Have you ever considered signing a contract with your loved one that goes beyond the typical "Do not eat the last slice of pizza" agreement? Welcome to the world of relationship contracts – a trend turning heads faster than a surprise proposal at a family gathering.
Gone are when love was just a series of spontaneous acts and whispered sweet nothings. In our fast-paced, emoji-driven world, more couples are taking a cue from the business realm to draft cohabitation agreements and relationship contracts. These aren't just pieces of paper; they're blueprints for a healthy relationship.
So, why are these contracts gaining popularity? Maybe it's because they help clarify what each person expects from the other – kind of like agreeing on who gets control of the TV remote on Monday nights. But it's more than that. These agreements can be a real lifesaver, helping couples navigate through the ups and downs of a relationship without ending up in Splitsville.
Stay tuned as this blog takes you through the ins and outs of relationship contracts and how they might be the secret ingredient to keeping your love life as zesty and fulfilling as your grandma's secret pasta sauce.
Understanding the Basics of a Relationship Contract
A relationship contract is a straightforward yet powerful tool for couples seeking clarity and structure in their partnership. Think of it as a practical framework, not unlike a cohabitation agreement, that outlines expectations and responsibilities. In essence, relationship contracts are agreements co-created by partners to define the terms of their relationship.
They can cover various topics, from financial arrangements to emotional needs, ensuring both parties are on the same page. Relationship contracts can help prevent misunderstandings and foster a stronger, more harmonious bond by clearly stating what each partner expects from the other. Whether you're living together or just committed, considering a relationship contract could be a proactive step toward a healthier, more fulfilling partnership.
What Constitutes Such an Agreement?
A relationship contract, though informal, is a personal agreement between partners that outlines the expectations and boundaries of their relationship. Unlike a legally binding cohabitation agreement, a relationship contract is more about mutual understanding and respect than legal enforceability. It typically includes details like how to handle financial responsibilities, division of household chores, and guidelines for communication and conflict resolution.
The essence of a relationship contract lies in its ability to help couples navigate through their partnership with clear expectations, fostering a sense of security and trust. It's a tool for partners to express their needs and desires openly, ensuring they are heard and valued in the relationship. While not a legal document, a relationship contract is a meaningful way to strengthen the bond between partners, offering a personalized roadmap for a healthy and balanced partnership.
The Rise of Cohabitation Agreements
Recently, we've seen a noticeable increase in the popularity of cohabitation agreements, especially among couples who choose to live together without getting married. This shift reflects a growing awareness of the importance of financial security and a clear understanding of non-marital relationships. A cohabitation agreement is more than just a way to divide expenses or assets; it's a proactive approach to address potential issues before they arise.
These agreements can cover a wide range of topics, including property division, financial responsibilities, and even expectations for the relationship. By setting clear terms, couples can avoid misunderstandings and conflicts arising from living together. This trend suggests that more couples recognize the value of planning and open communication in their relationships, seeing these agreements as essential tools for a harmonious and secure partnership.
The Benefits of Creating a Binding Agreement in Your Relationship
Crafting a cohabitation agreement brings numerous advantages, particularly regarding legal protections in a relationship. Unlike informal arrangements, such an agreement provides a clear legal framework that can safeguard both partners in various scenarios, like separation or financial disputes. A relationship expert often highlights that these agreements encourage open communication and honesty, helping partners to discuss and agree on essential aspects of their lives together.
This process builds trust and ensures that both parties have a mutual understanding of their rights and responsibilities. A cohabitation agreement is not just a legal document; it's a tool for creating a stronger, more secure foundation for your relationship, offering peace of mind and clarity for both partners.
Enhancing Communication and Clarity
Creating a contract within a relationship, even if it's not legally enforceable, can significantly enhance communication between partners. It serves as a platform where each person, including one partner who might be more reserved, can openly express their needs and expectations. This process is valuable in defining and agreeing upon emotional support, financial responsibilities, and daily living arrangements.
By having these discussions and putting agreements in writing, both partners clearly understand their roles and responsibilities within the relationship. This clarity reduces the likelihood of misunderstandings and conflicts, as each partner knows what is expected of them and what they can expect from the other. A relationship contract fosters more profound honesty and understanding, paving the way for a more harmonious and fulfilling partnership.
Preventing Misunderstandings and Resolving Conflicts
A well-structured contract can be an invaluable tool in preventing misunderstandings and efficiently resolving conflicts for both unmarried and married couples. This is especially true when one party might have different expectations or interpretations of their relationship dynamics. Creating a contract encourages open discussion about various aspects of the relationship, allowing both partners to voice their concerns and expectations. This upfront clarity helps in avoiding misunderstandings that can lead to disputes.
Moreover, if conflicts arise, the contract serves as a reference point, offering a pre-agreed framework for resolution. This helps resolve issues more swiftly and ensures that solutions are fair and in line with what both partners initially agreed upon. In this way, a relationship contract can be pivotal in maintaining harmony and understanding in a partnership, whether the couple is married or not.
Practical Tips for Drafting Your Relationship Contract
For unmarried couples looking to draft a relationship contract, the key is to focus on clear, open communication. Start by sitting down together and discussing the aspects of your relationships that you both find crucial. An example of this might be how you'll handle financial responsibilities or make decisions about future living arrangements. It's essential to be honest and specific about your needs and expectations.
Write these points in simple, straightforward language, ensuring both partners understand and agree with each clause thoroughly. Remember, a relationship contract is a living document; it should evolve as your relationship grows. Regularly revisiting and revising the agreement can help keep your partnership strong and in sync. By taking these steps, unmarried couples can create a relationship contract that fosters clarity, mutual respect, and understanding.
Identifying Your Relationship Needs
Before creating a contract, you and your partner must understand what you need from the relationship. Many couples find that their needs might differ or evolve, and it's essential to recognize and address these changes. For example, one partner might prioritize emotional support, while the other might value shared hobbies or interests.
To help you in this process, I recommend you read this article to identify your relationship needs. It provides insightful guidance and questions to consider, allowing you to uncover the core aspects that are most important in your partnership. Understanding these needs is the first step in ensuring that your relationship contract reflects what is essential for you and your partner, paving the way for a fulfilling and harmonious connection.
Incorporating Flexibility and Review Mechanisms
It’s essential to incorporate flexibility and establish mechanisms for regular reviews in any relationship agreement, whether before marriage or within it. As life changes, so do the needs and circumstances of each partner. For example, money, career, or family changes can significantly impact your relationship dynamics.
The agreement can adapt to these evolving situations by building flexibility, ensuring it remains relevant and supportive for both partners. Regular reviews of the agreement allow you and your partner to discuss any new developments or changes in your needs and expectations.
This approach not only helps in maintaining the relevance of the agreement but also strengthens communication and understanding within the relationship. A flexible and regularly reviewed agreement can act as a dynamic tool that evolves alongside your partnership, providing a stable foundation through life's changes.
How to Introduce the Idea of a Relationship Contract to Your Partner
Introducing the idea of a relationship contract to your partner can be a delicate matter, especially if you're not married or considering a formal union like a court marriage. The key is to approach the conversation with openness and sensitivity. Start by expressing your feelings and why you think a relationship contract could benefit you.
Make it clear that this isn't about mistrust or control but rather about creating a mutual understanding and clear guidelines for both of you. Encourage your partner to share their thoughts and concerns.
Remember, creating a contract should be mutual and approached as a team. It’s not about enforcing rules but finding common ground and ensuring both partners feel heard and respected. By framing the conversation this way, you can help your partner see the contract as a positive step towards strengthening your relationship.
Starting the Conversation with Empathy and Understanding
When discussing the possibility of a relationship contract, especially if you're not yet married or considering a legal step like going to court, it's essential to approach the topic with empathy and understanding. Begin by choosing a calm, comfortable setting where you and your partner feel comfortable talking openly.
Express your thoughts gently, focusing on your mutual goals and the benefits such an agreement could bring to your relationship. Listen actively to your partner's views and concerns, showing that you value their opinion and that the decision to create a contract is collaborative. Avoid making it sound like a request; instead, emphasize that it's about finding ways to strengthen your bond and ensure clarity in your partnership. By initiating the conversation with care and consideration, you can pave the way for a constructive and respectful discussion.
Using a Romantic Love Contract Template
When creating a relationship contract, starting with a structured approach is helpful. A template can guide you through the process, ensuring you cover essential areas such as assets, responsibilities, and obligations in your relationship. It's not just about the practicalities; a well-thought-out contract can also reinforce your partnership's romantic and emotional aspects. Check out this romantic love contract template to make this process easier and more meaningful.
This template is designed to help you and your partner navigate the complexities of your relationship in a way that's both comprehensive and romantic. It will guide you in discussing and defining key elements of your partnership, allowing you to create an agreement that respects both your practical needs and your emotional bond. You can build a strong foundation for a loving and responsible relationship using this template.
Revitalizing Your Relationship with a Renewed Agreement
Revitalizing your relationship can sometimes mean revisiting and renewing the agreement you both signed. This is not just about redefining obligations or adjusting practical arrangements; it’s also an opportunity to reflect on the health of your relationship. Over time, as your relationship evolves, so do your needs and circumstances.
A renewed agreement allows you to acknowledge these changes and make necessary adjustments. It's a chance to openly discuss what has been working well and what might need improvement. By renewing your contract, you are reaffirming your commitment to each other and ensuring that your relationship continues to grow in a healthy and fulfilling way. This process is a powerful tool for keeping your partnership strong, responsive, and aligned with your evolving needs and desires.
When It’s Time to Renew or Revise Your Agreement
Recognizing when it's time to renew or revise your relationship agreement is crucial for keeping it relevant and supportive. One clear sign is when significant life changes occur, such as a decision to buy property together or shifts in your circle of friends that might affect your social dynamics.
Another indicator is if you face recurring issues or disagreements not initially covered in your agreement. It's also wise to revisit your contract when your relationship reaches new milestones, like an anniversary, which can prompt reflection on your journey together.
Deciding to review and update your agreement shouldn’t be seen as a failure or setback; instead, it's a positive step towards ensuring your relationship thrives and adapts to both partners' evolving needs and circumstances. Regularly revising your agreement helps maintain its relevance and align your relationship with your current life stage and goals.
Making It Work for the Long Haul
Keeping a relationship fresh and aligned with your agreement over the long haul involves continuous effort and adaptability. It’s crucial to regularly communicate with your partner, not just about day-to-day matters but also about deeper feelings and aspirations. This ongoing dialogue ensures that both partners remain connected and aware of each other's evolving needs and desires.
Additionally, it's important to keep revisiting and adjusting your agreement as necessary. Relationships and relationships change; your agreement should reflect these changes. Incorporating regular 'relationship check-ins' can be a great way to assess how well the current deal is working and identify areas that might need tweaking.
Remember, the goal of your agreement is to support a healthy and fulfilling relationship, so it should be flexible enough to grow with you. You can ensure your partnership remains strong and vibrant for years by staying open, communicative, and willing to adapt.
Reigniting the Spark: Strategies for Reviving Love in Your Marriage
Revitalizing the love in your marriage can be an enriching journey. It's about finding those special moments that reignite the passion and connection you once felt. Start by setting aside regular quality time for each other and engaging in meaningful conversations. Effective communication is crucial – openly sharing your feelings, hopes, and concerns.
Show your partner appreciation and remind them of their importance in your life. A helpful resource is just a click away for husbands seeking specific guidance on reconnecting with their wives. By visiting the link on making my wife love me again, you can access strategies and insights tailored to help deepen your understanding and enhance the emotional bond in your marriage. It's essential to approach this process with empathy, patience, and a willingness to adapt, as these are the keys to a long-lasting and fulfilling relationship.
Conclusion
Relationship contracts are potent tools for preventing breakups and fostering clear communication and understanding between partners. By defining expectations and addressing essential aspects of your partnership, these agreements help build a stronger, more resilient bond. Reflect on how a relationship contract could fortify your relationship, ensuring it thrives through life's challenges and changes. Remember, it's not about preparing for an end but about nurturing a lasting, fulfilling connection.
Author Bio
Steffo Shambo is the founder of Tantricacademy, where he hosts a program called The Tantric Man Experience – the #1 love and relationship program for men. He strives to empower men to tap into their complete masculine confidence, intimate power, and ability to connect with themselves and their partners on a deeper level than ever before. He’s helped hundreds of men worldwide harness their masculine life force energy to save their relationship or attract their dream partner in only nine weeks.
“All you need is love,” sang the Beatles many decades ago. It’s a song still sung today. And for good reason. The tune is catchy, and the message is hopeful: “There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done.”
Were it that simple. Love, after all, is our greatest joy. But it can also be complex and complicated. Loving someone “for better or worse, in sickness and in health,” means taking the good with the bad. And that’s not always easy.
Many—if not most—of us will have to take care of the person we love during an illness. It might be for a day, a week or even longer. Some may find it a daunting challenge. For me, it’s a call to action.
Over the past two and a half decades, my husband has been hospitalized many times. Often, it’s involved life-threatening illness with long periods of hospitalization and recuperation. In times like that, I do everything in my power to help him get better. Love is the starting point for advocacy.
Along the way, I have learned a lot about the hospital setting and the very real impact that families can have in making sure their loved ones get the best care. Hospitals are bureaucratic and scary places. For patients and their families, it can feel like being tourists lost in a strange land, not knowing the customs, the language or the culture.
Patients are weak and flat on their backs. They are usually in no position to advocate for themselves. Doctors are busy, rushing from one patient to the next; nurses are stretched, trying to meet the many needs of their patients.
Families can make a difference. They can represent the patient’s wishes and needs when their loved one is unable to speak for him or herself. Knowing the patient better than anyone else in the hospital counts for a lot when navigating the impersonal environment of a hospital setting. Families—working as members of the care team—can also connect the dots because doctors, quite honestly, don’t always communicate well with one another.
Families can fill in the blanks when the sick patient doesn’t fully comprehend everything being said or is not able to remember it later. They also can bring information, perspective and insight that patients may forget or are uncomfortable sharing themselves.
And when the patient goes home, continued care must involve the family to ensure instructions are followed regarding medication, doctor visits, exercise, restrictions, and more.
Much is written about patient-centered medicine. But research shows that patient and family-centered medicine provides the best clinical outcomes, increases patient satisfaction, lowers costs, reduces risks of readmission and can even save lives.
Families can and do make a real difference. They start with love and build from there. There’s one more line from the Beatle’s song that applies here: [There’s] … “no one you can save that can't be saved.”
The one you help save just may be the one you love most.
# # #
Bonnie Friedman is author of Hospital Warrior: How to Get the Best Care for Your Loved One and host of the podcast Hospital Warrior: Advocates and Experts on the Whole Care Network.
Having high emotional granularity is a vital tool for reducing emotional eating. The term was coined by Northeastern University Psychology Professor Lisa Feldman Barrett shortly after the turn of the century and refers to the ability to recognize, identify and express a full range of emotions. People with high emotional granularity have “finely tuned feelings.” They value emotions and are in touch with them most of the time. Moreover, they don’t lump all emotions together, but feel and can describe their nuances. Upset might be parsed as frightened, dismayed or exasperated. Angry might be viewed as frustrated, helpless or fearful.
Says Barrett, “Emotional granularity isn’t just about having a rich vocabulary; it’s about experiencing the world, and yourself, more precisely. This can make a difference in your life. In fact, there is growing scientific evidence that precisely tailored emotional experiences are good for you, even if those experiences are negative.” (“Are You in Despair? That’s Good,” The NY Times, 6/3/16, http://clbb.mgh.harvard.edu/are-you-in-despair-thats-good/#more-7340, accessed 1/29/19).
“According to a collection of studies, finely grained, unpleasant feelings allow people to be more agile at regulating their emotions, less likely to drink excessively when stressed and less likely to retaliate aggressively against someone who has hurt them…Perhaps surprisingly, the benefits of high emotional granularity are not only psychological. People who achieve it are also likely to have longer, healthier lives. They go to the doctor and use medication less frequently, and spend fewer days hospitalized for illness. Cancer patients, for example, have lower levels of harmful inflammation when they more frequently categorize, label and understand their emotions.”
There’s evidence that emotional granularity improves mental health. Higher emotional granularity translates to better coping skills and, therefore, fewer maladaptive behaviors such as addictions. Relationships also improve when people are attuned to emotions.
How emotionally granular are you? Do you have difficulty identifying your feelings? Do you ignore them? Lump them together? Therapy can help because it provides a safe place to learn about and discuss emotions. By becoming more tuned in to them, you’ll up your emotional intelligence and do less mindless or binge eating.
Putting Emotions To Work To Overcome Your Eating Disorder
Whether you’re just beginning to address your under- or overeating problems or have been making steady progress over years or decades, there’s one area that you will have to come to terms with sooner or later to achieve full recovery. To achieve a satisfying, nourishing, happy, and successful life without food problems, you will have to learn how put your emotions to work for you. This means not dancing around them by eating or calorie counting, obsessing about what you can/can’t/should/shouldn’t eat, or focusing on whether the numbers on the scale are moving up or down.
For many disordered eaters, identifying and sitting with feelings is the last hurdle to becoming a “normal” eater. Most are willing and often eager to practice new food- and weight-related behaviors, such as making satisfying food choices, eating mindfully, taking larger or smaller bites, throwing out the scale, eating without distractions, taking deep breaths after each mouthful, and staying connected to the body’s pleasure center during the eating process. But most people with eating problems—actually, most people, period—have difficulty getting comfortable with feelings. It’s important for you to recognize that disordered eaters are far from the only ones who have difficulty handling emotions. To greater or lesser extent, everyone does.
Unfortunately, every time you use food (move toward or away from it) instead of feeling an authentic emotion, you miss an opportunity to discover something about what’s happening in your internal world. Think of your emotions as equivalent to your senses. The latter alert us to our reaction to our environment—thumbs up or thumbs down—through touch, smell, sight, hearing, and taste. Our feelings have a similar function as they provide us with information about our reaction to people and situations. The function of both our senses and our emotions is to move us toward pleasure and away from pain. Emotions help us decide what is self-threatening—smelling smoke and seeing flames across the room—and what is self-enhancing—sensory delight derived from gazing out over the ocean as gulls soar overhead and the sun dips into the sea.
If you’re like most people, you don’t realize the value and purpose of emotions and assume they’re not important, or worse, that uncomfortable feelings should be avoided at all cost. But, I bet you’d never think of shutting off your senses and wandering through the world without them. Well, that’s exactly what you do every time you ignore or minimize a feeling.
What if emotions aren’t the demons you’ve made them out to be? What if emotions are your teachers and your care-takers? What if they’re not trash but treasures?
One of the reasons that emotions get a bad rap is that they can feel truly awful. We may believe that if something doesn’t feel good, it can’t be good, but this is far from the truth. There are lots of painful cures to what ails us that we tolerate because we know they are necessary and promote ultimate health and well-being—injections, dental fillings and implants, physical therapy, and surgery, to name a few. No one says, gee, terrific, I’m going to have my body sliced open today and then I’ll be in pain for weeks on end recovering. However, inspite of the fact that it’s often a nasty business, people schedule surgery because they know they’ll feel better in the long run.
The same is true of emotions. Just because they hurt or make you feel badly does not mean they are bad. Like musical notes and colors (and foods too!), there are no good or bad emotions. They’re what’s called value neutral. Think of them as messengers, giving you vital information about what’s happening within your internal landscape—you’re disappointed, ashamed, overwhelmed, overjoyed, furious, grief-stricken, content, shocked, revolted, elated, confused, lonely, excited, helpless. True, some of these feelings are excruciating and hard to bear, but they do pass and people survive them every day and have since the beginning of human existence. Half the battle is allowing yourself to be with your feelings without making judgments about them or the kind of person you are for having them. It’s a great deal easier to acknowledge, identify, experience, explore, and deal with feelings without all the associated criticisms you have of them or of yourself.
Recovering from an eating disorder means blossoming into a full, emotionally mature person. For that to happen, you must (yes, must) learn to experience all of your feelings; you can’t pick and choose. Becoming emotionally healthy is an all or nothing proposition, but one you can learn over time. If you believe you can’t bear your feelings alone, find a therapist who can guide you through them. Share your feelings with friends, start a journal, hug yourself, cry, holler til you’re hoarse, beat your pillow, sob til you’re exhausted.
At some point in recovery, you have to choose between food and feeling. You already know where your food obsession will lead you, so why not give feelings a try?
As 2017 begins we all hear the usual talk of New Year’s Resolutions, the desire to make improvements in one’s life, all of which is perfectly fine of course. If you are genuinely unhappy with a certain aspect (or aspects) of your life, then by all means it’s appropriate to take steps to make changes that would lead to more satisfying results. With that said, there is a hazard to being so focused on achieving something down the road that we fail to live our lives as fully we can within the context of the only time that really matters – NOW. And, the more we remain centered on getting someplace the greater the likelihood that we fail to truly appreciate all the good things we already have in our lives.
Yes, we’ve all heard it, “be grateful,” but how many of us actually take the time to acknowledge all of our blessings on a daily basis? The answer is probably not very many. What makes it even more challenging is a media (news & advertising both) that constantly focuses on “what’s missing” in life, selling the future all the time to keep the wheels of economic growth rolling forward. From my own life experience I can attest to spending way too much time thinking that getting someplace else was the key to happiness as opposed to finding the happiness within any given moment.
Alas, I literally spent decades in that mindset and missed out on so much of life. Now at the ripe old age of 60 I can relate even more directly to what Pink Floyd meant when they wrote this line in their hit song “Time”:
“And then one day you’ll find 10 years have got behind you.”
Yes, indeed, if one lives life always looking forward I can speak from personal experience that an entire decade (or more) can just fly by without you even being aware of it, and in the process much of day to day life winds up being squandered.
For anyone reading this post who may be in their 20s, 30s and even 40s, it’s possible that you might consider that the age of 60 is “old,” and it’s likely that you may not even be able to relate to being such a lofty age. I certainly felt that way when living in those age groups, but I can assure you of this, if you are fortunate enough to make it to that age you will realize firsthand that while your body has aged the same basic essence that was “you” at 20, 30, and 40 remains the same. Sure, you would have evolved as a person and hopefully changed for the better, but all those versions of you still exist within the context of your mind. And you will likely find yourself wondering someday, “Where in the heck did all that time go?”
For this reason, it’s so important each day to have a healthy respect for life itself and not sleepwalk through it, looking forward to some future event or circumstances to finally bring the happiness that always seems to be just around the corner. Life is NOW, period. So live it fully, graciously accept the good and the bad each day and make your best effort to remind yourself to remain conscious moment-to-moment of what you are doing and thinking throughout the day. In everything you do give all of your focus to what is happening in that moment, like savoring every sip of your favorite beverage and every bite of the foods you love. Do your very best not to get distracted by things that “in the great design of life are so pitifully small” as the musical artist Todd Rundgren once wrote.
In closing, consider this thought-provoking passage from the late Fr. Anthony DeMello’s book Awareness:
“Visit a graveyard. It’s an enormously purifying and beautiful experience. You look at this name and you say, “Gee, he lived so many years ago, two centuries ago; he must have had all the problems that I have, must have had lots of sleepless nights.” How crazy, we live for such a short time. An Italian poet said, “We live in a flash of light; evening comes, and it’s night forever.” It’s only a flash and we waste it. We waste it with our anxiety, our worries, our concerns, our burdens.”
When I was growing up in Ireland and attending secondary school, I had to choose between the sciences and the humanities. At the tender age of 14, when I was clueless about who I really was and what I wanted, I had to make this life-defining choice. Consulting the career-guidance counsellor did not help, as he himself had clearly chosen the wrong career.
Those who wanted a more credible, secure career opted for the sciences, whereas those who wanted to follow their hearts or creative yearnings opted for the arts. We learn early in life that the world of science offers respectability, credibility and security, while the arts and humanities are considered to be less serious or worthy. You don’t often hear about starving engineers, but starving artists appear to be a worldwide phenomenon.
This separation of head from heart has created a fundamental rift between these two essential and complementary aspects of our selves. Without one, we lose perspective; without the other, we lose our humanity. With too much of one, we end up stuck in our heads, relying on logic to make things work; with too much of the other, we may become ungrounded or fail to stand up for ourselves when challenged.
Having just published a book (see https://www.emfoff.com/) that blends science and sentiments in a rather novel way, I was nonetheless surprised when several people told me how brave I was. Did I not worry about losing credibility by talking about consciousness and feelings? Wasn’t I afraid that real scientists would dismiss this kind of book as fluff, lacking scientific credibility? I never even thought about this. To me, science and humanity must come together as equal partners for our world to make sense—and for us to evolve in a positive direction. After all, many of the problems I was addressing in my book were the direct result of the split between head and heart, which is one of the key reasons we have abdicated control over our own lives, surrendering our sense of what’s right in deference to those who supposedly know better than we do.
Body Knows Best
Yet there is no greater authority than the human body—our own personal medium of evolution—and reclaiming our autonomy requires engaging not just our hearts and minds but also our spiritual selves. We must be fully human to be fully effective. We must engage our multi-dimensional selves if we want to have an impact that goes beyond conventional approaches. We must elevate our consciousness if we want to rise above the dysfunction of our world. And we must tell a new story about what’s possible and how powerful we really are.
While we might tend to give more credence to science than anything else, we also love stories. We immerse ourselves in stories, whether they’re our own personal accounts, the books we read, the movies we watch or the history we research. Stories are both an escape from current reality and a potential springboard to a brighter future. We can use them to perpetuate an old pattern or to create a vision of something fabulous.
Think of famous actors and how much money they make. Who else gets paid big bucks for telling stories and prancing around pretending to be something they’re not? Okay, yes, politicians do, although they don’t get paid as much as movie stars and they’re meant to protect our interests rather than just providing entertainment.
Our love of stories, movies and fantasies is all about creativity and imagination. It has nothing to do with science. And science itself would be a lot less advanced if it weren’t for our capacity to dream and envisage phenomenal things, and to tap into universal intelligence for inspiration, healing and breakthroughs. Creativity, intuition and imagination are not just necessary counterparts to left-brain scientific thinking; they are often the midwives that enable a theory, idea or innovation to be born.
Even scientists fall in love. We all have hearts, although we might try to hide our true feelings in certain contexts, for fear of being considered weak or effeminate. Yet we now know that heartbreak, emotional disconnectedness and loneliness can cause heart attacks and very real, physical conditions, whereas heartfelt emotions are magnetic, connecting us to things about which we care passionately, when fuelled by positive intention and determination. The heart does not use logical analysis to make inspired choices. It operates on a higher plane, tapping into the infinite realm of universal intelligence and intuition.
If your heart is disconnected from your head, it’s a bit like revving your car when it’s stuck in neutral. There’s power there but it’s not engaged; there’s potential for forward movement, but no one is actually driving, steering or focusing in a particular direction. Lots of noise but no action. A waste of energy with no useful outcome.
Home is where the heart is, but the heart is also home. If we abandon it in favour of our heads, we may feel lost, disconnected or conflicted, experiencing mixed results in our endeavours. Reconnecting to our heart and allowing it to guide us is the only sure way to stay true to ourselves and to create a life we love.
To get reconnected, try to incorporate the following seven steps into your daily routine:
1. Slow down and switch off. Fast-paced living prevents us from connecting with our feelings, processing our emotions and integrating life’s experiences. Busyness, social media and constant online connectivity can be a great way to avoid feeling pain, loss, conflict etc. We need stillness so we can become aware of the important subtle messages from our hearts and bodies.
2. Practise meditating. Emptying the mind and taking a break from analysing or questioning our lives creates space for inspiration and answers, while giving our over-worked bodies and brains a rest.
3. Spend time in nature. Being in a natural environment—away from noise, machinery, traffic, phones, computers, work and people—is the most powerful way to ground ourselves and find peace. Nature is all about growth and life, and we could not exist without it. When we spend time in the forest, by the ocean or on a mountaintop, we revitalize our bodies and feed our spirits, often gaining a fresh perspective on things.
4. Nourish yourself. A healthy body promotes a clear mind and a happy heart. We must nourish our brain, soothe our nervous system and boost our immune system if we want to stay balanced. Wholesome, unprocessed foods, healthy oils (such as organic coconut, camelina, avocado and fish oils), iodine (to protect against manmade electromagnetic radiation), antioxidants (such as vitamins C and E), superfoods (such as chlorella, blueberries, cacao and goji berries) and lots of pure water all help to keep the heart and body healthy.
5. Work your body. Moving your body aerobically takes you out of your head and into your feelings. Kundalini yoga or other vigorous exercise stirs things up, releases tension and prompts our innate wisdom and deeper feelings to surface. The body holds all the clues and answers we need, and the heart is its most reliable messenger—our built-in wellness ambassador, best friend and advisor.
6. Write it out. Writing can be a great way of exploring your deeper feelings and thinking outside the box. Try writing non-stop for five minutes every day, with no fixed theme and no editing—just whatever comes to you. Our hearts and minds hold all the insights we could ever want and spontaneous writing can help us to access them.
7. Laugh and connect with loved ones. Everyone needs meaningful human connections for physical, emotional and mental health. Sometimes we may not even know what we feel or want until we talk to a friend or close relative. Relating to others helps us to relate to our deeper selves, and having love in our lives makes all the challenges worthwhile.
What works for you? What process, food or supplement has helped you stay emotionally connected and on track with your life?
I discovered these words, torn and discarded from my 8 year old granddaughter’s notebook, in our trash bin after one of our son’s visits. My husband had lost his hearing aid. Were it not for his absent-minded toss and my fear of the financial consequence, I would certainly never have crawled headfirst into our stinky trash bin. The wisdom of my granddaughter’s lyrics, so innocently and faithfully written, might have been lost but for grandpa’s misplaced hearing aid. The irony is not lost on me. These words would have been forever silent, lost among the ruins of banana peels and broken boxes. Such is the perfection of life.
Don’t we all know, at some level, the wisdom and truth of my granddaughter’s words? A child can only know that one thing: you and me came true into the world. As children, we have no choice but to trust that instinct, ignorant of the world and armed only with innocence. The crux of the matter is that we must survive and so begins the surrender of that True Self. We watch, we adjust, we give ourselves over to a mentally fabricated “pretend-self” to persevere. As adults, it takes awareness and years to erase that kind of conditioning.
“Minding the Mind” is the art of remembering our basic intuitive wisdom. It takes time to hear the deep inner astute voice that recognizes and embraces the Self we are meant to be. It takes time to de-condition the mind. It takes time to trust again.
Mental chatter is not the same thing as the brain processing information. Without the brain, our bodies would be lifeless. Without the mind, however, our lives would be fulfilling and purposeful. Perhaps baffling on the surface, the profundity of ignoring the mind is life changing. After six years of practicing this I am far closer to being myself than at any time in my 65 years on this planet. Finally comfortable in my own skin, my life is better. My family better for my continuing effort.
What I have discovered is that the mind does not know, it only harvests information. It can help me drive a car and remember how to turn on the coffee pot. It can help me spell and write stories that have meaning to me. It remembers (sometimes) where I put my keys and how to get to the store. But when it comes to decision making it is truly inept, a light switch on a fake wall, disconnected from its power source. My mind has gotten me into more predicaments, more trouble, than I care to remember but am inclined not to forget.
Our mental construct teachers us to hate, to fear, to object to anything that does not align with our false image of “right” or “wrong.” We build walls, real or imagined, and align with false narratives that keep us acceptable. We stay in relationships that abuse us, believe people who lie, and/or surrender our authority of “inner knowing” to another. In the most heinous of extremes, we vilify and tell lies about others who are descent, fly airplanes into buildings, or use automatic weapons to destroy life. All based upon mental decisions that choke the life out of humanity.
But there is hope. There is a way. There is a map. It begins with practicing one simple exercise that can change a person’s life forever. The secret?
WAIT.
Wait. Ask. Instinct. Trust.
Wait before making any decision or before taking an action. The world will not end if you take time to clearly know or sense whether something is true for you or not.
Ask a simple question, Is it true? Ninety-nine percent of mental chatter is false and sells lies and conspiracy theories, most often attached in some way to religious, political or social dogma.
Instinct. Trust yours. People who trust themselves are calm, confident, and assured. They make an impact. We cannot be like everyone else because we are not like anyone on the planet. We are magnificent in our own right and are enough. We are more than enough. We are Divinely created and perfectly Designed. Life knows where we live.
Trust that. Trust that your gifts will be discovered once you know what those gifts are. Your contributions are worthy when created from your uniqueness and will always find a home in those who are ready to receive them.
There are a lot of minds asking us to be like them.
There is no one like you.
I invite you to be you, wholly and completely, beautifully and correctly you. Within the cocoon the butterfly longs to take flight.
This article was written by Candace Conrad and inspired by Isabella Conradi and Reese Jessner.
Passion frightens people. We are told to find our passion and pursue it, and simultaneously censured for being too passionate. The world sets out to tame and calm us while telling us to live our passion fully. I unfortunately learned over the years to hide my passion in most situations. Full out laughter might result in someone telling me I was being too loud or that people were looking at me. Crying meant I was just an over-emotional female. Spreading my arms in the night wind inevitably resulted in someone asking me what I was “on” since clearly that kind of passion requires drugs. A lover once told me while I was wrapped in his arms that I was getting carried away, which of course I thought was the point.
And then there is work, where I was told over and over “we can tell you are passionate” in a disapproving tone. This happened everywhere from fund-raising meetings, where one needs a bit of passion, to academic councils where I was bringing new innovative programs for approval. Of course this took place in an academic setting where we ask faculty to share their passion with students, and to fill students with passion for a discipline and lifelong learning.
Over and over again we are instructed to live our passion and then told to tone it down. What if we live our passion and fall completely in love, only to have our hearts broken? What if we find a career we are passionate about and then find after a few years that we have fallen out of love and need a new direction? What if we are passionate about our family and fight to protect them? Or what if we are passionate about an issue, form a non-profit and change the world? A life of passion is dangerous.
This mixed message has hounded and haunted me. Am I having too much fun, too much in love with being alive, or perhaps just too much in love? Why should I dispassionately discuss my passion? Who is allowed to be passionate? Or maybe the question is who is courageous enough to be passionate.
Clearly people on the TED stage are passionate, as are commencement speakers, singers, performers and some fund-raisers. I have loved my passionate teachers and students, as well as the one time I had a fearlessly passionate lover. When I feel truly alive passion fills me, overflowing and dripping from my heart like thick sweet honey. Finding and feeling passion is not the issue, the challenge is having the courage to live it, sharing my honey like wine with a parched world.
I have spent years learning to moderate my voice in meetings, to sound dispassionate about topics that actually demand passion. I have learned to walk calmly and with strength, never displaying joy in my step. It is only when I am alone or with close friends that I let my love of life show on my face and in my demeanor. Until recently.
Something cut through the boundaries and borders of control that I have built over the years, and much like candy dancing free from the restraints of a piñata, my passion has broken free. I do not know where the courage came from to truly show up. Perhaps Kris Kristofferson was right when he wrote “freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose.” And perhaps finding freedom has made show off my passion. Perhaps it was the tango lessons that helped me shift my calm walk to a tango strut. Maybe I finally realized that my ability to laugh is a gift that positively changes the energy in a room. Or perhaps I just know that my meaning and purpose in life comes from being courageous enough to let my passion flow.
Life sometimes shifts when we least expect it to. Do you ever feel like you are dancing to repeating rhythms and melodies, songs that haunt you and at times retreat into the dark? And then suddenly, without fuss you find yourself at that wondrous crossroads of wisdom and desire where spirit speaks to you.
A place so sensuous and seductive that you have no choice but to let your soul awaken and dance to a different beat?
Perhaps this is the gift of spring, the rebirth of our mojo, our “muchness” as the Mad Hatter said to Alice. As the days grow longer and the cold retreats we explore a world full of options and opportunities. We shake off the illusions and scars that never defined us and make choices based on desire and wisdom, an unbeatable combination. Winter warns us that the world is dangerous and cold, but spring invites us to dive into our desires with passion and laughter and a bit of grace.
Maybe it is the wind that blows through our now open windows, or the scent of wild flowers that distract us from our fears. All we know is that life is calling and we must answer.
The crossroads is a meeting place where the voice of the universe speaks to us, reminding us that we will never really lose our craving for life and the touch of wildness on our hearts. Wisdom and desire are intertwined, and promise to be our guides. This is where I have found myself, dancing at the crossroads with just enough fear to know that an adventure awaits.
Perhaps it is the trip I am planning, or perhaps it is love just beyond the bend in the path.
Or best of all, perhaps I am about to meet my own powerful self, a part of me I was afraid had frozen in the past. If I am truly lucky, it will be all of these and more.
Do you feel the adventure of life calling to you? It does not take much to respond. Open the door and put your feet on a trail or a beach, or perhaps a dance floor. Spread your arms and twirl in the sunshine, letting your hair tangle and swirl.
Stop guarding your heart and start embracing love.
Everything you desire is here, because you are standing where desire and wisdom, love and passion, clarity and sensuality meet.
Are you someone who builds trust or someone who tears it down?
The ability to build trust is a competency of high emotional intelligence. Being trustworthy means to be ethical when working with and relating to others. It means doing the right thing even when you know no one will find out. When you are a trust builder, others have confidence that your actions are consistent with your words and know that you have their best interest at heart -- not only your own. If you are a trust builder, you demonstrate respect for others’ experiences, understand the hurt that deceitfulness can cause, and bring more value to relationships than pain.
Those who are strong in this competency tend to share information about themselves and don't keep secrets. They treat others consistently and with respect, and maintain high standards of personal integrity. They maintain a lifestyle that they don't have to hide from others. When you hear them talk about something, you know that their actions will match up with their words, and you can count on them to deliver on their promises and commitments.
Those who aren't so strong in this competency aren't able to build open, candid, trusting relationships. They've most likely developed a reputation for lacking integrity, and often make promises that they do not keep. They will do what serves them best even if it means undermining another person to get what they want. They lie about little things, and lie about big things. If you ask them what their values are, you may get the 'deer in the headlights' look, as they often have troubles defining their standards in the name of being 'open-minded' or 'non-judgmental'. They tend to blame others for their mistakes and withhold information to keep them out of 'trouble.'
“Earn trust, earn trust, earn trust. Then you can worry about the rest.” --Seth Godin
It's impossible to lead without being able to build trust. When others begin to doubt you, they will think twice about following you and question whether or not you are worth teaming up with. They will mistrust your ideas and direction, and worry that you may be putting YOUR best interests before their own.
It's true that it takes a long time to build trust but only an instant to destroy it. One self-centered lie or act of deceit can ruin how others view you for days and months to come.
Why are some trust breakers? For many, the practice of deceit stems from deep-rooted fears…fear of being accepted, fear of being known, fear of punishment, fear of self, fear of being held to expectations, fear of letting others down, fear of being disliked, fear of being an disappointment...the list goes on and on. The thing is, we all have fears. We all want to be liked and accepted and valuable in others' eyes. But the difference between trust builders and trust breakers is that the trust builders face their fears by understanding that honesty and authenticity are what bring about those results, where trust breakers think dishonesty will get them there. But a life of deceit won't bring about deep, meaningful relationships that we all desire.
“It is true that integrity alone won’t make you a leader, but without integrity you will never be one.” -- Zig Ziglar
Not sure if you're a trust builder or a trust breaker?
Look over these statements, and give yourself a score for each, using this scale: 1= Always, 2=Almost always 3=Occasionally 4=Almost never 5=Never
1. I share my thoughts, feelings and decision-making rationale.
2. I am able to establish trusting relationships.
3. I am open to others' ideas and willing to be influenced by others.
4. I treat people with respect.
5. I am able to influence others as a result of talking with them.
6. I have developed a reputation for integrity.
7. I treat all people fairly.
8. I say what I believe rather than what I think people want to hear.
9. I strive to behave consistently with my expressed beliefs and values.
10.I practice what I preach.
11.I focus on solving problems rather than blaming or hiding.
12.I admit my mistakes.
13.I deliver on promises and commitments.
14.I ask others for their opinions.
15.I listen to people's thoughts, feelings, and concerns, and am able to feel empathy.
16.I solicit feedback about my performance.
17.I acknowledge the contributions and worth of others.
18.When there is a problem, I work directly with those involved to resolve it.
19.I treat people consistently.
20.I follow through on the things I commit to do, even if it's not convenient for me.
Now, add up your scores and see where you land, below:
1-20 - Your ability to build trust is high
21-40 - Your ability to build trust is moderately high
41-60 - Your ability to build trust is moderate
61-80 - Your ability to build trust has room for improvement
81-100 - Your ability to build trust needs serious improvement
“Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.” --Stephen R. Covey
If your ability to build trust needs some work, take heart. We are talking about behavior--what you do, not who you are. Behaviors can be changed. If you would like to shift from being a trust breaker to a trust builder, here are some developmental tips to try:
Team up with an emotional intelligence coach to help you set goals and hold you accountable as you begin this journey.
Practice listening to others in a way that allows you to know what's on their minds and in their hearts.
Always deliver on your commitments. No excuses. If you are one who tends to promise then cancel --stop making the promises in the first place.
Be emotionally available to those around you -- share the things in your heart without stretching the truth to make yourself look good.
Never knowingly mislead or lie. If you catch yourself doing it -- stop and admit the truth. It's so very freeing and you'll find people respect you when you admit it in the moment.
Articulate your values to those around you and ask them if your actions match up.
Admit your mistakes without blame or shame.
Get in the habit of putting others' needs in front of your own.
Check to see if what you do in secret matches up to your public persona -- if not, in which arena are you not being true? Then ask yourself why. Just being aware of the gap is a good start to changing behaviors.
Forgive yourself of past mistakes. If you've spent a lifetime lying, it's never too late to come clean and make a fresh start.
The next time you find yourself in a situation where you're not sure if you should be honest or not -- keep this in mind:
“For every good reason there is to lie, there is a better reason to tell the truth.” -- Bo Bennett
Putting aside your patterns of lying, deceiving and hiding, and stepping into the brave new world of integrity will open up the doors of opportunity for stronger, healthier relationships. Yes, it's going to take some work and effort. It may feel uncomfortable to begin to let others truly know you. You may face rejection and at times, disappoint people. But though it's can be a difficult process to shift behaviors, it's worth it. Becoming someone others can trust will help you develop the connection, both at work and in your personal life, that you need and desire.
This topic is so very important for your overall health and longevity. Diet, exercise, hydration, even sunshine and sleep—it’s all connected. And one of the great results of living a healthy way of life. Taken care of properly, your body is less likely to experience illness. By maximizing those things that strengthen the body and minimizing the things that weaken the body, naturally you’ll be able to enjoy life at your greatest potential.
I’m not claiming that you’ll never feel under the weather, but I can state with confidence that your odds will be lower as your body’s immune system becomes stronger. The body is commonly underestimated when it comes to both prevention of illness and healing. We live in a society where often the first recourse is to turn to modern science, to depend on pharmaceuticals to fix what’s ailing us. But a body well taken care of has an extraordinary ability to take care of itself. Life-force created via lifestyle heals and is the body’s preferred remedy.
It’s important make a note here about cancer. Cancer prevention (and healing) is primarily about strengthening the immune system. Vitamin C (one of the essential antioxidants), as we know, is an amazing immune-system booster, reputed to be the most effective anti-cancer agent there is. Naturally this is what Infinity-C, a blend of superior high-vitamin C superfoods, is all about. Vitamin D is also a huge part of your immune system. It’s quite ironic that the correct amount of sunshine for vitamin D has proven to help with cancer recovery. (Of course too much sun should be avoided to prevent the opposite effect. This topic I cover extensively in Infinity Health Manual.) Note: part of why there is often compromise of the immune system during the winter is because we get less sunshine. This is why having additional vitamin C, beginning this time of year, is important.
Another important topic to address here is that the most common disease (I don’t like to word ‘disease’. Anything is curable; even broken genes.) of our modern world, is autoimmune disease. (I talk about this topic quite a bit in Infinity Health Manual. Autoimmune disease affects at least twenty-five million people in the United States. That’s eight percent of our population. And it’s rapidly increasing. As you may know autoimmune disease is when the immune system turns on and attacks the body itself. Besides allergies (the most common case), some of the more well-known strains include type-1 diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, multiple sclerosis, thyroid disease, asthma, eczema, psoriasis, and celiac. The common denominator is attack on the body by the immune system. The most common effect on the attacked area of the body is inflammation, the swelling of tissues, making it unreachable for nutrient rich blood that is trying to come to the rescue.
Just forty years ago, autoimmune disease was virtually non-existent. Interestingly, in third-world countries, it’s still virtually non-existent. It exists almost exclusively in developed countries. So what’s going on? The simple fact is, it’s greatly correlated with diet and lifestyle. Yes, in some cases it’s genetic, but still, various things can be implemented to fix even genes. That, we will talk about soon.
Mostly it’s about adding vital nutrients that recover the intelligence of the immune system (the immune system works hand-in-hand with the neurological system) while cutting the toxic junk out. Believe it or not, adding a few things to your diet and removing a few others is what most often saves the day. Remember there are two powerhouse nutrients that are the most vital to the immune system: vitamin C and vitamin D. Some might think boosting the immune system would be the exact wrong thing to do in the case of autoimmune disease, given the fact that the immune system is already attacking itself. But what you’re really doing is restoring your body’s instinctive healing wisdom. The intelligence of the immune system is truly awesome, and it does a lot more than just fighting colds.
Naturally, to boost the body’s immune powers, it’s vital to cut out the junk, and to let the body heal itself. By now, you can guess what the food culprits are: processed sugar, low-grade animal protein, cheap oils, flour, and similar heavily processed food. Another huge “junk” factor is toxic chemicals. Toxic household items like cleaners and air-fresheners are proven to weaken the immune system significantly. Unquestionably, these can be causatives, at least to some degree, and over time the wear and tear of these pollutants weakens the immune system.
Another culprit: antibacterial soap and hand sanitizers were originally intended to take on the role of your immune system. In December of 2013, the FDA questioned soap companies to address the potential risks of using such products daily. The active antibacterial ingredient has been proven to be toxic, and ironically weakens the immune system. On top of this, there’s no evidence that antibacterial soap products are any more effective at preventing illness than washing with plain soap and water. Finally, as of this writing, the FDA is working to ban these terrible soaps. Let’s allow the superior immune system to do its job!
And another: antibiotics and some vaccines are now linked to reduced immunity! What an irony! The data are real. These culprits kill the bad bacteria while also killing the good bacteria we need in order to maintain a healthy immune system. Antibiotics may play a role when the situation is desperate and life threatening. Even still, after utilized, there needs to be some follow-up damage control with a healing diet and lifestyle. Most important is replacing the intestinal flora that gets killed with the use of antibiotics. This is the role of a probiotic supplement (which is why it’s an important part of the Infinity Greens formula).
There’s another very important topic we need to address when it comes to maintaining a healthy immune system: stress. Stress is essentially anything that puts strain on the mind or body. This includes many things such as lack of sleep, anxiety, poor diet, anger, sadness, and guilt—essentially anything that makes us feel less at ease. The reality is that this is all naturally part of life to a degree.
Stress releases hormones like cortisol that, short term, aren’t such a big deal, as the body knows how to remedy this. But on a regular basis they create as much wear and tear as junk food. And ultimately stress makes the mind and body weaker. Believe it or not, stress is actually proven to be the primary source of all illness. The first thing stress weakens is the immune system, the body’s capability of protecting and restoring itself.
The idea here is how we handle stress, like taking action to remove the common stressful circumstances that come up in daily life. Another vitally important part of reducing the effects of stress is exercise, and more than most people realize. Here’s why: stress produces adrenaline. Adrenaline unused leaves the body weaker and the mind irritable and more vulnerable to low moods. So the idea is to “exorcise” the adrenaline, booting it out of the body to leave everything stronger at the end, including your natural ability to cope with stress in the future. The big picture here is to live a life that reduces the stressors and incorporates restorative anti-stress elements such as a healthy diet, time in the outdoors, exercise, esteem-building activities, and spending time with joyous companions.
With regard to any malady, a truly healthy lifestyle cannot be emphasized enough. The potential healing powers of the body are awesome. Truly. All we need to do is nurture it with diet, exercise, pure water, fresh air, and sunshine. And positive thinking, too! (Shoot, what does that one have to be so hard sometimes! Remember you’re not alone. And it’s part of what friends are for.) The magnificent life-force this can yield is the body’s preferred preventative of illness and remedy too.
Carl Sagan once wrote, “We were wanderers from the beginning”. As far as we know, this is true: our ancestors were nomads, crossing savannahs and jungles and forests, ever restless, in search of the next meal or friendlier climes. From the beginning, we were never entirely satisfied with our lot. The relentless push to civilization seems motivated by a single-minded desire for an ever-better life; one where at last we have beaten back the caprice of life to know happiness, satiation, and safety.
It is more than this: beyond the callings of our basic animal appetites, a deeper yearning seizes our hearts and minds. We want to know the world and our place within it. We want to understand this mysterious life, an inchoate hunger far more difficult to feed than an empty stomach. Perhaps it is in part borne of our social nature: a basic instinct to feel safe and certain through connection with something larger than ourselves. Perhaps it lies even deeper; with the arising of the human mind, the cosmos is expressing a need to behold and understand itself — a brilliant flash of sentience that illumines Indra’s Net, bearing witness to its glory.
Whatever the origins, we long to belong, and to understand. The nomadic spirit runs deep within us, we are restlessly in search of a home that seems ever to recede over the horizon, an elsewhere whose very appeal is its unattainability, its mystery, its promise of salvation and peace. The irony for this restless, curious wanderer is that we have always been home, and we have always belonged. Throughout history, we have had moments of insight that this deepest hope is true: that we are profoundly at home in the universe. This truth has never changed, but our yearning imagination has wandered far and wide, leaving our hearts heavy with anxiety, a nameless dissatisfaction with life.
For centuries we have seen ourselves as separate from Nature and pitted against her in a titanic and desperate struggle to dominate and survive. We are struggling heroically to awaken from this nightmare.
Though it is true that life is tenuous, the world often dangerous, there is no adversary Out There, only an internal struggle to embrace this life just as it is — beauty and ugliness, miracle and horror. It would appear to be a basic truth of our human psychology that when we fully recognize our Oneness with the world, something in us lets go. It is somehow impossible for us to be at war with the world when we see that the world is us and that we are it. Peace fills our hearts and we come forth changed beings, manifesting the miracle without the distortions of struggle. Life may remain difficult, but it is enchanted with new meaning — it is, in the words of Sǿren Kierkegaard, no longer “a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be lived”.
Yet although a few of us in each age set down the struggle, most of us do not. It is a core purpose in my life to pursue an end to the delusion of separation and to convey what meager understanding I achieve to others in the hope, however vain, that this Great Peace can spread itself more broadly among us in the coming years. It is my belief that the science of today tells a powerful story about our kinship with the whole of the world, revealing quite clearly that this restless nomad has wandered far and may wander much farther still, but has never, not even for a moment, left home.
No doubt about it, life can—and undoubtedly will—have its challenges. For a variety of reasons—some self-imposed, some not—there are bound to be times in your life when you experience some fairly undesirable situations.
In those circumstances, you may experience fear, sadness, disappointment, or anger. But believe it or not, underneath it all, there will also be . . . joy. Not joy in the typical sense of feeling elated in the moment, but the joy of your inner divine spirit. It's the kind of joy that embraces all of life and living . . . not just the peaceful parts.
Consider this: When you go to an amusement park, don’t you choose to go on the scary rides as well as the more pleasant ones? Why is that? Isn’t it because you feel fundamentally safe? And isn’t it the combination of those contrasting experiences that brings you pleasure—even joy?
So it is with your divine spirit. To your spirit, life is one big amusement park. And since your spirit is eternal and indestructible, it always feels safe enough to enjoy (to have joy in) the experience of life as a whole.
Are you experiencing some kind of stress or distress in your life right now? Then remember to take a moment to affirm who you truly are at the core of your being. In prayer and meditation, consciously connect with your inner divine essence—your eternal spirit—and get in touch with the unending joy that resides there. It’s the joy of just being alive and in the world. And it’s a joy that is there no matter what kind of ride you happen to be on.
What if you just showed up for yourself today? What if all it took to build the prosperity you crave was to be profoundly present in your own life, in your own body, in your own story? Do you have the courage to live with this depth of belief and authenticity, to be alive in the moment regardless of the risks?
It is safer to live in the past, ruminating, remembering, re-writing, and grieving, than it is to live in the present. The past is familiar territory; we know what will hurt and what we can rejoice in. We made that great play, or we missed the mark. We chose love or career or adventure, for good or bad, and we know how the story goes. There is safety in this predictability, even if it is painful.
It is easier to worry about the future, or to spin great stories in which we play the starring role, than it is to begin the work before us. Our dreams are safe, requiring no investment of energy or time. And we can blame our unfulfilled dreams on some vague past event that we label as a pivotal moment, spreading the blame across space and time and people. We can create amazing futures, but only from the present. We can learn from our past, but only when we are alive now. It is only in this moment that sensuality and love exist. It is only in the now that we can experience and build and create and grow. We are truly alive only in real-time, in the gift of this moment.
And when we have the courage to incarnate fully in the moment we have the power to create a prosperous reality. When we face our fears of being wonderful beings of light, when we are willing to release the wounds of the past, we will without effort find we have embraced our deepest truth and power. This is the home of love and manifestation, and the foundation for prosperity.
Love is the total giving of oneself without agenda; not asking for anything in return or holding anything back. Compassion, being one of the highest forms of love, is the understanding of lack of understanding in another being, as well as within ourselves. It allows for us to express loving kindness in the face of ignorance.
It has been said that the only problem we only ever have is ignorance. This is true. None of the harmful deeds us humans perform are born out of malice or ill will. They merely arise from a small and limited perspective of the true nature of reality.
Most individuals are trapped in the egoic illusion of lack and separation. The ego’s mantra is: I am not enough, and there is not enough. Caught in that misperception, an individual believes that the only way for them to be and have enough is to try to get it from the world. And so they move through life seeking worth and validation from the outside world. They live under the impression that they have to compete for it and to ultimately (hopefully) win it.
From this perspective, hurting or harming another individual, seems legitimate since life is a competition. Like the survival of the fittest if you will. This is the life in and with the ego.
Choice is a function of awareness
Now as we grow and unfold spiritually. As we mature. As we come into greater and greater insights, we realize that we live in a cosmos where there is only abundance and unity. There is only one Divine Whole. And nothing is ever separated from anything else.
As we realize this, we also begin to realize that when someone is in the grip of the ego, there is no need for blame or guilt. They are merely more or less temporarily unconscious.
From this higher perspective, we realize the futility of placing blame when someone does something we are triggered by. They are merely reacting that way because the lack they the understanding to act in any other way. They have merely gone unconscious, and we happen to be in the vicinity of them at that moment.
Much in the same way we don’t blame a small child for not yet having learned to read, ride a bike or not make a mess when eating. We realize that they are in the process of learning. In that process, they have only learned what they have learned in any given moment.
It is said that choice is a function of awareness. This means that in order to be able to make a choice - we need to be aware that we get to choose. If we are not aware that we have a choice then effectively cannot make that choice.
Compassion is the understanding of lack of understanding.
Compassion then, is the understanding of this. It is the understanding that when an individual reacts as oppose to responds, they do so merely because they are not aware of the options.
They are not aware that there is another way. That they can choose to respond to a situation or circumstance with love rather than fear, worry or doubt. Obviously the same goes for us.
The best response to any situation, any circumstance, any individual is that of love and compassion.
Choose love and compassion over fear, worry, and doubt.
And so, whenever we are faced with the ignorance or unconsciousness of another individual – we may gently remind ourselves that it has nothing to do with us. We need not ever take it personally. At this moment they are merely unconscious. And we just happened to be there to witness and experience it.
We may also remind ourselves that all is working for our good. As we encounter an unconscious individual, we get to practice being loving and compassionate. In other words, it is a great blessing in terms of growth and unfolding.
And so, rather than placing blame and guilt, playing out the victim card as to being the victim of another’s harmful actions - we may choose to pray for and bless them. We may choose to pray for their wellbeing, for their peace of mind. We may call forth the perfect and Divine health that resides within each being. We may choose to take on the perspective that they too are on a journey and that they too, in the process of waking up, of learning - are exactly where they need to be.
This is compassion. This is loving kindness in action. Praying, blessing and wishing someone well - even when what they did or did not do, may seem harmful and hurtful.
The Love of God dwells within each of us, we merely need to become aware of it and choose it.
Daniel Roquéo is a freelance writer and founder of The Love & Light Store.
He helps individuals, entrepreneurs and businesses do what they may not have the time, inspiration or the skills to do for themselves. Bringing their passions to life through the written word.
It is natural and fundamental for living beings to want to be happy, healthy, and free from suffering. Life would not have persisted for nearly four billion years were living things not motivated to, and reasonably good at, seeking favorable circumstances and avoiding unfavorable ones.
When you consider much of what people do in our day-to-day lives, it is mostly in service of meeting our needs for food, clothing, shelter, and a sense of safety, satisfaction, and happiness. We don’t necessarily awaken each morning and say to ourselves how much we hope it’s swamped at the office, or that traffic will be absolutely gridlocked, or maybe we’ll get into a car accident so we can practice with being grateful for the time we have.
Yet we know, despite our deepest desires for how our life will be, that all sorts of things can happen, and many of them range from a little annoying to utterly devastating. Our children can become addicted to the painkillers in our cabinet the dentist prescribed us last year. We can get laid off from our jobs. We can be raped or mugged or murdered or diagnosed with untreatable cancer. We can be vegetarian, alcohol, tobacco and drug-free, run marathons, and still, have a heart attack at age 60. As the old saying goes, people make plans, and God laughs.
When trouble comes, we all get through it one way or another, sometimes more gracefully than others, always hoping to get back and remain in calm seas for smooth sailing. Then something else comes along: the flu, a torn meniscus, a child who develops asthma or depression. It will never remain smooth sailing for long; that’s just not how life works. And yet, somehow, we keep hoping that life will be something other than what it is.
It sounds crazy. Maybe it is. It seems human aspirations are doomed to be awkwardly incompatible with the vicissitudes of life. Indeed, in most if not all of us, there is an undercurrent of dis-ease, a fear about what is to come, that the moment of something terrible happening might be in our future, and not just someone else's whom we read about in the news. So, what to do?
About twenty-five centuries ago, a man named Siddhartha Gautama, better known as the Buddha, left home in search of a resolution to human suffering. After many years of searching, of trying many different things, and close to death and despair from neglecting his physical health and making little progress towards his goal, he had a breakthrough when he simply let go and let the storms in his mind be as they were. He settled more and more deeply into his pure, conscious awareness of all of his sensations, thoughts, and feelings. What he discovered was that human beings suffer when we want life to be different from how it is.
But it's not the desire per se: it's our attachment to it, our belief that our beliefs about how life should be or could be, are more important than how life actually is. This, of course, is foolish. It's not that we have no control over our lives and circumstances, it's that that control is forever limited, and many things will happen that we do not expect, and perhaps do not want.
Yet what he also discovered is that if we can detach from that belief that our wishes are more important than reality, we can begin to find real peace.
The key lies in our conscious awareness. The more we identify with and rest in our awareness, the more we can just be with the truth of how things are in this moment, the more a kind of magic starts to work on us.
We naturally let go of a struggle with life that is deeper and subtler than we ever imagined. We may never want to be sick or hurt or die but are no longer ill-at-ease with the difficult truths of life. It is analogous to someone who is so unfit that they cannot climb a flight of stairs without getting seriously out of breath, who then slowly begins to exercise, a little more with every passing week, until perhaps a year later, they are able to run a marathon. Their body naturally transforms by being more and more active.
So it is with a meditation practice where we simply rest ever more deeply in our awareness of what is. In doing so, we find well-being that is beyond sickness and health, beyond happiness and sorrow, beyond birth and death.
In some sense, finding this power within us changes nothing: we can still dream and plan, take care of our bodies and minds with healthy food, exercise, and rest and relaxation. We still take care of others. In another sense, it changes everything, because it transforms our relationship with every aspect of our lives, and frees us to do all of these things with greater presence, love, and patience.
Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood was a television program that was on public television for 50 years. Which is a good example of leaving the world a better place. But the important thing Mr. Rogers said to the children was “This program is make believe. Make believe is fun but it is not real. It is important that you know the difference between realities and make believe.” Many people have not learned the difference. Take the message of the Christian God.
It all starts with the Bible. Read Bart Ehrman’s book Misquoting Jesus to see a razor sharp clarification of how we got the book called The Bible. There are many people who swear it is the infallible and inerrant word of God. Some add “In the original texts.” There are no original texts. And it is the infallible and inerrant word of God because they believe it is, not because it is. But it is your challenge to find out what the real truth is about God. The intensity of a person’s belief does not increase the truthfulness his argument. That is the main thing to be weary of. People who, for whatever reason, claim that God is real and alive in their lives elevate their personal experience to be a fact of life for all, are in error. He may be. But that experience is personal to the believer. It cannot be transferred. Think of a beautiful sunset or sunrise. You cannot replicate that experience in words, logic, song, or force in another human being to have that same experience and you cannot replicate a personal experience with God either.
The force and the duty to replicate the experience is strong. Parents raise their children in obedience to the dictates of their religion. And as George Orwell wrote, “One cannot appreciate the naiveté of a child to believe what an older person is telling them is the truth.” That places us in Aristotle’s plight who said, “It is easier to teach a man who is ignorant than one in error. The ignorant man can hear the truth you have spoken, but the man in error must first be convinced that what he believed to be true is in fact false, before he can accept the truth.” That is why you will have a hard time finding the truth. What you believe about everything is probably false or incomplete. But have a teachable spirit and a humble attitude and it will make your path smoother.
Now here is the question, “Is God a fact in human existence?” How do you answer that question? Do you first have to believe he is a fact in order to believe he is real? Or do you have to believe there is a God before you can make him a fact if your life. Or do you have to have a personal experience that causes you to believe God intervened miraculously in your life in order to make God a fact in your life. My study indicates all three, and probably more, have proved God is real. But it is a personal experience that does not establish God as a fact for another who has not had a personal belief experience. It follows then, for any person to say, “My belief is more accurate than your belief,” is wrong. If God is an infinite reality, human knowledge begins and ends in the senses. Infinite things cannot be sensed-only believed to exist. Therefore, human knowledge cannot have certain knowledge about God. That is why people who speak with certainty about God are not to be believed.
But the pride of man is limitless. And nearly everyone who believes speaks with authority about the reality of God. Why they are not satisfied to believe themselves and leave everybody alone I don’t know. You have to know what you know and why you know it. Be comfortable in your own skin. All of the world’s religions are directed toward Love. The issue here on earth is to learn how to love through the ages. We need, we all need, to learn the definition of love that can stand for all humankind. Forget about the dogma your religion has taught you. Forget about the rituals your dogma has taught you. The motivation to Love has a new and different definition.
Love is the deep abiding gratitude for and appreciation of the object loved. If we can all do that we will fulfill the admonitions of the world’s religions.
** Mr. McGrath is an author, father and grandfather. A retired marine pilot, lawyer, college professor, college president, bank president, and consultant.
