therefore, fewer maladaptive behaviors such as addictions. Relationships also improve when people are attuned to emotions.
How emotionally granular are you? Do you have difficulty identifying your feelings? Do you ignore them? Lump them together? Therapy can help because it provides a safe place to learn about and discuss emotions. By becoming more tuned in to them, you’ll up your emotional intelligence and do less mindless or binge eating.
Across the miles they drove, journeying four hours north on washboard roads until they reached this country hill.
“We want to talk about the conference,” they had said on the phone. “We can fill you in on the details in person. The more you know about us, the easier it will be for you to prepare.”
I heard their words, but I was deaf to their hearts, because as the date of their visit approached, the puddle of panic around me grew deeper and murkier. The faithless ponderings multiplied:
They’ll be sorry they traveled all this way to meet someone so ordinary. What if they want to quiz me on my theology? I’m sure they’ll take one look at my tiny kitchen and my beat up wood floors and decide that I’m a mess, too.
This, for me, has been the challenge of the Christian life: to boldly welcome others into the mess that is me, and then to trust – to trust that God will build a bridge between our hearts, and to trust that others will respond with acceptance and love.
As it happens, my new friends arrived a few minutes late – GPS’s aren’t much help out here! More important, though, when they showed up in my driveway, they did not arrive bearing an impossible yardstick or hearts of judgment. They were not expecting me to look or sound like a conference speaker or to live in a museum of Pinterest perfection.
We exchanged warm hugs and settled down to business. They shared their stories and described their community, drawing me into their fellowship of women:
the diligent seekers after Truth; the heartsick lovers of prodigal children; the faithful caregivers who bridge and mend the generations; the patient prayer warriors who battle daily on behalf of unsaved husbands.
We broke zucchini bread together and my worries about my mum-jeans and sub-standard housekeeping practices were forgotten as we engaged in sincere prayer for the planning of the conference and for the women who would be challenged by the Truth.
I was the girl with the teakettle on the stove and my Canadian grandmother’s delicate cups and saucers all arranged to receive guests, but these women who had traveled across two state lines on an early Monday morning were the true extenders of hospitality.
They transcended geography, opened their hearts, and welcomed me into their lives in the spirit that Paul describes in Romans 15:7:
Therefore, receive one another just as Christ also received us, to the glory of God.
Stretching out both hands to receive the world, Jesus’ act of cross-shaped love still flattens the barriers that appear so insurmountable to this fearful and self-protective introvert. God is mightily glorified when, by grace, we reach across the artificial boundaries of politics, race, or denomination in order to truly “receive one another” in unity and acceptance.
Wanting to send my new friends on their way with sweetness, I pulled tiny jars of apple butter from my basement shelves. But the greater gift that day was offered to me — the priceless welcome and deep hospitality of friendship.
Putting Emotions To Work To Overcome Your Eating Disorder
Whether you’re just beginning to address your under- or overeating problems or have been making steady progress over years or decades, there’s one area that you will have to come to terms with sooner or later to achieve full recovery. To achieve a satisfying, nourishing, happy, and successful life without food problems, you will have to learn how put your emotions to work for you. This means not dancing around them by eating or calorie counting, obsessing about what you can/can’t/should/shouldn’t eat, or focusing on whether the numbers on the scale are moving up or down.
For many disordered eaters, identifying and sitting with feelings is the last hurdle to becoming a “normal” eater. Most are willing and often eager to practice new food- and weight-related behaviors, such as making satisfying food choices, eating mindfully, taking larger or smaller bites, throwing out the scale, eating without distractions, taking deep breaths after each mouthful, and staying connected to the body’s pleasure center during the eating process. But most people with eating problems—actually, most people, period—have difficulty getting comfortable with feelings. It’s important for you to recognize that disordered eaters are far from the only ones who have difficulty handling emotions. To greater or lesser extent, everyone does.
Unfortunately, every time you use food (move toward or away from it) instead of feeling an authentic emotion, you miss an opportunity to discover something about what’s happening in your internal world. Think of your emotions as equivalent to your senses. The latter alert us to our reaction to our environment—thumbs up or thumbs down—through touch, smell, sight, hearing, and taste. Our feelings have a similar function as they provide us with information about our reaction to people and situations. The function of both our senses and our emotions is to move us toward pleasure and away from pain. Emotions help us decide what is self-threatening—smelling smoke and seeing flames across the room—and what is self-enhancing—sensory delight derived from gazing out over the ocean as gulls soar overhead and the sun dips into the sea.
If you’re like most people, you don’t realize the value and purpose of emotions and assume they’re not important, or worse, that uncomfortable feelings should be avoided at all cost. But, I bet you’d never think of shutting off your senses and wandering through the world without them. Well, that’s exactly what you do every time you ignore or minimize a feeling.
What if emotions aren’t the demons you’ve made them out to be? What if emotions are your teachers and your care-takers? What if they’re not trash but treasures?
One of the reasons that emotions get a bad rap is that they can feel truly awful. We may believe that if something doesn’t feel good, it can’t be good, but this is far from the truth. There are lots of painful cures to what ails us that we tolerate because we know they are necessary and promote ultimate health and well-being—injections, dental fillings and implants, physical therapy, and surgery, to name a few. No one says, gee, terrific, I’m going to have my body sliced open today and then I’ll be in pain for weeks on end recovering. However, inspite of the fact that it’s often a nasty business, people schedule surgery because they know they’ll feel better in the long run.
The same is true of emotions. Just because they hurt or make you feel badly does not mean they are bad. Like musical notes and colors (and foods too!), there are no good or bad emotions. They’re what’s called value neutral. Think of them as messengers, giving you vital information about what’s happening within your internal landscape—you’re disappointed, ashamed, overwhelmed, overjoyed, furious, grief-stricken, content, shocked, revolted, elated, confused, lonely, excited, helpless. True, some of these feelings are excruciating and hard to bear, but they do pass and people survive them every day and have since the beginning of human existence. Half the battle is allowing yourself to be with your feelings without making judgments about them or the kind of person you are for having them. It’s a great deal easier to acknowledge, identify, experience, explore, and deal with feelings without all the associated criticisms you have of them or of yourself.
Recovering from an eating disorder means blossoming into a full, emotionally mature person. For that to happen, you must (yes, must) learn to experience all of your feelings; you can’t pick and choose. Becoming emotionally healthy is an all or nothing proposition, but one you can learn over time. If you believe you can’t bear your feelings alone, find a therapist who can guide you through them. Share your feelings with friends, start a journal, hug yourself, cry, holler til you’re hoarse, beat your pillow, sob til you’re exhausted.
At some point in recovery, you have to choose between food and feeling. You already know where your food obsession will lead you, so why not give feelings a try?
“The aim of trauma treatment is to update memories that have been encoded to produce fear, shame and other painful emotions in response to an event with new interpretations or meanings so that the memories become non-threatening.”
Not only does Courtney Armstrong have a deep understanding of the nature of trauma and treating its debilitating effects, she has the ability to explain complex theory in language that readers can understand. This winning combo makes much of the information in Rethinking Trauma Treatment, a book written for clinicians, worthwhile for trauma survivors as well as for the people in their lives who are trying to support and care for them.
The book is divided into three sections: developing the therapeutic alliance, transforming traumatic memories, and post-traumatic growth. Armstrong’s liberal use of case histories and client anecdotes illustrates what happens intrapsychically and interpersonally to people who have experienced trauma and are trying to move beyond its lingering, painful memories. Describing how therapists need to create safe havens in their sessions with trauma survivors, she underscores how attachment disorders leave them anxious, insecure, reactive and mistrustful of others, all of which make developing rapport and sustaining connection a challenge.
She goes on to present exercises that ground and soothe clients and are necessary not only for them to tolerate the therapist’s exploration of their traumatic memories, but for them to become less reactive in their lives. The range of Armstrong’s interventions is impressive, and her clinical examples show the reader what approaches work and how attunement is key to providing exactly what each client needs for healing. This process, similar to observing master therapists interview clients, will teach novice clinicians a great deal about how to approach and relate to all, not just traumatized, clients by paying attention to Armstrong’s nuanced and enlightened therapeutic responses.
Section two explains what happens to the brain and body when someone experiences trauma. Armstrong defines trauma as “a disorder of memory,” a definition which is key to understanding how she works with it. Early on in the book, she describes how the brain reacts to “emotionally stressful encounters” through the amygdala encoding “all the sensory information associated with the event into what is called an implicit memory . . . a network of neurons that contains the felt, experiential part of memory.” She stresses that implicit memory is far different from explicit or didactic memory which records the factual details of events.
The aim of trauma treatment is to update memories that have been encoded to produce fear, shame and other painful emotions in response to an event with new interpretations or meanings so that the memories become non-threatening. Armstrong uses the example of a “virus or software program with a bug that gets downloaded to a computer.” Just as the computer needs to be recoded when there are errors, so do our brains. Once memory updates are completed through a five-step protocol contained in Armstrong’s acronym RECON, the painful emotions experienced in an event lose their toxicity.
Section two also addresses specific types of trauma: sexual and combat, abuse from childhood, and traumatic grief and loss. Again, Armstrong uses an abundance of examples to illustrate the theory behind memory reconsolidation, so that what she is doing therapeutically, which may feel like magic to the transformed client, is grounded in intentional interventions that are tailored to resolving each type of trauma.
The final section of the book is devoted to clients’ improved mental health and to what therapists must do to hold onto their own. Most readers will be familiar with the term PTSD or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, but many may not know what Post-Traumatic Growth is: the healthy, positive changes that occur in trauma survivors’ lives down the road. This transformation has been studied and validated by scientific research—many people who had horrific experiences that they thought would scar them for life, instead, have gone on to achieve five specific positive changes: “greater sense of personal strength, openness to new possibilities, greater appreciation for life, spiritual development, and enhanced relationships.”
Additionally, Armstrong cautions therapists who work frequently and intensively with trauma survivors to watch out for common hazards that might arise and impact their own mental health. She describes therapists’ risk for compassion fatigue or numbing out, loss of empathy for trauma clients, and emotional burnout from the stress of their work. Citing examples of each, she encourages therapists to take care of themselves by finding emotional balance in their lives.
Therapists who are new to the complexities of trauma resolution will be grateful for Armstrong’s inclusion of learning tools such as diagrams, client worksheets, and verbatim therapist-client dialogues. Clinicians who already use the book’s cutting-edge memory reconsolidation approach will deepen their knowledge of its principles and find myriad practices and applications to make certain that trauma survivors are well served.
As 2017 begins we all hear the usual talk of New Year’s Resolutions, the desire to make improvements in one’s life, all of which is perfectly fine of course. If you are genuinely unhappy with a certain aspect (or aspects) of your life, then by all means it’s appropriate to take steps to make changes that would lead to more satisfying results. With that said, there is a hazard to being so focused on achieving something down the road that we fail to live our lives as fully we can within the context of the only time that really matters – NOW. And, the more we remain centered on getting someplace the greater the likelihood that we fail to truly appreciate all the good things we already have in our lives.
Yes, we’ve all heard it, “be grateful,” but how many of us actually take the time to acknowledge all of our blessings on a daily basis? The answer is probably not very many. What makes it even more challenging is a media (news & advertising both) that constantly focuses on “what’s missing” in life, selling the future all the time to keep the wheels of economic growth rolling forward. From my own life experience I can attest to spending way too much time thinking that getting someplace else was the key to happiness as opposed to finding the happiness within any given moment.
Alas, I literally spent decades in that mindset and missed out on so much of life. Now at the ripe old age of 60 I can relate even more directly to what Pink Floyd meant when they wrote this line in their hit song “Time”:
“And then one day you’ll find 10 years have got behind you.”
Yes, indeed, if one lives life always looking forward I can speak from personal experience that an entire decade (or more) can just fly by without you even being aware of it, and in the process much of day to day life winds up being squandered.
For anyone reading this post who may be in their 20s, 30s and even 40s, it’s possible that you might consider that the age of 60 is “old,” and it’s likely that you may not even be able to relate to being such a lofty age. I certainly felt that way when living in those age groups, but I can assure you of this, if you are fortunate enough to make it to that age you will realize firsthand that while your body has aged the same basic essence that was “you” at 20, 30, and 40 remains the same. Sure, you would have evolved as a person and hopefully changed for the better, but all those versions of you still exist within the context of your mind. And you will likely find yourself wondering someday, “Where in the heck did all that time go?”
For this reason, it’s so important each day to have a healthy respect for life itself and not sleepwalk through it, looking forward to some future event or circumstances to finally bring the happiness that always seems to be just around the corner. Life is NOW, period. So live it fully, graciously accept the good and the bad each day and make your best effort to remind yourself to remain conscious moment-to-moment of what you are doing and thinking throughout the day. In everything you do give all of your focus to what is happening in that moment, like savoring every sip of your favorite beverage and every bite of the foods you love. Do your very best not to get distracted by things that “in the great design of life are so pitifully small” as the musical artist Todd Rundgren once wrote.
In closing, consider this thought-provoking passage from the late Fr. Anthony DeMello’s book Awareness:
“Visit a graveyard. It’s an enormously purifying and beautiful experience. You look at this name and you say, “Gee, he lived so many years ago, two centuries ago; he must have had all the problems that I have, must have had lots of sleepless nights.” How crazy, we live for such a short time. An Italian poet said, “We live in a flash of light; evening comes, and it’s night forever.” It’s only a flash and we waste it. We waste it with our anxiety, our worries, our concerns, our burdens.”
