WE ALL WANT TO BE HAPPY AND PEACEFUL

These are some of my favorite passages in “Healing The Heart And Mind With Mindfulness. Ancient Path, Present Moment” by Malcolm Huxter

 

—  Some of us live with great psychological freedom, at case and with joy. For many, however, it is not easy being human. Most of us find the realities of ageing, sickness and death difficult to bear. We often don't get what we want, get what we don't want, and are parted from people or things that arc dear to us. Many of us experience intense mental or emotional distress. This may take the form of hopelessness, des-pair, anguish, anxiety, depression, grief, sadness, dread, worry, panic, frustration, confusion, exasperation, shame, harsh self-criticism, rage, terror, loneliness, boredom, humiliation, embarrassment, guilt, or an overwhelming sense of meaningless. We may also feel uncomfortable with less intense feelings such as alienation, irritation, annoyance, ungratified cravings, uncertainties and insecurities. For those fortunate enough to have a comfortable life there may be a subtle dis-content that holidays or weekends must all come to an end and that pleasant experiences do not last.

The difficult experiences described above can all be referred to as dukkha. The word dukkha comes from an ancient Indian language called Pali. Dukkha is often translated as suffering but the word 'suffering' does not fully capture the meaning of dukkha. The `duk' of dukkha refers to not being quite right, not good. The `kha' refers to the space of the hub of a wheel. Dukkha literally translates as a badly fitting axle in a wheel.

This description of dukkha as a 'difficult grind' or a 'wobbly wheel' is probably best understood as unsatisfactoriness. Dukkha includes a wide spectrum of experience, from the intense and traumatic to the very subtle, and is a part of life. Being human involves the reality of dukkha. We differ only in the degree and intensity of our experience. Those people who are suffering with what our society calls mental disorder arc merely at a more intense position of the dukkha spectrum. Nobody wants or aspires to dukkha. We all want to be happy.

I have worked as a psychologist for well over 20 years and every person I have met in my professional capacity has wanted to be happy. Every individual has been presented with some form of dukkha and they have all wanted to be free from it. They have all aspired to psychological freedom. Mindfulness is a practice that can help individuals find relief and freedom from dukkha. One way of describing mindfulness is: remembering to be attentive to present moment experience with care and wise discernment.

I became interested in mindfulness and related practices when I was a teenager. In 1974 I was 18 years old and I wanted to be happy. I worried about the Vietnam war, the nuclear threat, the pollution of the planet, my health, and the fact that I would, sometimes or other die. I was a worrier. I discovered that if I thought things through realistically and I avoided intentionally harming myself or others it seemed to help with my worries and concerns. Attending art school and also traveling throughout Australia and nearby Southeast Asia I met with people from different cultures and learned about different philosophies and ideas and was introduced to Buddhism. I started attending Tibetan Buddhist meditation retreats in 1975. Meeting Tibetan meditation masters had a profound effect on my perception of the world and myself. The teachers of these retreats were masters of many skills including logic and reason. Thinking clearly was one way I learned to deal with the many challenges of life and late adolescence. There were times, however, when reason and logic did not help. Nonetheless, I persisted. One day when I was reasoning my way through a worry, I heard the sound of a bird. The sound was so beautiful that it completely absorbed all my attention. I noticed the subtle nuances and the changing qualities of these notes of life, and peacefulness arose in my heart. The peace did not last, of course, but from this experience, I developed confidence that release from worry was possible.

In 1976 I met an English-born Theravada Buddhist monk (Ven. Khantipalo) who reinforced my understanding that through mindfulness and present centred awareness I need not get lost in worry and rumination. From then on I aspired to psychological freedom and this became my most important desire and life direction. Not only could mindfulness lead to personal freedom but it could also provide the presence and clarity of mind to most effectively negotiate and deal with concrete problems in the world. I decided to ordain as a Buddhist monk in 1977. I travelled to Thailand and practiced in the Theravada traditions of North-East Thailand. The monastic life was intense and involved training in an ethical lifestyle, the cultivation of attention, mindfulness, and the development of wisdom. The experience of being a monk left a lasting impression on me and gave me a perspective on life where ethics, mindfulness and wisdom were essential on the path to psychological freedom.

When I returned to Australia two years later I trained and worked as a Shiatsu therapist. Shiatsu is a body therapy based on working with Chi or energy meridian systems as utilized in traditional Chinese and Japanese medicine. Working as a Shiatsu therapist and trainer provided an opportunity to cultivate compassion and mindfulness, a livelihood aligned with my life goals and aspirations. I worked with many individuals presenting with a wide range of physical, emotional and mental conditions. In my work as a body therapist, it became evident that non-cognitive, non-talking body-oriented therapy could resolve many mental and emotional problems. Part of this healing seemed related to how body therapies encouraged present centered awareness. I didn't learn about contemporary psychological approaches such as Behavior Therapy (BT), Cognitive Therapy (CT) or Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) until I began university in the mid-1980s. Though lacking any overt reference to ethics many of the principles described in these contemporary approaches seemed very similar to some of those I had learnt in both Tibetan (Mahayana) and Theravada Buddhist traditions.

I began working as a psychologist and developing mindfulness programs in 1991. At this time mindfulness and meditation were not yet understood or accepted within mainstream health settings so the programs I developed and ran were referred to as 'stress management programs. By the late 1990s, some mindfulness-based therapies were gaining credibility as supported by scientific evidence. By the end of the first decade of the twenty-first century, many contemporary psychotherapeutic approaches referred to mindfulness as a key therapeutic factor. These approaches were coined the 'third wave' therapies by one prominent psychologist because he thought they had advanced in many different ways from the earlier conventional practices of BT and CBT (Hayes, 2004). Mindfulness has become increasingly popular in contemporary psychology in the last 20 years and now there are many different third wave therapies. The foundational third wave therapies include: Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction or MBSR (Kabat-Zinn, 1990), Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy or MBCT (Segal, Williams and Teasdale, 2002), Dialectical Behavior Therapy or DBT (Linehan, 1993) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy or ACT (Hayes, Strosahl and Wilson, 1999).

Currently, mindfulness is regarded as a meditation practice, a coping skill, a mode of being, and a key factor in therapy. It is both a therapeutic stance used by therapists and a skill that can be taught to individuals seeking treatment, therapy, life coaching, and stress management. Mindfulness can be learned individually or within-group settings and is not limited to any one particular mental, emotional or spiritual approach. In the fields of health, therapy, and neuropsychology, the overwhelming evidence is accumulating to suggest that learning mindfulness and related practices improve health and wellbeing.

In its adaptations to Western health services mindfulness has had to, understandably, be free from many of the religious and cultural additions these teachings had acquired over the centuries. The ways that third wave therapies frame and teach mindfulness are different from the ways in which I learned these skills in a traditional Buddhist setting. Nonetheless, I am enormously grateful to the research practitioners and third-wave therapists who have served to make mindfulness and related practices a validated approach to mental and emotional health and wellbeing. I also appreciate the ways in which they have creatively explained and taught these skills and related concepts to our Western culture. Without these adaptations, mindfulness may not have emerged from the domains of Eastern religions and gained credibility in contemporary psychology. I have used many of the strategies and ideas developed by the third wave therapies to great benefit. In this book, I integrate the benefits of contemporary psychology and ancient Buddhist psychology.

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BODY LANGUAGE AND GAINING ADDITIONAL AWARENESS

These are some of my favorite passages in “Give Back the Pain: Emotional Healing Through Source Completion Therapy” by Dr. Robert Bleck

 

— The effects of stored stress on our human bodies has been well researched, documented, and acknowledged.

Stashed tension has been proved to gnaw away at our internal organs causing such ailments as headaches, backaches, muscle tightness, gastrointestinal discomforts, and high blood pressure. Some current research has even pointed to stress as a factor in arthritis, heart disease and cancer. So, stuffed feelings not only result in torturous diversionary behavior, but may take a physical toll on us as well. When that occurs we often panic, scramble to doctors, seek out remedies in an effort to quiet the shouting of our bodies. However, by that time it may be too late to reverse the physical damage. We would be wise to listen to the subtle whispers, clues and messages our body is saying long before hidden feelings cause us injury.

As with dreams, in its effort to release unresolved feelings, our subconscious is trying to penetrate our stubborn conscious by communicating through our bodies. Through the subtle dialogue of our body we can achieve tremendous cognizance of what lies within us.

Each Saturday morning for the last three years, 34-year-old Mark awoke with a choking lump in his throat and his legs trembling uncontrollably. Visitations to doctors proved fruitless and frustrating, since they could find no physical reasons for his Saturday morning afflictions. Deciding “it was time to get to the bottom of this,” Mark entered SCT and began his journey into awareness ...

It was Saturday morning and the chattering of the birds served as little Mark’s alarm clock. His tiny legs shook with anticipation as his father walked into the room. Reaching out his hand, Mark’s dad signaled that it was time for their weekly walk. As Mark’s little fingers were swallowed up by the strength and size of his father’s hand, he felt enveloped with love. Hand in hand they marched off to the corner coffee shop for their special Saturday breakfast.

He loved the shop and felt so comfortable there. It was one of those homey little luncheonettes that peppered the streets of New York. When they arrived Mark knew that they would be warmly welcomed by the owner and the regular customers. Mark loved the attention and was proud to be with his father.

As soon as they opened the door the lovely smell of frying bacon filled Mark’s head. Immediately, he dashed to the counter where he could see the cook at work. Swivelling the top of the anchored stool to get a clear view of the grill, Mark watched the eggs bubble and the bacon shrink. That made him hungry.

Today was the only day of the week he could eat anything he wanted. So, he always chose to start with his favorite, a vanilla milk shake. The owner would pour the ingredients in a wide-mouth chrome cup and place it under a huge green and silver mixer. As the blades whirred, Mark wet his lips in anticipation. When the blending was complete, the owner placed a glass on the counter and poured in the delicious mixture from the cup. Since the blending cup held more than the glass, the owner left the extra for Mark to enjoy. Beaming, Mark knew that he would be able to polish off exactly 2½ glasses of this luscious drink. Saturdays were truly special. Mark had everything he could want; his loving father, his favorite drink, and a lifetime of fun to look forward to.

When Mark was 10 years old, his father died unexpectedly from a heart attack. Special Saturday breakfasts were no more, and Mark’s sweet world was shattered. After the death of his father, the singing of the birds never seemed to reach his ears ... At age 34, when Mark sought the source for his trembling legs and knotted throat, I asked him to listen closely to his body. As I asked him “What are your legs and throat saying?—What are they trying to tell you?” Mark began to hear the messages clearly.

“When my dad died I saw how crushed my mother and sister were. I tried to be strong for them. I cried just a trickle at the funeral, and did my best to keep back my tears and be a comfort for them. I now realize that I never gave myself the opportunity to grieve for my dad. Although I missed him terribly, I never allowed my tears to flow. So, as each Saturday, the day of the week I spent with my father, approached, my tears would accumulate as this ball in the back of my throat. My shaking legs spoke of their desire for the Saturday morning breakfast walk, and their inability to make such past pleasures possible. I know now that I must deal with the loss of my father, which occurred over 20 years ago.” Mark listened to his subconscious through the messages he received in his body. Becoming aware of the hurts he never grieved, Mark allowed himself to purge his stored tears, and fully mourn the death of his father. Although still pleased by the fond memories he has of his dad, Mark’s legs no longer shake and the lump in his throat is gone. Best of all, according to Mark, “I once again hear the sweet singing of the birds.”

If your body consistently exhibits movements or gestures that go beyond its normal functioning needs, talk to it. Ask the parts what they’re saying. Although you may not get immediate answers, perseverance will certainly increase your chances of gaining additional awareness…

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SUFFERING IS A CHOICE

These are some of my favorite passages in “Rise Up and Awaken to the Joy of Being Human.” by Keira Poulsen.

 

— For as long as I can remember, I have always felt like I do not belong. Religion, friend groups, school... you name it; I always felt like an outsider. Upon reflection, I think this Earth has made me feel that I don't belong.

Human life has had its challenges for me. There was childhood abuse. I was born with really big ears that stuck out. I was super creative and highly sensitive. I could feel other people's emotions and that made me want to be alone. I had many spiritual gifts that I was unaware of, which made human life uncomfortable.

But the paradox is that despite all this, I have loved life on this planet. I have always found joy in the smallest moments in life. The leaves fluttering in the wind can bubble up joy from my heart. The views of the sunrise and the sunset can fill my soul with excitement. A cow grazing in a pasture can rouse feelings of peace and tender gratitude.

The truth is that human life is a paradox. It is truly one of the most extraordinary experiences to have. We have been blessed with senses that activate pleasure and joy in our beings. As humans, we have the ability to connect to others and to feel love. joy is the basis of human existence. I believe that joy is our inherent birthright.

And... human existence is smothered in pain. There is abuse, addiction, isolation, and suffering. Disconnection is rampant, as suffering pulls you inside yourself and disconnects you from those around you. Addiction is the numbing agent used for the pain. Abuse is tied into the generational patterns that have been tethered to our cells. Isolation is the coping mechanism to shut out the suffering of others and is the hope of protection.

These are all real. And...they are here, even among the joy. The pain and the joy; they can't be separated. They beautifully balance out each other. The pain deepens your feelings of joy.

Without the pain, joy would cease to be novel. As a constant feeling, it would become monotonous. Uneventful and boring.

Joy is the relief from pain. It is the light that pours through our beings and activates hope, happiness, and love.

There is a need for both. There would be no light if there was no darkness. The contrast is what makes the other real. It is from this context that I am writing this book for you. I hold pain and joy in reverence. They are sacred. They make us experience life in its grandest and most abundant ways. It is suffering that clouds our minds and, perhaps, stunts our growth. Suffering is not needed. And yet... for most people, it is where they spend their days. Suffering is a choice. Pain is necessary for growth, contrast, and healing. Suffering will only mask your gifts and delete your joy.

Suffering DELETES joy.

But, very few of us have been taught that you choose to suffer. Instead, it is a way of being, having been passed down through the generations.

Suffering is accepted in society as a way of life.

It is taught that it is fine to suffer, to be unhappy, to be cynical, afraid, guarded, and full of complaints.

How many times do you talk to someone on the phone with all these flavors of suffering dominant in the conversation?

Why is it more common to hear complaints and unhappiness rather than the joyful and magical things that are occurring in their life?

Sadly, suffering is what is accepted.

The joy and magic are rejected.

If you were to share the magic of the sunrise and the joy you felt as you planted seeds on a particular day, with everyone you talked to that day... you, probably, won't be received well. Would you feel accepted, if you were to tell your friend about the joy you felt when your favorite song came up on the radio, or that you felt deep joy as you rocked your baby to sleep that morning? These are just not acceptable conversations in our world.

But, if you were to complain about your marriage, your kids, or your job... you would be received with open arms and yes, the other party would present a bunch of their own complaints.

Misery attracts company.

And at some level, this has become our society's way of acceptable conversations.

During this year of 2020, this has become more apparent than ever. Sharing positive and happy things have felt out of place, and they have not been easily received by others.

Sharing your suffering, though, has been wildly accepted, and you are part of the majority. If you jump in and share your suffering, you feel as though you belong! You are invited to join this popular group of suffering and unhappiness.

Why do we join in? Suffering isn't desired. But belonging is. We all want to feel as though we belong. It is an innate desire. I have heard it described as our tribal feelings. Look at our ancestors' lives: they had to belong, or they would be kicked out from their tribe. I agree with this theory. And I also believe it is rooted in our desire for connection.

Connection is our lifeblood. It is what we ache for. Connection is what makes us human! And the idea of being disconnected and not belonging is scarier than anything else.

And so, we suffer to belong. But what if I told you that suffering was only an illusion? An illusion that seems so realistic, most people believe it to be as true as the arm on their body.

It is my belief that each one of us were prepared to belong here. We were prepared with unique gifts, talents, and high sensitivities, which were designed to help humanity at the time we came to live.

And the illusion of suffering is the foremost tool to hijack you on your path. It can literally stop you in your tracks and keep you stunted.

Suffering is what will cover your spiritual eyes, dumb down your gifts, and plague your life with unhappiness and dead ends.

Suffering wipes out joy. The good news is... suffering is purely a choice. You have the right to choose if you want to jump into this illusion of suffering, or if you want to remove it from your body and instead choose joy. This workbook is designed to help you remember joy. And that is simply it. We came here knowing joy. We came to this Earth embodied with joy. And somewhere along the journey, we forgot it. We forgot how easy joy is. All we need to do is simply remember what we have always known. We know joy. It is at the origin of our existence. Joy is our divine birthright.

I have learned of some simple tools, which will begin to heighten your awareness of joy. I believe if you commit to working through this workbook, you will awaken a remembrance inside of you, which activates JOY. I believe that when you start experiencing more joy, your deep longing to belong will start fading away because the remembrance of your gifts and purpose will start to rise.

As your purpose begins to sprout forward, nourished by your joy; you will remember that you do indeed belong.

You belong here because you were prepared to be here. You have gifts, which this world needs. And as you begin to share your gifts, your whole being will radiate with fulfillment and joy.

You, my friend, belong here.

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SPIRITUAL LIGHT: ILLUMINATING OUR REALITY

These are some of my favorite passages in “Spiritual Reality: Transforming the Ordinary into the Extraordinary” by Lydia A. Mitchell, Ph.D.

 

Unconditional love is usually associated with spirit. We are generally considered too weak or are considered to be sinners, and so we are not capable of unconditional love. Maybe it is the definition, and not us?

We hear about unconditional love in many different forms.

— It is something that parents are expected to have for their children.

— Sometimes it can be used to inspire guilt by others or in ourselves.

— Sometimes it can be used to make us do something that we do not want to do, or we do not think it is appropriate for us.

— It can also be a goal that we wish to attain.

Few people will admit to having unconditional love. It does mean different things to different people. For me, unconditional love is being able to see others and accept who they are, without wanting to change them and without judgment. It is honoring the choices they have made in their lives and for their souls’ purpose. We cannot know why they are doing and choosing what they have. It involves letting them make the choices in their lives without judgment.

Helping those you love unconditionally without judgment or feeling sorry for them gives them the freedom to carry out their paths knowing they are loved. You are honoring and empowering them.

There is a saying that you become what you judge. A personal experience with regard to this brought the saying home to me in a loud and clear way. It happened when I was a postdoctoral student in Scripps Research Clinic in California. I had a running partner, and we would run in Torrey Pines along the cliffs paths at lunchtime. He had diabetes and had to inject himself every day. Occasionally we would have lunch after the run, and he would get a hot dog. At this point in my life, I was training for a triathlon and was food conscious. I was horrified that he would eat hot dogs with his medical condition. I was judging his food choices. However, I noticed that I started to crave hot dogs—and I started eating them. I could not understand why until I connected the judgment I had of him and his food choices. To this day, I still have a weakness for hot dogs. So be careful what you judge, because you may end up being just that!

When you help others while judging them, you are loving them conditionally. The condition is that they would be better with your view of how they should be. You are fulfilling your own beliefs and needs. You cannot know what another soul needs to learn and grow. You can simply love them as they are and help them when they indicate that they want the assistance.

Spirit has given us this unconditional love. The greatest gift we have is freedom. We are free to do as we choose. God has let us face the consequences of our choices. We in turn grow and experience life to its fullest. True, we are likely missing some of the information that connects us to spirit, however that will come with our growth and development.

— When we look at the significance of spirit in the physical world, it is a different story. We have enough to be happy and grow. Let me explain. When you see the physical world through a spiritual light, you illuminate many more possibilities of feeling complete without the need for more and more physical toys. You start to see that you have what you need to develop and grow. If you feel incomplete, you can ask for assistance. The assistance can come from a physical as well as spiritual connection of all the things around you. It expands your horizons to see a depth in the world. This depth is not evident in a purely physical interpretation of the world.

You become clearer in what it is you need. When you look around you from a spiritual aspect, it becomes obvious that you have exactly what you need. You can want something else. When you come from a spiritual reality perspective, it is a want that brings pleasure to a being that is coming from completion, rather than from lack. You can develop and grow with what you have in your life as is, or you can have more physical things. You can also expand in a spiritual and material way, coming from your connection with spirit and all that is.

From a spiritual perspective, you have faith that you will get what you need in the physical world when it is appropriate. This faith carries you through times that may appear to be problematic. Take the example of an event not happening. This is a thwarted expectation. Thwarted expectations are usually the biggest upset for people. My experience has consistently been that if I have a thwarted expectation of an event not taking place, it is for the best in the long run.

I had a holiday in Wales that I loved. Traveling by rented car was challenging due to dealing with the traffic, road signs, narrow roads, and roundabouts. I did not have a GPS at the time. My idea of being a tourist is to walk in a park or on the beach and see a few castles and sights.

I decided to branch out and go to Big Pit, an old coal mine. The trip was a disaster. There was hours of congested traffic. Bear in mind that I lived in the quiet Patagonia area of Chile, and I was not used to a lot of traffic. In the end, I was too late to see the Big Pit; I had to drive back with my goal unmet and much frustration.

Then on the way back, I simply let go. I stopped at a lovely, quiet lake with only a few people and pets enjoying the scenery. I realized that I would not make another trip like that on my holiday. I had learned where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do with my time. The hours of frustration and traffic became a constructive learning experience for my holiday. No experience need ever be wasted.

There is always something you can learn about yourself and what you are choosing. Life is a blessing when looked at in this light. Everything and every experience is of value. If you do not like what is happening, transform it into something that you do like. Also, give time and space a chance to transform the situation.

Think about your own life. I am sure you will find many cases where missing out on something resulted in the final analysis to be for the best. This is something you need to remind yourself of when you are upset over thwarted expectations. You never know for sure the real outcome till time has passed. Keeping in mind that what happens to you is for the best and highest in spiritual terms helps bring perspective to missed opportunities.

— When you come from a viewpoint that all is as it should be, the scenery in your life looks different. It is clearer, relaxed, and more appreciative of what you have. You can see where you want to go. You can appreciate what you have and learn from others. This is a form of declaration. You declare that all is as it should be. As the creator of your life, you are the only one who can declare it so.

With this declaration, you can more forward to observe, enjoy, and learn from your life on a different level.

You can be grateful for coincidences that appear in life and take note of what they are showing you. The coincidences can be as simple as meeting a friend you were thinking about and had not seen for months. Then suddenly, the person is in front of you on a crowded street in the middle of town. It can also be more complex, involving different people and situations. I moved from Australia to San Diego, California. One night I went out with friends and met an old acquaintance from Australia who had recently moved to San Diego. San Diego is a big city a continent away from Australia, and yet we met again and continued our friendship, which had lapsed due to distance and time. The coincidences that can appear in your life are amazing when you start to look for them and appreciate them.

You begin to appreciate that what you need will flow to you, even when you do not directly ask for it. It may be a need that is there, but on a subconscious level. So too with physical objects: they will come to you with time, when you allow it. If a physical object does not manifest, ask yourself whether it is something you really needed. Let go of wanting it and see what happens. Will it come into your sphere, or will you decide that it is something you really did not need now? You still may want that new TV, but on the other hand you can live happily without it. Life is less focused on the physical needs and more on the internal and spiritual needs that bring joy to your life.

This gives you a greater sense of connection rather than isolation, which so much technology fosters. Yes, Facebook connects people, as does the Internet, and they can be wonderful. However, it is a connection devoid of direct human contact and expression. It is hard to look the person in the eyes and see their feelings. There is less likelihood of reading between the lines of a person’s response. When you are face-to-face, it is easier to read the energy emanating from a person.

On the other hand, one could argue that in the future, technology will force us to use our intuition and connection with spirit more, in order to go to the heart of the person on the other end of the computer. We will be forced to go to an even greater spiritual understanding in order to bridge the physical and technological distance.

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AWARENESS IS THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE

These are some of my favorite passages in “The Inmate and the Medium: A True Story About Loss, Love and Freedom” by Tammy De Mirza

 

— What we think we are doing is not what we are doing!

One of the biggest challenges in our lives is getting to the truth of what is going on, rather than what we want to believe. I have met people who believe they are behaving a certain way or having certain life experiences, only to have me dispel every one of their beliefs and tell the truth about their lives. That was the work I did with Phil.

I have told many clients that they are doing something that is not beneficial, only to have them get angry, raise their voices, and try to convince me otherwise. I tell them, “Oh yes? You did this twice this morning, once while you were spreading jelly on your toast and then again while you were driving. Your phone rang, and you said it to your friend.” They will be in shock and unsure what to say; some laugh, and others cower, knowing they have been seen and cannot hide. Neither God nor I ever intend to expose them; we want to help them understand what their patterns or thoughts are and how they affect them. Awareness is the only way you can change your life; you cannot change what you are not aware of! My work is about helping people become aware.

People are scared and have strong reactions when they know they have been discovered in this way. Either they are open and want the truth, or they fight it because it is all they know. I have learned that those who are hungry enough run to the truth, even if it hurts when they hear it. It is wild to be able to know the intricacies of one’s life. It is not easy breaking up people’s paradigms, because that is who they think they are. However, once the truth is revealed, the truth is the only thing that will set them free.

This is the best way for me to explain the work I was doing with Phil. I was also doing my own work, suffering my own dis-ease of the mind, going through my own process of revelations of truth. I was following the recipe God gave me when I was fifteen and was becoming proficient at working through it. I would take my time, grieve, cry, feel the pain, knowing that once I embraced the truth for myself, I could forgive, heal, and choose again. I saw the beauty and benefit in doing the work within. Things opened, my mind became clearer, and information flooded in.

With time, and thanks to Phil, I became comfortable with information I previously did not want to give. I learned not to withhold information and to trust; God knows best in all situations. I was not to question it, but allow myself to be the messenger. It was not my decision to decide who gets what; I was the conduit, and I could not judge what felt good to or might hurt the person for whom I was reading. I was obligated to give them the truth, because that was the only way to freedom, the only way home.

I continued to work with Phil day after day we could visit in prison. In May, we had decided seeing each other for four or five days each month was not enough, and I started visiting him twice a week, on Monday and Friday. In the prison at that time, inmates only had nine points; weekdays were one point, and weekends were three points.

In the middle of this intense work, Tom asked me if little Sophie could live with him permanently. I knew something about this was right, but it was a very difficult and painful decision to give her away. She had been my baby, and my love for her had not waned in the months I had been away. I gave her to him. He explained that on the occasions I came for a visit, she would be down for days, hurting after I left. She had communicated to me many times when I was crying over her loss that Tom needed her more than I did, and it was okay, she was happy.

Another great example of the work I did with Phil—to break down the idols he’d built because it was easier to believe in them rather than the actual truth—centered around his concept of people loving him and their roles in his life.

You cannot possibly know the higher wisdom of why a person is in your life until you can see the truth about the relationship. People are not typically in your lives for the reasons most of you think they are. They are there to assist with your growth or to serve as your nemeses. Once that truth is revealed, you will know why those people are in your life and can then honor their role, instead of becoming hurt, judgmental, or confused.

I learned this lesson the hard way with my own mother. I wanted her to love me in a certain way. I wanted her to be different, and when I finally asked God why she was who she was in my life, He told me to honor her “real” purpose, which was far greater than I knew. He taught me that I had to let go of my need to get something from her. I then asked God to show me the real reason she was in my life, how she was to contribute. It was a difficult but beautiful process of understanding the differences between what I wanted her to be and her real role, to admit the truth about what I had done with her role, which changed her ability to assist me. It set me free. I wasn’t asking Phil to face or do something I did not have the courage to do or face myself. I was sharing my experiences with him and the benefits of doing the work within.

This was true about the girlfriends, family, friends, and associates in Phil’s life. These people would line up in front of me, (whether they were alive or had transitioned), and give me details about their roles in Phil’s life—what they were, how Phil perceived them, and then the actual truth. Sean started this process, and it continued with others.

I would describe the people and alter Phil’s perception about who they were, so we could get to the beautiful truth of using and honoring them in spiritual ways. We worked through a lot of forgiveness opportunities.

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ECSTASY IS ESSENTIALLY A SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE

These are some of my favorite passages in “The Ecstatic Experience: Healing Postures for Spirit Journeys” by Belinda Gore.

 

— We have a collective longing for ecstasy, a hunger as fundamental and persistent as the need for food. How interesting that our bodies are designed—“hardwired”—for the experience of ecstasy and yet, for so many people in the contemporary world, the condition of ecstasy deprivation creates so much suffering. It was Felicitas’s theory that ecstasy deprivation is the underlying cause of all addictions. As a psychologist who has treated alcoholism, eating disorders, and other addictive behaviors for many years, I wholeheartedly agree. Even though addictions are related to genetic predisposition and faulty neurology, the basic biology that produces the physical experience of ecstasy has gone haywire in a culture that does not teach us how to achieve it naturally.

Ecstasy is essentially a spiritual experience. We are ecstatic when our conscious awareness transcends the ego but at the same time aligns with the body, allowing us to be fully aware physically but without the inner dialogue of the mind. That is why sex is the form of ecstasy that many people can recognize. The physical experience of sexual pleasure overcomes the mind’s incessant thinking and we are relieved, for the moment, of our brooding about the past and anticipation of the future. Among the ancient Egyptians there were specific rituals for using the ecstatic states awakened through sex to nourish the energy of the subtle body, known to the Egyptians as the ka. The hunger for ecstasy was acknowledged as a real hunger because ecstasy is food for the ka body, giving it vitality and potency. The ka not only sustains the physical cells and tissue, but also provides for the capacity to experience and express the conceptual reality, the Logos, that enlivens the physical tissue. Curiously, it is taught that shame is poison to the ka and that ecstasy is needed to detoxify the bodies from the negative effects of shame.

Other options for ecstasy are, of course, available. Drugs, alcohol, chocolate, and adrenaline rushes—from fear or extreme sports—can all provide the same initial experience but without long-lasting effect. Alternatively, native people around the world used to have a complex system of ritual body positions that make it easy to have an ecstatic experience. The use of a specific sacred pose accompanied by drumming or rattling can engage the body’s natural ability to heighten brain activity and activate a state of consciousness that lies dormant during ordinary daily life. To experience that state is to experience ecstasy.

— Spiritual initiation is a process of learning, step-by-step, how to die and be reborn. How wise these ancient cultures and civilizations were to have a well-developed method for teaching everyone this essential skill that puts all the rest of living into a meaningful context. For many years I have thought about ways to incorporate initiation postures, and the skill of learning how to die and be reborn, into contemporary workshops. Helping people to know what to expect can only assist in learning to easily let go at the time of death, and understanding what is occurring is a wonderful support for the friends and families of those who are dying.

A decade ago we organized a workshop in Missoula, Montana, on death and dying. Missoula is the home of the Chalice of Repose project in which musicians are taught how to accompany people in their dying process, using music to ease the transition into death. Graduates of the Chalice of Repose project as well as the local hospice organization attended the workshop and were very enthusiastic about the valuable addition of initiation trances to assist those who are dying. A board member of the hospice organization said that every staff member and volunteer of every hospice program should have this training, but at the time we did not have the resources to follow through with this vision. A few years later two of us offered workshops for cancer patients and their families using initiation postures; the group members loved it but the hospital staff was uneasy about our unorthodox method. We were not invited to continue.

Most recently I returned to Santiago, Chile, last winter to continue teaching ecstatic postures. We designed a workshop called Buen Morir, or Good Dying, to teach people how to learn about dying through trance and then to become “midwives” to the dying. While hospice is a program of palliative care for people at the end of life, Buen Morir gives their friends and families the tools and resources they need to support this end-of-life process in a loving and meaningful way through under- standing the losses experienced by the person who is dying, how to talk about dying, completing end-of-life tasks such as saying good-bye, clarifying one’s legacy and making meaning of one’s life, making plans for rituals, and managing pain through healing postures. We teach breathing exercises and go through an experiential process to replicate the loss of roles and identity that causes so much anxiety when people approach death. Through the trance experiences, workshop participants began to discover what Kathleen Dowling Singh identified, that “dying, remarkably, is a process of natural enlightenment.”1 My colleague, Paula Olivares, has facilitated another Buen Morir training for a hospital staff in Santiago and we hope the program will continue.

The first time I experienced dying through an ecstatic trance posture, I found myself traveling down into the Realm of the Dead, falling like a rag doll down a steep bank. Later I learned that this was like a spirit journey to the Lower World and I came to anticipate going down, sometimes as a skier or maybe diving off a high cliff into the sea. When I came to a fire, I entered it willingly and felt the muscles on my bones grow slack and then drop away until I was only a skeleton. Oddly enough, I observed all of this dispassionately because the essence of “me” was not in the muscles or bones, but was simply a curious wit- ness. Supported by the posture and the sound of the rattle, I waited quietly as my bones were placed in the fire, the final release of the molecules and atoms I had borrowed to make a physical body. It was quite dark and there was nothing to do but wait. My spirit began rising above the earth, into pink and blue clouds, then upward toward the red disk of the sun. The sadness of saying good-bye was replaced by tears of joy. Elated, I knew I was going home.

This group of initiation postures is in female forms and all of them come from the Middle East and Egypt. The first one, the Inanna Posture, supports a journey of descent similar to Inanna’s journey as told in Sumerian myth. The experience facilitated by the Ishtar Posture focuses on sensuality, sex, and fertility. This is the stage in birth, death, and rebirth in which we take on a physical body and learn to enjoy it. The Sekhmet Posture teaches us to be awake in death and rebirth, and to learn the dance of coming into form, landing in newly acquired bodies, and then leaving form. Finally, the Shawabty Posture seems to focus on how to die and often takes us into experiences of funerals and simi- lar ceremonies, so that we become familiar with this part of the process and do not hold back from it. Paradoxically, learning how to die helps us to appreciate what it means to be alive and how to fully live.

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LOVING MYSELF IS LISTENING TO MY HEART

These are some of my favorite passages in “The Healing” by Lynda Schmidt.

 

Back On Vancouver Island, Cate is excited to be reunited with Fredrick, ready to get back into her routine. She sends a text to Finn.

“Driving up the Malahat now. There in 10 minutes.”

She pulls onto Finn’s gravel driveway and leaps from

the car, throwing the keys into her handbag. As she climbs the wooden stairwell she can hear a ruckus inside Finn’s apartment. Her knock on the door goes unanswered, so she tries the knob and discovers it is unlocked. She crosses the threshold to arrive into total chaos. The apartment is a mess, as Cate is discovering is par for the course.

“Finn? It’s Cate,” she calls out to no answer. She steps over a pile of dirty laundry before she turns into the kitchen where she sees Finn on his phone. He waves to her but doesn’t interrupt his call. Fredrick comes scampering over, his tail wagging like crazy, and she bends down to pet him while he licks her hand. Cate starts to pick up Fredrick’s belongings, which are scattered all over the place.

His water dish and food bowl, crusty with remnants, are on the kitchen floor. She gathers everything up and puts it into Fredrick’s Rubbermaid storage container and waits a few more minutes, but Finn is still on the phone. The television blares. Finn’s teenage kids yell at one another. It is all she can do not to cry.

“Text me later,” she yells over the din. “I’m going to take Fredrick home.”

Finn barely seems to register, and Cate departs without a reply.

On the drive home, Cate is lost in thought. She knows that Finn is not her love. She reminds herself she isn’t looking for love, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t want something more. She considers the many red flags, the biggest of which is her discontent. She doesn’t feel appreciated. She tells herself not to be judgmental, that these little things don’t matter, but they do. Cate is beginning to understand that acceptance isn’t about settling, it’s about choosing. She wants something Finn can’t give her, and she knows it isn’t fair to either one of them to keep dragging it on.

When Cate gets home she cuddles up with Fredrick on the couch. She cries softly into his thick fur, grieving her loss. When she is done, she feels inspired to write and gets out her journal. 

Angels dancing on my shoulders. Fairies skipping lightly over the Earth, leaving not a trace. Seashells still covering my wounds. I’m yearning for something deeper. A knowing in my heart, rooted in my Spirit.

I know the dance. The Teacher was here and danced and called us to love. If you have ears, listen, he said.

The purpose of our existence is love and only love. Part of loving myself is not accepting less than I desire. Part of loving myself is listening to my heart. 

______

I took my first step forward on my healing journey when I hurled myself out of my comfort zone to begin a new life on Vancouver Island. Inside the expansiveness of freedom, I began to discover how to love myself.

I found my courage. I started to build my healing tool-kit. I spent time in nature, I journaled, practiced yoga, and meditated. I had to re-learn how to listen to my body and my intuition.

Early on I realized there was no destination. What I was searching for was inside me. I learned that acceptance isn’t about settling, it’s about choosing. Then, when I wasn’t looking, I found true love with Ethan. I had to unravel the stickiness of my past with John before I could build a solid foundation to dream upon.

Ethan’s love has taught me so much. But I also found out along the way that his angel wing didn’t complete me. I had to do my own work. I had to learn how to love and approve of myself unconditionally.

Chloe’s battles with mental health, Dana’s struggles with stability and my challenges with Lyme disease disrupted my healing process. The move to Riyadh was a huge adjustment too. I had to dig deeper and expand my skill set. I uncovered the importance of detachment as I struggled on my letting go journey. I had to learn to accept what I can’t change.

I found strength in the support and wisdom of my sisterhood in Tribe. I chose to let go of the heaviness, guilt, criticism and judgment, to focus on gratitude. I’m not perfect, I never claimed to be, but I am good enough.

Life is a heartbeat. It is an ocean tide that ebbs and flows. If there is one thing I’ve learned, it is to accept and trust that rhythm. To enjoy the highs and endure the lows. Love is the steady foundation. The healing isn’t a place you arrive at, it is a place you discover deep inside you.

It’s time to hurl myself back out of my comfort zone. To release all doubts. To find my strength and trust my authentic self. I know it will be hard. But I know how to do hard. I’ve got the skills and the determination, the love and support. I’ve got the strength and integrity. I’ve got this.

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ALL HEALING IS SELF-HEALING

These are some of my favorite passages in “Chakra Empowerment for Women: Self-Guided Techniques for Healing Trauma, Owning Your Power & Finding Overall Wellness” by Lisa Erickson.

  

— All healing is self-healing. Any medicines you take or procedures you undergo are meant to aid your own body in its return to health. If you take ibuprofen for a sprained ankle, it doesn’t heal the damaged tissue; instead, it reduces the inflammation and limits your pain, which aids your body’s ability to heal. If you take an antibiotic, it kills the bacteria that made you sick, but then your own body has to take over and restore balance between the microbes in your body and heal any damage to tissue that occurred as a result of the infection. If you have surgery to remove a tumor, your body has to heal the affected organ(s) and knit the skin back together at the site of the incision. If you get a bone set to heal a fracture, your body has to create new bone at the site of the break.

Although Eastern, holistic, and alternative methods differ in approach, it’s just as true that they are designed to aid your body’s natural process of healing. You might take ginger and turmeric instead of ibuprofen to reduce the inflammation in that sprained ankle, but your body still has to regenerate the cells to heal that tissue. You may receive acupuncture to rebalance energies in your body, take supplements to boost your immune system, or receive Reiki after surgery, and they all may help your healing—that is, they will aid your body as it carries out the healing on a cellular level.

Your body is a wondrous healing machine. It is regenerative and reparative. When we are ill or injured, we have many methods we can turn to for aid. Since our body and energy body are so entwined, what can we do on an energetic level to aid our physical body in this process? This is the purpose of Healing Rays. It helps you draw upon the regenerative aspect of your sacral chakra and the soothing aspect of your heart chakra to support your body’s natural healing abilities. Healing Rays is not energy medicine. There are many forms of energy medicine, and I encourage you to find an energy healer to complement your other medical care if you have a health issue. Notice I say “complement”; it is my belief that energy medicine, holistic treatments, and alternative medical treatments should be used in combination with conventional medicine in most cases. Of course, there are ailments that may be entirely treated through energy, holistic, or alternative means. Most of the time, you will benefit from finding the right combination of both, and Healing Rays is not meant to replace any of it. Now that

I have that disclaimer out of the way and you understand what Healing Rays is not, we can talk about what it is. For one thing, women are often particularly good at this healing tool because it draws upon our sacral and heart chakras, part of our feminine pathway. As you know, our sacral chakra, among other things, is procreative energy. It’s the energy of creativity, of creation, in all its forms, including the reproductive energy that creates and nurtures life. In this aspect it is the energy linked to new cell creation, cellular regeneration, and cellular repair. It is through these cellular functions that new skin cells are regenerated to heal a cut, a bone fracture is reknit, or damaged tissue is repaired.

The heart chakra is our balance point and generates an energy that helps pull all aspects of our mind and body back into balance. Many illnesses are caused by an imbalance within our system, an imbalance between the microbes in our body, our hormones, our endocrines, or our digestive enzymes. Healing is very often about returning balance to our system. The heart chakra is also our center of nurturing, soothing, and calming energy. These energies support our ability to heal by reducing our stress levels, as a high amount of stress hormones can inhibit healing.

With Healing Rays, we are combining the regenerative energies of our sacral chakra with the balancing, soothing, and nurturing energies of our heart chakra. To some extent, many of us do this instinctively when we are sick. If you get a cold and you cocoon yourself with some warm soup, your favorite book, and a bath, you are creating a nest-like energy that allows you to go inward and supports your healing process. You may be naturally bringing forth your sacral and heart energies in this case (and this is a memory you can use to bring forth these energies again in the activation steps).

With Healing Rays, we are doing this in a more deliberate fashion and are adding the palm chakras to direct healing more specifically. Located in the palms of both hands, these chakras are part of the larger secondary chakra network in various chakra systems. The palm chakras are another energy center that appears in many mappings around the world and is linked with healing. Reiki, faith healing, and Healing Touch are all examples of healing modalities that draw upon the palm centers. In Healing Rays, we will use the palm chakras to direct the energies you generate in your sacral and heart to the part of your body most in need of healing. You may not need or wish to do this, in which case you can simply generate the sacral and heart-healing energies without directing them and allow them to fill your entire body.

Besides using Healing Rays to support physical healing, you can also use it to support emotional healing, by noticing where you feel a particular challenging emotion such as anger, fear, or shame in your body. We will talk more about this in the Using Healing Rays section of this chapter. Of course just as Healing Rays is meant to augment, not replace, physical medical care, it also is meant to augment, not replace, mental health care or counseling. Healing Rays is also not meant to be a healing Empowerment for you to use on others— others—like all the Empowerments in this book, it is designed to empower you in your everyday life and growth. Using it is part of reclaiming the vast reserves of natural powers and energetic abilities you have at your disposal…

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YOU APPRECIATE LIGHT WHEN IT HAS BEEN DARK

These are some of my favorite passages in “Finding The Field: An Adventure Of Body, Mind, And Spirit” by Michael Brown

 

— “Look around you,” I demand, sweeping my arm in front of me. The sound resonates, the first echo returning before the word has completely left my mouth. “What does this place remind you of?”

We’re on the blarney rock, the monolith that juts into the farm reservoir as a natural peninsula. If you were to join up a dozen Stonehenge slabs and topple the result to lie half in and half out of the water, you would have the blarney rock. Siobhan and I have picnicked here, painted watercolors, solved the world’s problems, and made unrestrained love here, much to the astonishment of the alpacas. One time, at the critical moment, an avalanche started over on Ringa Mountain and we laughed so hard we nearly fell into the reservoir.

When I leave my body here on the rock, it will merge with the elements and eventually disappear, leaving just the bullet. I like that.

The reservoir is a very deep, natural tarn, formed by a geological fault running across the middle of the valley. Siobhan and I once dropped a rock off the blarney stone and watched it shimmy away into the depths, growing smaller until it vanished. So we tied another rock to the end of a full reel of builder’s twine, and dropped that too. It didn’t touch bottom, so all we discovered is that the farm would never be short of water.

Matthew inspects the way the valley has formed around rock and reservoir, a sweeping, rising curve. 

“It’s a natural amphitheater,” he muses. “We’re on stage. We should turn on a Greek tragedy.” For now, he has suspended hostilities, his tone almost friendly, as if he has allowed the sun’s warmth to reach inside him. 

Where an audience might sit, alpacas are either studying us, or grazing, and more are arriving, drawn by the human activity. They spend most of their time grazing the grass, supplementing with alpine daisies and buttercups that emboss the pasture with white and gold. When summer settles in, the display will be even more extravagant, because Siobhan spent a small fortune improving on nature.

Following my lead, Matthew strips off his shirt and lies back on the warm rock, using the shirt as a pillow. In times past, a hiker has scratched Kilroy was here into the surface near his head. There’s an upward tilt at that end of the slab, inviting humans to lie back and contemplate the abandon of the Southern Alps. In recent geological history, some exuberant giant flung peaks, bush and lakes into the air to fall where they would. In Maori legend, the Earth mother is reaching up, yearning for her lover, the Sky Father. 

In the distance, the sun shines down on Ringa Mountain. Ringa means arm. With three gullies reaching for the peak, it takes little imagination to see fingers pointing high. This side of the hand is in shadow, but the gullies are snow-filled, sharply defining the gaps between the fingers. The thumb is a stumpy misshapen outcrop; the palm a rain-hollowed slope. The arm is greywacke scree running down to the beige and green garments of tussock and beech. Arm, hand and fingers beseech the sky, asking why. 

When he first clambered up, Matthew stayed crouched until he found a safe spot away from the water. He explained that if he looks down into the deep water, he’ll turn dizzy and breathless and his hands will shake. At five years old, he was playing on the beach by an ill-tempered Tasman Sea when a freak wave reared up, fell on him, and pulled him back in the undertow. 

“You got yourself out, or were you rescued?”

“Rescued. Howled my head off. I never could go near deep water after that.”

We bask in the warmth, but after a while a thought occurs to me and I speak lazily to the sky. “So you’ll know how to really appreciate a lungful of air.”

 Just as lazily, he rolls over and looks at me. “If you mean do without it for a while, then yes. Is there a point?”

“There is. Want the best experience of eating and drinking? Do without for a day or two. Want the best shower you’ve ever had? Do without. Likewise, the full experience of hot must include cold. Up has no meaning without down. You appreciate light when it has been dark, and starlight as the mist melts away, and happiness when sadness has carved a cavern within you. On this earthly plane, nothing can be fully experienced, appreciated or understood or have any meaning without its opposite or lack. Your mind performs on a stage built of opposites and contrast. Listen…”

In the beginning, there were no stars or planets, there was no space and no time, no opposites, nor any contrast. There was only the stillness of a deep longing, and the deep longing was the Great Spirit.

The Great Spirit longed to know itself, because there was nothing else to know. So it asked the question, What Am I? It wanted to experience the answer in many ways, so within its stillness, it created many smaller spirits called souls, each asking the question, What Am I? So the one became the many and yet they were still one.

And each soul created within its own stillness a separate region called mind, and each mind asked the question, What Am I?

And each mind was given the gift of space and time and contrast. Each was given light and dark, here and there, past and future, big and small, up and down, hot and cold, right and wrong, male and female. And each contrast brought desire, and each desire was the asking and the answering of the eternal question, What Am I?

And each mind was given the gift of forgetting. So that its experience could be real, each would forget that it is a creator surrounded by its creations. Each would experience itself as separate, and restricted to a vibration called physical, and each would believe itself contained by a shape with head, arms, and legs.

A bush robin, tououwai, flits past, so low over the outlet stream that the pale underbelly is barely visible. It lands on the stream bank, an ebony pebble against grey stones.

“Forgetting,” Matthew says. “Why does that make it real?”

“Imagine that you’re playing chess with yourself. You make a move on one side of the board, then go around to the other side. What has to happen before you can truly-”

He interrupts. “Okay. I have to forget the other guy is me.”

The robin’s mate arrives, and the pair pursue insects under twigs and small stones, the female so enthusiastic that her discards bounce off nearby rocks.

Matthew says, “I feel about as important as a sparrow.”

“You’re about as important as a being which casts itself out as a sparrow and returns as a bird of paradise. You have only to remember what you forgot.”

“Hah! This from someone missing the first half of his life.”

“That from someone missing the second half.”

“I could go crazy listening to you.”

“Crazier than your visions made you, or not that crazy?”

He glares, but says nothing.

“How long before they let you out of the psychiatric hospital?”

“The bin? A month.”

“A month? One month?” My disbelief must be written all over my face. “After you wrecked a police car and ran other-”

“Well, after three days, I stopped fighting them. Instead, I became a model patient and got to know what the shrinks wanted. You know, talking openly and calmly about my own feelings, a little regret for how I had scared people, a bit of humility, a touch of wry humour about my situation, eagerness to make a new start. Not difficult.”

“But how could you think so clearly? Didn’t you say you were on the maximum-”

“I reduced my dose.”

“You reduced it?”

“Broke the pill in two on the way to my mouth—between the thumbnail and forefinger—chewed and swallowed one bit in front of them, with the other bit tucked in the side at the back of my tongue. Bitter as the devil, but worth it.”

“And you got away with it?”

“I was so well behaved, they stopped watching me so carefully at drug call. Then I had to get a balance between acting zombied and looking like I was improving. They bought it. After a while, they reduced the dose themselves. Then I reduced that. Which freed me up to work my way out.”

“Even so, they can’t have released you in a month. You escaped?”

“No. They showed me the door. Actually my psychiatrist came to the door with me and opened it. I think he wanted to make sure I went through it. He looked a bit disturbed.” There’s a hint of a smile at the corner of his mouth.

“Wait a minute. It doesn’t add up. There’s something you’re not telling me.”

“Nothing important.” He shrugs dismissively.

So I let it go and change direction.

“Brain chemistry is an effect, not a cause. The root cause of insanity is the belief that you are alone. But when you understand my kind of craziness, you’ll know you’re far from alone.”

He’s amused. “It’s all psychology, isn’t it? No hard facts. You can’t substantiate a single thing you’re saying.”

“Of course not, and be glad of it. Empirical evidence, logic, and deductive reasoning don’t even begin to help you remember the being waiting inside you. The human mind does not become wise through reason. History is littered with those who used reason to corner the Truth, but who would come to blows if they met.”

“And you,” he says, “have transcended such limitations.”

 “Yes. I have.”

He rolls on his side to look at me. “Do you know how arrogant you are?”

“It’s the opposite of arrogance. Once you master your life, you won’t see your self as superior or inferior to anyone or anything.”

“So you would not be superior to a dung beetle.”

“Superior at hammering nails, inferior at rolling dung balls to impress my mate, but inherently superior? No.”

He presses the point. “And you wouldn’t see yourself as inferior to, say, the Buddha.”

“Inherently? No. Of all people, the Buddha would say that if I think I am inferior, I will become so and then mistake it for reality. No. There is no higher or lower.”

He sighs, closing his eyes against the sun, which must turn his blue sky to salmon pink. “Can your expanded self talk to you directly? Like with a voice?”

“Yes, it can. But… ” My tone is rueful. “… it’s very choosy about when.”

“Then what about people who hear voices telling them to do really crazy shit. You know, kill someone.”

“You associate the expanded self with only pleasant, non-painful things?”

“Of course.”

“No. Your expanded self—your soul if you like—often brings you painful events deliberately, most of them at your direction. As you’ll see.”

He mutters. “Who the hell’s the crazy one here?”

“Obviously you. You’re the one mumbling to yourself.”

Abruptly, for the first time, he laughs out loud. That makes him cough, so he clambers down the land end of the rock, well away from deep water, and goes to the outlet stream. Still coughing, he kneels in the stones and scoops cold, crystal water into his mouth, cooling his throat. Both tououwai flit to the top of the opposite stream bank, then loop away into the bush in different directions. Their wings make no sound at all because melt water is on the move everywhere, bustling down the stream, bubbling through and under the soggy pasture.

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LOVE IS WHAT I WISH TO EVOLVE INTO

These are some of my favorite passages in “Love from the Vortex and Other Poems” by Yolanda Sealey-Ruiz

 

A Moment of Remembering what Liberation Feels Like

At 15 you were the moon & stars— An image so bright, I could hardly look at you.

Darkness dissipated & I learned
that life would be good, filled with struggle, a good struggle, the kind that, together,
we would take on to the finish — & struggle we did.

The loss of three,
those we desperately wanted
to carry on our name
& the love we found.
Moments of beauty turned into
years of bliss, smiles from deep within— & even in moments of extreme challenge, with the loss of the only one
who, besides me, could love you deeply, we somehow made it through.

Along the way, my desire for knowledge, truth, movement made you uncomfortable, unsettled, unsure that I wasn’t trying to interrupt
what we had created, carved out
just for ourselves.
I intended to preserve that part of our lives, protect it;

My heart’s desire was to expand it... More for me.
Meant more for you.
Then something shifted.

Moments of intimacy, if I am honest, became work; a means to an end.
A service to cure your anxiety.

A way to serve, be compliant & remember that my body was an offering.
In your temple, it lost meaning for me.

And when the other losses came year

. . .after year
. . .after year

you told me, Well it wasn’t a real baby anyway & I realized that I didn’t know you anymore.

But the women in my life saved me.

They gave me hope that even if I could not bear a child, I was a woman to be

respected loved, cared for believed in.

I had purpose beyond motherhood & wifehood. & this quest I began.

The beginning of my liberation meant the end of our journey.

Yes, I came to understand that you were, in fact, part of my journey
but not my destination.

For a decade, I sat in the silence of wanting more. I moved forward with dreams & goals
meaning I moved away from the world
in which you lived & protected.

But somehow, we still slipped back into each other’s orbits; coming together only to fall apart.

& then she came into existence. My reaction surprised me.

My tears were not those of joy, but of anticipation for perhaps

another loss

another affirmation of my lack of womanness

my inability to provide the ultimate offering to the universe.

& then she:

Arrived. Survived.

Blossomed.

We thought we had reached the PromiseLand.
She would take us back to that original moment of innocence when a kiss was enough to make my heart pound louder than a symphony of ten African drums.

With all of her beauty came challenges, shifting sands; my need for grace & your need for forgiveness
for being jealous of your child,
mad at me for deeply loving what we both had longed for, for so very long.

These things are never intentional. We are only, & always human.
& at times that is ugly
ragged around the edges pitiful.

But I thought that if I loved you more, showed you my Super womaness degrees earned  diapers changed dinners made that it would save us.
But saving was a stop that we had passed long ago in places that even the Kama Sutra
could not bring us back to.

Others had entered your spirit taken your attention filled you with the belief that your purpose
was not to be an attentive poppa,
but someone who should seek the simplicity of life—

Recapturing moments before our baby arrived, living the illusion that we only had each other
to care for in complete bliss.

But I was always the servant apology maker worker slave,

the one who held it up & together.

But there was now a rip in my cape;
the giving of life had both strengthened
& weakened me.
By the time I discovered where you had been spending your mind & time, I had nothing left within me to help preserve the façade that this would all be okay after a good night’s sleep.

& so, I left.

Not physically, like the first time before I returned, but my heart took a vacation from the space
my body occupied; sending me postcards years later, refusing to return home.

Then I swayed.
& I knew that the protection I had under God — Christ — The Spirit had been compromised.
I sought joy in another place
that only filled me with guilt.
But here we were, trying to travel three roads, separate ones of our own,
& a single one where we were to be the parents we thought we had believed we had wished we had.

Having moments of success
but mostly moments of disappointment at our lack of perfection
even though it appeared to others that we were indeed the perfect couple.

The day I saw the email was one that knocked the wind out of me.

And your reaction your breakdown my breaking through left what would be the mark of our future. One where we could not be together unless trust could be re-established.

But soon, your anxiety would complicate all that we knew
& challenge my existence as wife, mother, woman.

One who had her own desires & tried to find a way
to balance it all.

The beam broke. The balance lost.

& we entered the next stage,
a transition into the unknowing.

Drunkenness from broken dreams & alcohol corrupted the journey. Verbal violence & moments of pre- domestic madness captured in the twilight zone; moments that helped me to realize that I must break free.
That my freedom was inextricably linked to your need to keep me caged into the role that I had played for over two decades.
To be free, I had to seek liberation of my soul & this is what I have been doing
in the four years that I
have been physically gone
from the space that we shared.

 I was in debt, but I am free.
I was alone, but I am free.
I needed help, but I am now free enough to know. I ripped the tattered cape from my neck—

It fell from my body;
my armor that had kept me both strong & weak, preserving & disintegrating me
at the same time.

 

L O V E

I have come to the realization that no man on earth will ever be able to comprehend the depths of love I have to offer. For I am a stranger to myself when it comes to this. My love flows like water, reaching levels deep beyond the surface. My love expands contracts opens again in the presence & shape of the lover before me— Meeting & exceeding what he offers proudly as his all. My love, wild & open, shy & wanting, spills over, tripping over my tongue, racing ahead of my heart & causing me to lose touch with myself. But it is myself that I most want to be with sit with allow to breathe.

No labels, without words.

What does I love you really mean anyway? These three words can never truly express what happens to my mind-body soul when my eyes & spirit connect with another traveler along the journey— A traveler, who, like me, is in search for something deeper ethereal undefined.

The truth is, I haven’t a clue what love is. But I now know I have the courage to not speak these three words again for they betray me & my very essence. They go against what I know to be true: words cannot define Love, words limit what Love can be. Love is what I wish to evolve into, what I imagine one day I can become.

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RECOGNIZING AND HEALING EMOTIONAL ABUSE

These are some of my favorite passages in “Escaping Emotional Abuse: Healing from the Shame You Don't Deserve.” by Beverly Engel.

 

— Even when all the signs are there and you recognize how hurtful your partner’s behavior is, it can still be difficult to admit you are being emotionally abused. It can be embarrassing to acknowledge that you’ve allowed yourself to be humiliated, manipulated, demeaned, dismissed and controlled. It is particularly embarrassing for men to admit this, but women are often ashamed to admit it as well—especially if they are competent and successful in other areas of their life.  

The word “abuse” is itself filled with shame and in our culture, victims of any kind of abuse have been stigmatized and made to feel that they are weak for putting up with abuse. But emotional abuse is nothing to be ashamed of. Emotional abuse is far more common than physical abuse and it cuts across all social, economic, racial, and religious lines. While it is hard to determine the exact number of women and men who are emotionally abused worldwide, we know that the number is astronomical.

According to one famous study, 35% of all women who are or have been in married or common-law relationships have experienced emotional abuse. In comparison, 29% of women have been physically assaulted by their male partners and we know that many of these women were also emotionally abused.

Shockingly, new findings from the National Intimate Partner & Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS) found that approximately half of Americans reported experiencing a lifetime of emotional abuse by a partner.

Many people who are being emotionally abused tell themselves that their relationship is just going through a rough patch or rationalize that their partner is under a great deal of stress. Although they may suffer from many of the effects of emotional abuse such as: depression, lack of motivation, confusion, difficulty concentrating or making decisions, low self-esteem, feelings of failure or worthlessness, feelings of hopelessness, self-blame and self-destructiveness—they do not connect these symptoms with the way their partner is treating them.

Others may not want to face the fact that they are being emotionally abused because it would require them to admit that their relationship has become destructive or force them to face the painful truth about how their partner feels about them. For many, facing the extent of emotional abuse that has occurred in their relationship would force them to take some action—such as entering marital or individual counseling or even ending the relationship.  These actions can be very fear-provoking.

To help you identify whether you are being emotionally abused I have provided the following questionnaire.  

 Are You Being Emotionally Abused?

1.     Do you feel you have no voice in your relationship? Like you are unimportant?

2.     Do you feel like a failure as a partner even though you work hard to please your partner or “get it right”?

3.     Do you feel angry, depressed, and anxious because you constantly obsess over trying to solve the problems in the relationship?

4.     Does your partner feel you are the one who is responsible for all the problems in the relationship?

5.     Does your partner constantly blame or criticize you?

6.     Does your partner treat you like a child? Does he constantly correct you or chastise you because your behavior is “inappropriate”?

7.     Does your partner need to control all or most aspects of your life? Do you feel you must “get permission” before going somewhere or before making even the smallest decisions? Do you have to account for any money you spend or does he attempt to control your spending (even though he has no problem spending on himself)?

8.     Have you stopped seeing many or all of your friends and/or family since being in this relationship? Did you do this because your partner dislikes them, feels jealous of the time you spent with them, or because you are ashamed of the way he treats you in front of them?

9.     Does your partner treat you as if you are “less than” or inferior to her? Does your partner make a point of reminding you that you are less educated or that you make less money or that you aren’t as attractive as she is?

10.  Does your partner routinely ridicule, dismiss, or disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions and feelings?

11.  Does your partner constantly belittle your accomplishments, your aspirations, or your plans for the future?

12.  Do you find yourself “walking on eggshells”? Do you spend a lot of time monitoring your behavior and/or watching for your partner’s bad moods before bringing up a

subject?

13.  Did you stop seeing friends and family because you are ashamed of the fact that you’re still with him, even though you’ve complained to them many times about the way he treats you?

14.  Does your partner usually insist on getting her own way? Does she want to be the one to decide where you will go, what you will do and whom you will do it with?

15.  Does your partner punish you by pouting, withdrawing from you, giving you the silent treatment or by withholding affection or sex if you don’t do things his way?

16.  Does your partner frequently threaten to end the relationship if you don’t do things her way?

17.  Does your partner constantly accuse you of flirting or of having affairs even though it isn’t true?

18.   Does your partner feel he or she is always right?

19.   Does your partner seem impossible to please? Does she constantly complain to you about some aspect of your personality, your looks, or the way you choose to run your life?

20.   Does your partner frequently put you down or make fun of you in front of others?

21.   Does your partner blame you for his problems? For example, is it your fault he flies off the handle and starts screaming? Does he tell you he wouldn’t do it if you didn’t make him so mad? Are you to blame for her problem with compulsive overeating? Because he has a drinking problem? Are you blamed because if he didn’t have to support you and the kids he would have been able to finish college or fulfill his dream of becoming an actor (author, musician, singer, etc.)

22.   Does your partner feel you are the one who is responsible for all the problems in the relationship?

23.   Does your partner’s personality seem to go through radical changes? Is she pleasant one minute only to be furious the next? Does he become enraged with only the slightest provocation? Does she experience periods of extreme elation followed by periods of severe depression? Does his personality seem to change when he drinks alcohol?

24.    Does your partner tease you, make fun of you, or use sarcasm as a way to put you down or degrade you? Does he especially like to do this in front of others? When you complain does he tell you it was just a joke and that you are too sensitive or don’t have a sense of humor?

25.    Is your partner unable to laugh at herself? Is she extremely sensitive when it comes to others making fun of her or making any kind of comment that seems to show a lack of respect?

26.   Does your partner find it difficult or impossible to apologize or admit when he is wrong? Does he make excuses for his behavior or tend to blame others for his mistakes?

27.   Does your partner constantly pressure you for sex or try to persuade you to engage in sexual acts that you find repulsive? Has he ever threatened to find someone else who will have sex with him or who will engage in the activities he is interested in?

If you answered “yes” to even a few of these questions, you are being emotionally abused. The sad truth is, you may have actually responded with a “yes” to many of these questions and you may be surprised to realize that much of your partner’s behavior toward you is actually emotionally abusive. While this is a difficult truth to face, it can also be a liberating one. As the old saying goes, truth can actually set you free.

Your Reactions to the Questionnaire

Reading the above questions has likely caused you to have some strong emotional reactions. Pay attention to these reactions. For example, how did you feel each time you read a question that described the way your partner treats you?  Were you surprised to realize that this behavior is considered emotionally abusive? Or did you feel validated to realize that your suspicion that you were being emotionally abused was accurate?

Did you find that you tended to make excuses for your partner’s behavior? Or did you minimize his behavior, telling yourself that “he doesn’t do this very often”? It is difficult to admit to yourself that your partner treats you in emotionally abusive ways so it is understandable that you would make excuses for or minimize his behavior. As you continue reading and doing the exercises I have provided you will find that it will become easier to admit the truth to yourself.

I want to note that more than anything else, what characterizes an emotionally abusive relationship is a consistent pattern of hurtful, humiliating and condescending behavior. For example, if your partner treats you in any of the above ways only rarely, this can be fairly normal. Not healthy, but not necessarily abusive. It is when your partner treats you in any of these above ways on a consistent basis, when his abusive behavior becomes more the norm than the exception, that you can confidently say that you are being emotionally abused.

A word of caution: A common quality of many of those who are being abused is to have an odd sense of “fairness” that can actually get in your way of seeing things clearly. For example, some of you, after looking at the above questionnaire, may resist acknowledging you are being emotionally abused by saying to yourself, “But I am guilty of some of these same behaviors. How can I accuse him of being emotionally abusive if I do the same things?”

Again, focus on the idea of a pattern of behavior. We all treat our partners in some of these ways from time to time. No one is perfect. So even if you occasionally treat your partner in some of the above ways, it doesn’t mean you are an emotional abuser, especially if your treatment of him or her is in reaction to his treating you in emotionally abusive ways on a constant basis. I’m not excusing your behavior, but we all tend to treat others the way they treat us. If you occasionally lose your cool after your partner has been barraging you with criticism and you blurt out an insult or criticize him in return, you are not being emotionally abusive. If you sometimes yell at him or call him names in response to his cruelty, you are not an emotional abuser. And if you sometimes refuse to talk to him for hours or days at a time because you feel so wounded that you feel you need to isolate yourself from him to lick your wounds, you are not giving him the silent treatment. Don’t let your overblown need to be “fair’ prevent you from seeing what is actually happening in your relationship.

In the next chapter, we will focus on the specific tactics used by emotional abusers. This will help you even further to tell yourself the truth about your relationship and about the way your partner treats you…

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THE UNIVERSE LOVES YOU: GET CURIOUS, CREATIVE & COURAGEOUS

These are some of my favorite passages in “The Universe F*cking Loves Me: Getting Out of Your Way and Into Your Flow” by Sara Arey.

  

— Imagine what could happen if you see every break- down as the start of a breakthrough. If you know that every shit show is S.T.U.F.F. getting cleaned off, and that, if you stick with it, if you let your old attachments and identities fall away, what will emerge will be a clearer, more powerful, and more congruent version of you.

When something “bad” happens, our response is typically to fight it, fix it, or flee it. It’s so much more powerful to surrender to it and to use it for our own expansion.

I realize this isn’t easy. I get that it goes against some deeply worn habits. I know that fighting, fixing, and fleeing are ways of feeling in control, of feeling safe. What if it’s possible that being in control is actually a way of being stuck. What if it’s possible that being in control is a euphemism for staying in your comfort zone. What if it’s possible that surrendering is the way to release old S.T.U.F.F. and expand.

When I say surrender, I don’t mean being passive. I simply mean accepting what is instead of fighting it.

When Tara first told me about the deal falling apart, she clearly thought that this shouldn’t have happened. If only she’d worked harder. If only she’d been a better person. If only she didn’t need the money. Clearly, she was judging both the situation and herself as wrong.

When she began to see it as an opportunity for expansion, she stopped trying to fight, fix, or flee. Without that energy of struggle and resistance, it was so much easier for her to make changes. She was able to move into what I call the Three Cs. These are the steps to take in order to work through challenging situations in an expansive way.

First, feel your feelings. If you’ve got strong feelings going on, let them come up first. Not every challenging situation will be emotional, but if this one is, allow yourself to feel the emotions.

Step 1—Get Curious

Ask yourself questions like:

­ — If this situation is an opportunity,

what might it be an opportunity for?

­ — If someone I’ve never met walked up and looked at what’s going on,

what would they see?

­ — Where is my power in this?

­ — How do I want to show up in this?

­ — What’s important to me here?

Step 2—Get Creative

What creative possibilities can you come up with for this situation? Get ideas from your head, and also check in with your intuition and your heart. Crazy ideas are welcome! Impulses are too. Let yourself dream, like Tara did for her business.

Step 3—Get Courageous

Now it’s time to move into action, and that takes courage. You’re doing something new, so you’ll naturally have some nervousness. You might even feel a little anxious or scared. You might dread taking the next step. That’s OK. It’s normal. What else do you feel?

Over and over I’ve heard clients say things like, “I’m excited about this opportunity, but I’m also really nervous. I don’t know if I can do it.” Using the word “but” is like putting on the brakes. Your excitement has your foot on the gas. Your “but” has you pushing the brake. It’s really hard to make progress this way.

Try this instead. “I’m really nervous and have doubts, and I’m really excited about this opportunity.” By acknowledging all of your feelings and using the word “and,” you keep the momentum going forward. By addressing the fears and nervousness first, you let your Safety Self relax, and it’s easier to move into more expansion.

Take a deep breath, and take one step at a time. When you practice getting curious, creative, and courageous, you begin leading your life in a bigger way.

Typically, when something “bad” happens, we feel like a victim. We’re at the mercy of fate, another person, or our own faults. Victims are weak and powerless, and that’s how we end up feeling in our lives.

Not only are these situations opportunities, they’re also catalysts.

When we approach them with curiosity, creativity, and courage, these experiences expand us. They’re the stimulus that gets us into action and into more alignment with our essence and our joy.

Tara was catalyzed into creating ways of working with clients that truly excited her and ended up bringing her the income she was looking for. She was able to see that, had the deal not fallen through, she’d have been working with someone who didn’t truly value her and who would have continued asking for more and more from her. That is not a recipe for feeling fulfilled and joyful.

If the situation you’re dealing with is something cataclysmic, feeling your feelings can take a long time. It’s not something to push yourself through. And you may cycle back through it numerous times.

When my daughter died, I grieved for a long time, of course. Over years and years, I would cycle through times of grief and layers of letting go of S.T.U.F.F. and my identities around the whole experience.

These steps are not intended to push you into action before you’re ready or to deny your pain and sorrow. Sometimes, feeling your feelings is the most important step of all.

Refuturing Statements

♥ What if it’s possible that it’s OK for me to feel my feelings.

♥ What if it’s possible that I can do this in ways that feel safe and right for me.

♥ What if it’s possible that I can do this at a time and at a pace that feels safe and right for me.

♥ What if it’s possible that I can feel nervous and excited, scared and confident,

even exhilarated.

♥ What if it’s possible that I have more options and possibilities than I ever realized.

♥ What if it’s possible for me to be curious, creative, and courageous as I become

the leader of my life.

 

Choose Statement

I choose to get curious, creative, and courageous as I take inspired action.

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LOVE ALL — SERVE ALL

These are some of my favorite passages in “Divine Mirror: A Painting's Hidden Gift of Conscious Healing” by Debra Lynn

 

— The phrase “Love All, Serve All,” the motto of the Knights Templar, is a powerful statement. Who among us loves this way every moment? I know that it is a high mark to strive for, but is there any other answer that responds to the true need of humanity in these times?

My dear psychologist friend, Nickie, once shared an adult play therapy session with me to tap into my emotions through my body, use my physical intelligence to ground me and then move the energy.

I remember feeling challenged in that exercise by deep feelings of anger, always a difficult emotion for me to express. She told me this is common, especially when one has codependent tendencies. The desire to appear to be in control, to always look good, doesn’t really allow for authentic anger or frustration to release. Depression tends to follow, as the brewing anger is focused inward at self.

The memory of that session prompts me to call Nickie and ask if she might have an hour for me this week. Within a few minutes, she responds, “Yes, of course.” I feel myself breathe again. We set up the appointment and agree to meet online since she now lives in North Carolina.

There is just something special for me about Nickie, who now serves as a Unity minister. Her partner, Reverend Mindy, is another dear friend and the first woman I ever met in Honolulu back in 1985. Both women hold a compassionate space and understand that no matter what we may be feeling in any given moment, with the presence of God and Spirit, we can walk through anything with grace. Not by denying or avoiding, but by honoring our truth, our hearts, and trusting in the implicit goodness of the universe.

As soon as I see Nickie’s face on my screen, I start to cry. Fear and helplessness and chaos and shame all tumble out of my mouth. She holds state. It is okay. Having these feelings is just okay. Let them release.

The experience of being honored for what is–no judgment, no fixing, just allowing–transforms me. As soon as I allow myself to feel the emotion, it tends to magically transmute and disappear.

I explain to Nickie a recent call with my mom. An irrational feeling of terror suddenly overcomes me. She smiles and says that it’s not irrational it’s just what is. Then, intuitively, she speaks about the intense challenge we face during the transition or death of our parents.

I haven’t even said those words but she immediately understands why the swirl of emotions is so strong in me right now. Soon, I feel my body start to soften, and I understand the intensity of emotion that is surging through me. The added subconscious stress of dealing with the inevitable loss of my folks is pushing on me. I ask her what would happen if I avoid the whole thing and just don’t face it? Her next words change me.

“Once they are gone, they will be in you.”

I know then and there that I have to remain courageous now and face into their passing. This one issue might be triggering my deepest fears of abandonment. In many ways, I raised myself. It was as if these two people could not be present at all. As resilient children, we somehow survive whatever we face. It just becomes the norm.

So, right now, I need to be willing to stand in my truth, claim my voice, be who I am authentically and hold steady in what I truly believe; that love is the only way. This is the pathway and the salvation for my life.

After finishing a commitment on my calendar for the following weekend I once again pack my bags and drive down to Maryland to spend a few days. I love driving, so the nine to ten hours in the car allows me some integration space. I commit to the intention of holding a space of love with the two people who most challenge my ability to do so. Someone once said that those closest to you know exactly where your triggers lie. So I must attempt to remain in a non-reactive state.

As an empath I find it challenging at times to not pay attention to what people are thinking around me. I can feel judgment and anger from others very quickly. Perhaps because of my professional singing skills, I’ve learned how to hide their impact. I seem to be able to maintain a state of grace under fire now. I suppose that is progress. But, on the other side of these kinds of interactions, I’m always tired.

I think about Jesus in these moments. What would he have done? What would he have said to me? Our Bible-based history speaks of him in extraordinary ways. I’m reminded of when he turned over the tables at the Temple. Clearly, he was making a strong statement. One that was seemingly backed in anger, or at the very least, indignation and righteousness. I wonder how the merchants or moneychangers felt? Did they feel guilt or remorse? Or did they just write it off as some crazy guy getting upset at the market? What about all the times that he only used words to convey his message?

Unity Church’s principles for positive living assert that words and how we use them will either lead us into a loving, expansive life or the exact opposite. My favorite example of that kind of immediate paradigm shift can be found in the Lord’s Prayer. Unity uses the original Aramaic text of the prayer Jesus left us. In Aramaic, the word for “sin” is defined as “error,” or “to miss the mark.” When error replaces the word evil in this prayer, the entire meaning changes from an external source pushing us to do wrong,
to our own misunderstanding causing us to fall astray. Misunderstandings can happen in the smallest of interactions, especially when emotional triggers run hot. But big shifts can happen when we move towards being responsible and accountable for how we see and interact with the world.

In LifeSpring, back in the 1980s, when I was first exposed to consciousness, there was a training exercise around the distinction between accountability and blame. We can be accountable without having to accept or feel like we are to blame. I’ve started looking at my circumstances– results if you will–and addressing them from my accountability.

For example, when I first came into the barbershop world, I felt a tremendous need to prove myself. It set up dynamics of me vs. them, especially when it came to walking into a room full of men. Yes, I was an expert in my specialized area of singing, but many of the men I coached had been singing for their whole lives. Here I was, a woman, showing up in their beloved world and asking them to consider another approach to getting higher-level results. Unfortunately, in order to accomplish that task, it would often appear that I was making someone else wrong.

The backlash from that approach should be apparent. I struggled to be accepted. But when I surrendered the position of self-righteousness, something magical happened. Suddenly, I was being invited to contribute. I was asked to present my work in high visibility places like the yearly international convention for the Barbershop Harmony Society. At the time it was an all-male competition. That has recently changed to be inclusive of women, too. But when I arrived on the scene, I was more an oddity than the norm. I had to learn how to be uncomfortable and not show it. Grace under pressure.

Now, as I make my way towards this visit with my parents, I realize that I was being prepared for a deeper level of surrender, of trust. I don’t have to fight my way into the room. I just have to stand in my own truth and allow others to have theirs as well. This is not always easy to do, especially when it feels like there is aggression coming your way.

But I am committed to this journey towards love. I can do this. I can face my deepest fears. I am not alone. A very special presence walks beside me, even now. He helps me understand. When I listen to my heart, I hear the voice of love. This is all the protection I need.

What I learn through this particular visit with my folks is that all of what I view as inherent to my childhood trauma they both have experienced within the context of their own. All of what I react to, they
are reacting to with regard to their own parents, and, what shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone, to their parents before them. The cycles of abandonment, betrayal, abuse, trauma and distortion play on endlessly until we say, “Stop! Enough!”

I believe in my heart that these cycles can be broken and forever put to rest. This can happen when we turn and face into each issue of our lives with compassion and love. As we forgive the past and accept what is truth now, we heal ourselves. When we do that for us, we do it for all…

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HONORING EMOTIONS & LETTING FEELINGS FLOW WITHOUT JUDGMENT

These are some of my favorite passages in “Eating in the Light of the Moon: How Women Can Transform Their Relationships with Food Through Myth, Metaphor, and Storytelling” by Dr. Anita Johnston

 

— Intuition is an invaluable gift from the feminine. It is the wise voice that tells us what to do, which way to turn, and if something is wrong. Unfortunately, most of us have been encouraged to dis- regard our intuition. We have been taught that the only knowledge that is valid is that which comes to us from the outside world through our five senses. We are taught to think, not feel, and to value only what is logical, what can be processed through the rational mind.

Intuition is a very different kind of knowing. It is perception beyond the physical senses that provides information that can be used for survival, creativity, and inspiration. It is not simply a mental process, but one which involves our bodies, our hearts, and our spirits.

The rational mind processes the information that it receives from the environment and forms logical conclusions. It offers guidance and direction based on this information. The intuitive mind has access to a much broader and deeper supply of knowledge. It taps into the creative forces of the universe that reside within and around us. It links us to a greater, more comprehensive understanding than what the rational mind can comprehend.

This is not to say that the masculine, rational mind should be rejected, but rather that it needs to be used in tandem with the intuitive mind. Your rational mind can be used to question (with curiosity, not judgment) the promptings received from the intuitive mind and to provide the focus and support needed for their expression.

Intuition involves a certain state of receptivity that is not necessarily passive, although it may appear to be so. When we are actively receptive, our awareness becomes more diffuse and we become more sensitive to subtle information from both within and without. While all of us have intuition, it is often called "women's intuition" because it is the feminine aspect of receptivity that comes into play.

Intuition cannot be commanded. It comes, seemingly of its own volition, when we are in a state of receptivity. That is why when we are struggling to solve a problem and can't figure out a solution, it is only after we have "slept on it" or have let go of the struggle that the answer comes, often in a sudden burst of insight.

Women seem to be naturally more intuitive because their biology forces them to remain connected to their bodies and their emotions. We have hormones that sensitize us to our feelings and instincts, and a menstrual cycle that mirrors the phases of the moon as a reminder of our connection to the universe, the bigger picture. Women may also be more intuitive because of the experience of being female in a patriarchal society. Since we learned very quickly that we did not have the physical strength to protect our- selves from the perils of domination such as incest, rape, or other forms of abuse, we had to become very adept at judging others, "reading between the lines," and seeing the invisible in order to avoid dangerous situations. We often had to make decisions before all the logical, rational information was provided and thus learned to develop a strong, intuitive sense.

In our culture, there has not been much support for intuitive knowing, and those who are closely connected to their instinctual selves through their intuition are often rejected by others. In my work with women struggling with disordered eating, it has become clear to me that this is exactly the kind of experience these women have had repeatedly in their lives. They found that if they voiced concerns or shared perceptions that could not be validated by their five senses or logical thought processes, they were either punished, ridiculed, or accused of "trying to stir things up," of being reck- less, or courting trouble. They were told in no uncertain terms that their reality was wrong.

These women were so wounded by this rejection that they became distrustful of their feminine intuition, and their intuitive knowing was driven underground, into their unconscious, not to be acknowledged, even to themselves. In order to maintain the suppression of their intuitive faculties, they internalized the cultural judgments against this information with such statements to themselves as: "There is no reason for feeling this . . . I must be imagining things ... I'm overreacting ... I'm too sensitive...."

And this became the refrain of their inner dialogue over and over again until they no longer believed they were capable of defining their reality. They lost their sense of an inner authority they could turn to for guidance.

They started to feel that something was terribly wrong with them but they weren't sure what. All they felt was this terrible pressure to keep their perceptions hidden from others, to hide their true selves, lest they be accused of being irrational (read: "crazy").

And they found that one of the best ways to ignore or quiet that inner voice was by distracting themselves with food, fat, and dieting. They learned to respond to "gut feelings" by putting food in their stomachs as though the rumblings came from physical hunger.

Recovery from disordered eating involves reclaiming your intuition, that inner authority that provides knowledge and guidance. It involves learning to use your intellect to support rather than discredit information obtained through intuitive channels. It requires that you develop an appreciation of the wise, compassionate- ate guidance that is always available to you and that you choose to incorporate it consciously into your life rather than ignore it.

This old Russian story is about a king and queen who lived a happy life in a small kingdom long, long ago. The King took great

pleasure in having his knights perform mock battles and compete in games of strength and skill While this entertained him, he longed for an opportunity to go out into the world to test his skills and gain fame and fortune.

When word came to him of a cruel king from a distant country who was terrorizing a nearby kingdom, he decided that this was the opportunity he was waiting for. Leaving the Queen in full command of the country they had ruled together, he instructed his ministers to assist her in all things and gathered up his finest knights to head out to help defend his neighbors.

He traveled on and on, through forests and over mountains until he reached the land where the enemy king ruled There, he engaged in battle with the forces of the foreign king, only to be defeated and taken captive.

The King was hauled away and locked in among prisoners who we replaced in chains and treated badly. By day they were forced to

plow the fields. A t night they were returned, exhausted, to the prison, where they were given barely enough food to sustain them.

Meanwhile, back in the small kingdom, the Queen governed wisely. Her subjects were happy and well and the kingdom prospered.

But the Queen longed for her husband, and when the months became a year, then two, then three, she feared he might never return.

When at last the King had found a way to send her a message, she was overjoyed. Although he was held captive, she knew now that he was alive! In his message, the King asked the Queen to sell off their castles and estates and borrow as much money as possible, so that she could deliver a ransom of gold and free him from the wretched prison.

The Queen thought long and hard about the message. She wanted to free her husband as quickly as possible because she missed him dearly and knew that raising such a large sum of money could take many months.

"Then if I bring the ransom gold myself" she thought, "this foreign king might seize the gold and imprison me, too. If I send couriers with the ransom, who will I know I can trust? And what if the ransom offer is refused or seized? This ruthless king may not want to ransom a prisoner-or he may be so wealthy he will laugh at our amount of gold."

The Queen paced her chamber in despair. "If I do as the King requests, when he returns home, he will be poor and heavily in debt. The kingdom will be impoverished, and our people will suffer. "

She thought and thought until she could think no more. And then an idea came to her. She would journey to the distant land disguised as a vagabond minstrel a lute player, and she would rescue the King herself She did not know if her bold plan would succeed but she felt compelled to try it.

She was certain the ministers would be horrified by her idea and would detain her if they could. So she cut her long brown hair, dressed herself as a minstrel boy, and left a note that she was going on a journey. With her lute in hand, she slipped out of the castle eat night, with only the light of the moon to guide her.

As the Queen journeyed, she became thin and browned by the sun. The bright colors of her minstrel cloak became dusty and worn. In a little more than a month’s time, she reached her destination.

When she arrived at the palace of the foreign king, she placed her lute in her hands and began to play and sing a mournful ballad that expressed a great longing for her heart’s desire. So beautifully did she sing, all who heard her were touched by her lament. No sooner had the king heard her lovely song than he had the singer brought before him.

"Welcome, lute player," said he. "Where do you come from?"

"My country, sire, is far away across many lands. I wander from country to country, and I earn my living with my music. "

"Stay here and play for us, then. When you wish to leave, I will reward you with what you wished for in your song-your greatest heart’s desire."

After three days of charming the king with songs both merry and sad, the lute player came to take leave of the king.

"What do you desire as your reward?" asked the king.

"Sire, I would like one of your prisoners to have as a companion on my journeys. When I hear his happy voice as I travel along, I shall think of you and be grateful."

The king agreed to this and the Queen walked about among the prisoners. A t length she picked out her husband and took him with

her on her journey home.

During their travels, the King never suspected that this thin,

sun-browned minstrel could be his Queen. When at last they reached the border of their own country, the King said, "Let me go now, kind lad. I am no common prisoner, but King of this country. Let me go

free and ask what you will as your reward."

"Speak not of a reward," answered the lute player. "Go in peace.

The two parted and the Queen took a shorter way home, arriving back at the castle ahead of the King. She changed her clothes, putting on a splendid gown and a high silk headdress, to meet her husband.

The King greeted the excited throngs of people in the castle and then turned to his Queen and said reproachfully, "Did you not receive my message? 1 wasted for a long time in prison waiting to be ransomed! Now you greet me lovingly, but it was a lute player who rescued me and brought me home. "

The Queen had planned to tell the King the reasons for her disguise in the privacy of their chambers for she feared that he would be angry she had not sent the ransom money. But before she had a chance to reply, a spiteful minister standing nearby said, "Sire, the Queen left the castle when news of your imprisonment arrived, and she only returned this day. "

At this, the King looked stricken and sorrowful. He turned away to confer with his ministers, for he had thought the Queen had deserted him in his time of need The Queen returned to her chamber and slipped on her travel-stained minstrel cloak. She picked up her lute and went to the castle courtyard where she sang the verses to the songs, she had sung in that faraway land

Upon hearing the songs, the King rushed out to the courtyard, took the lute player in his hand, and announced, "This is the lute player who freed me from prison! Now, my friend, 1 will offer you your heart’s desire. "

"I ask only your trust and love, " said she, throwing off the hooded cloak and revealing herself as Queen. "And 1 beg that you hear my story. "

A cry of astonishment rang through the hall. The King stood amazed, then rushed to embrace his wife. She then explained why she chose to use her skill as a lute player to rescue the King.

The King rejoiced in the wisdom and courage of the Queen and, in gratitude, proclaimed a seven-day feast of celebration throughout the land.

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WOMEN’S VOICE: HEALING AND SINGING THROUGH CHANGE

These are some of my favorite passages in “Singing Through Change: Women’s Voices In Midlife, Menopause, And Beyond” by Nancy Bos, Joanne Bozeman And Cate Frazier-Neely.

 

— More and more, people have been questioning why relatively little is known about the menopausal transition and its effects on the mind, body and emotions. Compared to males, illnesses in women are more slowly diagnosed and often blamed on psychological weakness. There is also a well-known and acknowledged history of gender, ethnic, and economic-social bias in medical research which has yet to be righted. Thankfully, the situation is starting to improve, but we have a long way to go to correct the origins and centuries of neglect, mistreatment, and imbalance of attention to women's health issues.

In presenting this material, we’ve felt compelled to help others understand the history of ignorance of the female midlife hormone changes. We needed to do this, not only to understand some of the experiences of the older women we spoke with, but also to shine a light on instances where this ignorance is still holding women back from living their best lives, and in some instances, doing real harm.

For example, according to science writer Ada McVean from McGill University, in modern culture “when we say someone is hysterical, we mean that they are frenzied, frantic, or out of control.”14 However, historically hysteria was categorized as a disease. Its symptoms were similar to normal menopausal symptoms. From the Wikipedia entry, “Female Hysteria,” these included “anxiety, shortness of breath, nervousness, sexual desire, insomnia, fluid retention, heaviness in the abdomen, irritability, loss of appetite for food or sex, and a ‘tendency to cause trouble for others’”. Women in the mid-19th to early 20th centuries were sometimes forced to permanently enter an insane asylum or to have a hysterectomy. It was thought that removing the uterus would “normalize” symptoms. According to medical historian Louise Foxcroft, at least one Victorian gynecologist recommended tortuous remedies such as injections of acetate of lead into the womb to supposedly control symptoms. Other solutions included bleeding by application of leeches and frequent use of opium and other sedatives.

The word “hysteria” was dropped from the official Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders in 1980. At that time, sexist attitudes were still very high in all fields of western medicine. Women were subjected to innuendo, incorrect or limited advice, condescending behavior, and dismissiveness. The language for describing symptoms was not well developed, and many women didn’t know how to describe their symptoms. One of the women interviewed for this book, now in her 80s, said that when she was in her mid-40s, she told her gynecologist that three weeks out of the month she felt “like the molecules that are me are just floating around in space,” which sounds like brain fog. She then told him, “The week I get my period is the only time I feel solid, like myself.” His illogical solution? To perform a hysterectomy (surgical removal of the uterus), which at that time meant a two week stay in the hospital.

Thankfully, since then the medical field and culture in general, in many parts of the world, have made progress in understanding menopause and treating symptoms appropriately. But this isn’t the case everywhere. Shadows of ignorance and prejudice linger about the natural progression of the female life cycle. One positive change is that some scientists are calling for the removal of the word “hysterectomy” from medical vocabulary, to be replaced with “uterectomy," which simply means removal of the uterus. Their justification is that though the word hysterectomy is related to the Greek word for uterus, hysterus, the term uterectomy conveys none of the centuries of sexist beliefs that claimed that the uterus was the seat of female "hysteria.”

Now that we are beginning to understand and respect what women are experiencing, it is clear that the changes aren’t “all in our heads.” There are real biological and physiological processes happening to our bodies, minds, and voices, causing them to evolve. The more we know, the more we can help ourselves and each other.

The three of us together bring over 100 years of experience as vocal pedagogues, voice teachers, vocologists, and professional singers. We have taught every level of singer from ages 4 - 93. We’ve worked with thousands of singers. Yet, in writing this book, we each discovered things about ourselves that we didn’t know, and had revelations about our own vocal journeys.

For the first time, here is a resource for female singers that addresses issues they, specifically, may face as a result of menopause. It is the book we wish we’d had 20 years ago. We hope it helps women everywhere realize that they are not alone during this time of change, and that it provides guidance toward strategies that work best for them, if and when they are needed. We hope, also, that it offers insight to those for whom the journey is yet to begin.

— Paulie is an 81-year old retired psychotherapist and former athlete. Paulie didn’t actually start singing until she was 60 years old! Prior to that, she was a trained pianist, dancer, and physical education teacher before earning her PhD in psychology. She understands the discipline and curiosity required to learn and train brain function and coordination. Paulie revealed, “Movement and the routine of training have always been my safety net, my self-therapy to survive a very abusive childhood and parents.”

Paulie continued, “While I’ve had severe chronic pain, I’ve always enjoyed a robust immune system. I’ve had several sports injuries, resulting in three spinal surgeries, two knee and two hip replacements. My last back surgery was three years ago, and it wasn’t until that last major back surgery, around age 78, that my pain let up considerably.”

After Paulie’s divorce from a long marriage, she moved to a new city to live with a friend. Her friend is an active singer who introduced Paulie to groups to sing with. At age 60, she decided to start taking private voice lessons. “It was a great new beginning for me. I had no younger voice to compare to, so I couldn’t complain about my voice getting older!” She said that singing has been an antidote to pain. Considering Paulie’s many injuries and surgeries, this is a remarkable testimony to how singing can  have a strong effect on the brain and perception. She’s been singing the alto part in choirs ever since.

That year, in addition to the divorce, the move, and building new community involvement through singing, she also needed a hysterectomy: Paulie experienced a prolapsed uterus. This condition may occur when the muscles and other supporting tissues of the pelvic floor weaken and can no longer provide support for the uterus. As a result, the uterus can slip down into the vagina, or, in Paulie’s case, protrude out of it. “My uterus fell out of me one day while I was on the toilet. As I was wiping myself, I thought, I’m not supposed to have balls! What on earth is going on?” She had an emergency hysterectomy and had one ovary removed, “...but they couldn’t find the other one.” She was put on estrogen after the operation. “But I went off of HT due to some health scares that were being propagated in the early 2000s.”

“I am very focused,” Paulie said, “and practice consistently with a lot of joy. I have improved a great deal vocally. I am a life-long student who knows how to pursue interests; and since I could read music and appreciate all kinds of music, I enjoyed becoming part of a choir in order to form a new family and a new way of ‘belonging’ in my new life. I now sing in two regular choral groups and participate in a city-wide drop-in group in the African-American tradition. My voice has gotten better and better these past twenty years. I don’t have a beautiful voice, but it is very serviceable in an ensemble. I sing on pitch and with good energy. I take time off when I am not well or recovering from surgery and get right back into it.”

Recently, Paulie went through another major life transition when she moved into her own apartment to live alone for the first time in her life. It was very stressful. She lost her short-term memory, her concentration began to decrease, and she had several falls and minor car accidents. Her walking gait was off and she felt disoriented much of the time. She began working with an integrative health specialist who made recommendations to help her get her memory back, clear her brain fog, and regain her balance. Paulie thought about the potential treatments carefully and decided to proceed with individualized hormone therapy and other alternative treatments. In Paulie’s case, during that 6-month stretch she recovered her memory, her brain fog lifted, and her balance and gait improved. She has the light back in her eyes and feels more like herself again. And she’s still singing.

Paulie has significant insight into medication from her background as a psychotherapist and her extensive experience with medical issues and aging. Her perspective is that “The medical profession has, by and large, brushed off pre-and post-menopausal and aging women and sent them to psychologists. The ethics of my profession state that even psychologists and psychiatrists are supposed to help patients find physical symptoms first, before treating them with drugs. In other words, they are supposed to refer them to appropriate medical doctors first. This doesn’t happen like it should with midlife, menopausal, and aging women because few doctors really know the physical reasons for all of our complaints. Women, during my lifetime and before, have been given drugs and all sorts of cruel remedies for depression, anxiety, rage, feelings of craziness, hyperactivity, hypersexuality, low functioning sexuality, and spaciness. I don’t believe drugs should be given without also recommending therapies for emotional and social well-being.”

Paulie’s story shows that learning something new takes consistent work, realistic expectations, and a love of learning. Thanks to singing, Paulie has experienced tremendous joy and community connection for the past 21 years. As she mentioned several times, she knew she’d have to work at it and welcomed the new challenges. She is also an example of someone who utilizes both western and alternative medicine, integrating what her research and her intuition tell her to do.

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SUBCONSCIOUS HEALING : INTENTION, DECISION, AND ACTION

These are some of my favorite passages in “The Subconscious, The Divine, And Me: A Spiritual Guide For The Day-To-Day Pilgrim” by Joseph Drumheller

 

— The subconscious mind is a big and mysterious place. Negotiating the terrain can be a daunting task, especially if you’re in pain. There will also be times when healing can seem overwhelming, or on occasion, we just get stuck. Some of the most difficult times in our lives are when we forget or refuse to ask for help. However, none of us have to go it alone. In fact, healing is much more effective and swift with support.

Synergy is the fusion of energy that creates a result where the total is greater than the sum of the parts. It applies to countless situations in life and is especially true in healing. When someone helps you through the emotional liberation process, results seem to amplify 100 times over. Who can you turn to for help in subconscious healing? There is help out there! Practitioners specializing in this unusual world include energy workers, spiritual healers, shamans, sound healers, hands-on healers, hypnotherapists, and intuitives, to name a few.

How do you know if you have subconscious emotional charges? You don’t...until they come up. As far as I can tell, the timing behind healing is driven by a much higher intelligence than you or me. You can have faith in this intelligence or not, as that really doesn’t matter. Things come  up when they come up. When it’s time, it’s time.

Some emotional charges can lie dormant for years and present themselves when it’s least expected (or wanted). The funny things is, even after years of sleeping, recurring charges will have the thumbprints of the past all over them. You may find yourself saying, “I can’t believe this is happening again!”

When a charge presents itself, it is as if that charge is saying, “Hey! Here I am again. Don’t ignore me this time. It’s time to let me go!” They want to be healed! If you don’t pay attention, like Arnold warned, they’ll be back — only the next time, they’ll be bigger and much harder to ignore. They might even bring their friends. Since they won’t be going away permanently on their own, you might as well deal with them as they come up. There’s no time like the present. Keep reading to find out just out how to deal with them...so that you can give them one final, “Hasta la vista, baby.”

If emotional charges seem big, nasty, countless, and undefeatable, fear not and don’t lose heart. All charges boil down to a few “core” issues. In other words, no matter how overwhelming your situation may seem, you don’t have that many issues to deal with, maybe only one or two, or at the very most, a handful.

Surprisingly enough, because subconscious healing happens in a state of deep relaxation, it’s not as difficult as you may think. In a way, it’s effortless once you learn how. As your experience increases, you’ll discover that healing actually occurs in the blink of an eye. Furthermore, as healing continues, charges will decrease in intensity and frequency until eventually they’re gone entirely. That spells freedom.

The three most powerful forces in subconscious healing are intention, decision, and action. The application of these forces will set the entire universe in motion.

I like boats, so let’s use them in an analogy. Intention is the force of “what you want to do on purpose.” It’s like the rudder. It steers the subconscious to perform certain activities and directs it toward specific results. The better idea you have about where you want to go, the easier it is to get there. If you want to go fishing but aren’t sure of the best spot, you may just aimlessly float down the river. Maybe you’ll catch some fish or maybe you won’t. If you know a specific fishing hole where lunkers pool up, your odds of landing a whopper go up enormously. Clarity of intention is crucial in learning to navigate and master the subconscious arena.

Decision-making is the boat engine, the power that sets the subconscious in motion. Once you make a decision, the subconscious will do everything in its means to bring it to you (emotional charges and all!). The more committed you are to a decision, the more likely it is to come to fruition. Needless to say, having a clear intention (i.e. a strong rudder) can direct the strength of the engine more effectively.

Action is the driving mechanism that takes intention and decision out of the subconscious mind and generates them in the physical world. It transforms the engine and the rudder into a nautical adventure. Without action, the best-laid intentions and decisions either get left in the garage or sink to the bottom of the ocean.

In subconscious healing, the principles of intention, decision, and action are the same. For example, with cancer patients, my intention is crystal clear: heal subconscious emotions underlying and contributing to cancer. Clients provide the decision by coming to see me for help. Together, we implement a plan of action to heal the subconscious and hopefully the physical body.

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BUILDING RESILIENCE AND EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING

These are some of my favorite passages in “The Depression Relief Workbook: 6 Weeks To A Happier You.” by Melody R. Green.

 

— “It is your self-care techniques that will help support and build your resilience and emotional wellbeing. “

You are building an internal muscle in much the same way you may have built muscles and strengthened your core when working to physically improve your health. In some ways, this may be more important than your physical training because much of the success of your workout physically is impacted upon by your emotional and mental wellbeing.

See these exercises as necessary to build core mental and emotional well- being. If you see them as a chore, then they will lose their effectiveness. As a general rule, you will need about 5-6 techniques you can call on in any given moment. Some techniques will suit you better than others. There are 20 here, so you can choose what suits you, and it’s important to use them daily, so they become habitual.

Like learning anything, mental and emotional wellbeing needs to be practiced daily. This is why the weekly workbooks have been designed the way they have, with repetitive actions to help embed the habit in your lifestyle. Creating habits over the 6 weeks will help you elevate and maintain your mood.

1. The Power of Stopping

This is a superpower. You live in a fast-paced world where you have to multi-task and move quickly to simply keep in the game of life, or so it seems. But there is immeasurable power in slowing down or stopping, especially when it comes to the mind and the emotions.

2. The Power of Yawning

It was not until I started working with color healing that I realized whenever I worked with clients, I would move them to the next step and yawn. Initially, I apologized for seeming bored or sleepy but I was neither of those things, and finally, I could contain my curiosity no longer, so I asked my healing guides what was happening. They advised that to yawn is one of humanity’s greatest self-care measures because it has ‘magical’ properties.

Yawning, if done properly, can release stuck energy from the body and allow new energy to come into that space and clear up the problems, realigning the person being healed to their highest health possible at that moment.

3. The Power of Acceptance

“If what you resist persists then what you accept dissolves.”

This alone could make or break your newly-found practice of emotional and mental wellbeing. I was a late learner of this self-care technique. I wish I had come to it so much sooner! It’s so invaluable that I get my clients to try this in the top 5. Accepting what is in this moment is a real game-changer. It is your place of power. It releases you from the push-pull of the past and stops you racing to the future as a way of es- caping what is currently happening and... because you are only living in this moment, when you feel pushed by the past or pulled to the future through over-attachment to both, you lose your powerful NOW place. If you don’t find a way to be with the now, you are still going to find yourself in a similar difficult position tomorrow.

This is brain training 101. And while it’s a challenge, it is possible. I am living proof!

What’s required here is awareness. You need to slow the mind’s thoughts down so you can sift through them and catch your mind out when it goes on automatic pilot, whispering gibberish in your ear! The steps are to stop – slow down – listen – accept – let go. Remember, your mind is only trying to help and protect you. So acknowledge the good the mind is doing and then ask it to go count sheep for a few hours while you work through what you need to do without the mind trying to organize or self-sabotage you.

4. The Power of Deep Breathing

Most people do not breathe deeply so the lower part of the lungs tend not to get as much exercise as they should, and your breathing is shallow, making it harder to get the best results.

Deep breathing requires you breathe into the lower part of the lung, which naturally pushes out the diaphragm all around the body, stretching the muscles that hold the internal organs, pushing air to the blood- stream and cells and letting the organs know that new oxygen is coming in, which in turn reminds the cells to get ready to expel the poisons they are holding. Deep breathing is slow and steady. By consciously breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth, trying to expel all the last drops of air, it makes you ready for the next big breath in. If you could work up to 5 minutes x 3 per day, you would see a great benefit from this in terms of mental clarity, emotional calm and creative problem-solving. It’s worth the effort!

5. The Power of Tiny Movements

One thing I’ve learned through all of this work with depression and anxiety is that big and grandiose doesn’t work and can’t be supported long term. The real trick to finding greater wellbeing is in consistent and committed small steps or even micro-steps taken every single day, and this superpower tip is about tiny movements.

6. The Power of the Body Scan

Imagine you can MRI scan your body with your mind’s eye and as you do, your body lights up or goes dark at different points on the body. This is a bit like what an energy healer does. If they’re using clairvoyant skills, they will see light, shadows and colors over the body. If they’re primarily clairaudient, they will hear sounds as they scan your body or spiritual guides will tell them what’s happening and what needs to be done. If your healer relies on their clairsentient feelings, they will use their hands to scan the body and feel the discomfort on their own bodies. Their bodies are literally relaying your body’s irregularities. And rarely, you will find a healer that can smell or taste the dis-ease in your body. By practicing this power, you will be strengthening the connection between you and your body, so you can read information and support it to.

7. The Power of the Check-In

While the Body Scan was a check-in of your physical energy, the Check- In is a check on your emotional, mental and physical body. You will often find that when you are busy, your energy levels can drop quickly. Maybe you worked through lunch, maybe you had a run-in with a work colleague or felt disappointed or unsupported by someone you had re- lied on.

These daily shifts and balances impact on your energy field, especially if you are a highly sensitive person or an empath, and so it is vital to Check-In at least 3 times a day as to whether your energy levels are still high or do they need a top-up.

8. The Power of Meditative Communication

This is a style of communication that you share with another person you can trust, like a good friend. Emotions are contagious. So if you’re feeling depressed or anxious and you speak to someone who’s also worried or anxious, you can create imaginative scenarios that your mind will think are real because you’ve spent time discussing it repeatedly. The COVID-19 pandemic is a case in point.

9. The Power to Self-Soothe

** In her book, Melody shows how self-soothing is done.

10. The Power of Laughter

Laughter is a superpower and a natural medicine and mood enhancer when dealing with any congested emotions. ** In the book, will you learn some of the ways you can do this.

11. The Power of Singing Nonsense

Another superpower is to speak in rhyme or sing nonsense songs. A nonsense song is a type of song written mainly for entertainment using nonsense syllables at least in the chorus. Usually, it has a simple melody and a quick (or fairly quick) tempo.[1]

12. The Power of Your Own Voice

Your own voice is the strongest superpower you have. Let me say that again... Your own voice is the strongest superpower you have.

When you were a baby, you used the sounds your body made to communicate with others and to know you existed. You found out very quickly that when you cried, you got attention. As you grew into a toddler, you also learned you had to please others to receive love and being quiet was one of the ways you did that. Children who have been overtly censored by parents, careers or teachers to be quiet often have blocked emotions, poor self-esteem and lack confidence in some or all aspects of their lives.

Many of my clients have to learn to speak up, to let their voices out, to express who they are, be that in sound or the written word. Humanity suffers from having people who have a blocked Throat Chakra. Much of the anger and aggression that can be seen in the world is as a result of not being heard, validated, or recognized for who they are.

13. The Power of Transcription - using your voice.

Your inner voices, and in particular, your inner critic is often responsible for you feeling unhappy with yourself. One of the ways to give yourself strong, positive and amplified self-talk that supports your wellbeing is to take the meditation transcript and record the meditation in your voice and then upload on your listening device. You will find a selection of meditation scripts included in this workbook. Until recently, I would record these and add them as MP3’s, but recently, I realized it would be far more effective if you read and recorded them in your own voice so you can get the full benefit of listening to your voice in a loving, positive way rather than as the negative, inner critic. (See Chapter 11 for details.)

14. The Power of your Inner Cheerleader

“One of the problems humans have is the Inner Critic has had far too much airtime, while your Inner Cheerleader has been silenced.”

To help strengthen your Inner Cheerleader’s ability to claim airtime, you make a recording of your voice telling you how fabulous you are or a list of personal affirmations you can listen to daily. You will, over time, completely change the power of your inner critic, not by trying to eliminate it, but by building the voice of your Inner Cheerleader with positive emotions and directives.

15. The Power of Gratitude and Thankfulness

There is much that has been made of this superpower and many techniques to help you find the things you are grateful for. But the fastest way I know to get into the gratitude and thankfulness superpower is to thank or bless everything that passes your way. And I mean everything. The good, the bad and the downright horrible! Find a way of doing it in each moment and give thanks with a simple “thank you and bless you”. It is such a powerful mood changer.

You can’t be depressed when you’re focused on thanking people, because you’re interacting with people, you are not in yourself. Having said that, I tend to thank every part of me, even those parts that are in pain or criticizing me. My favorite thank you is to my inner critic.

The inner critic always speaks in absolutes. So, when it’s made a statement I say, “I absolutely thank you for pointing that out to me. I know you’re only trying to help, BUT I’m going to try something different and I’d appreciate if you would give me a few minutes to try this ________ (whatever it is that you’re trying to do). Go take a rest and I’ll call you back if I need you, ok?”

And if I can’t find a positive statement or my self-awareness goes AWOL then simply saying “thank you” three times seems to do the trick. Re- member, a lack of gratitude is often because we’re running at life rather than taking time to “smell the roses”.

16. The Power of Writing a Journal

Again, there are many ways this can be done and there are as many books and blog posts out there to show you how it can be done. The Artist’s Way by Julie Cameron is one of the best for creative types. But, before you rush to learn this new method, start with something simple. Ask yourself if you like to write things down. Are you a note-taker? A list maker? A writer of any kind? If you are – go ahead.

This superpower is yours. BUT if it’s a trial, a chore, worse than having your fingernails pulled out with pliers and no anesthetic, then let this go. It isn’t your superpower and its ok. There will be something else you can do instead.

17. The Power of Commitment to a Daily Practice

Especially when you are beginning something new or challenging, it may take a while for you to master it. I studied singing for 15 years, and while I was more than proficient at it – practiced even, in certain situations, as I had been a professional performer – it took many years of dedicated commitment to the daily practice of singing, scales, correct breathing techniques, body warm-ups, physical exercise, learning new roles, languages and movement before I could say I was proficient.

18. The Power of Meditation

Meditations are an excellent way to realign your soul, etheric bodies and your physical self. They help you build a self-awareness and mindfulness practice, both of which can help with managing your emotional wellbeing. There are many options on YouTube or phone apps.

19. The Power of the 7-Step Ground-In

This is such a useful superpower to have. It keeps you grounded and present in your body and is so simple to use that it is worth the effort to make it a “go-to habit” for emotional and mental self-care.

Place one hand on your head and the other on your heart and say aloud:

GROUND – ALIGN – CONNECT – PROTECT – SEAL – ENERGISE – BALANCE

Take a deep breath and release out. Remove your hands.

You will notice a clearer vision and a feeling of being more in your body.

NB: Once you have done this a few times speaking aloud, your body will recognize this instruction and you will be able to give the command – GROUND – and the body, mind, heart and spirit will come into alignment instantly.

20. The Power of the Body Wake-up

This is a tapping process that awakens and aligns the body. It’s effective on waking as we come in from the dream state or as a reminder to the body to become more present during the day, especially after a shock or emotional disturbance. The body goes offline, so to speak, when you sleep or when you are forced to by a shocking event, emotional reactions or mental overload. This is to protect your soul from danger. From your soul’s perspective, your physical body is like a coat. It can be replaced if it is no longer able to function for the soul’s use (this is what death is).

** In her book, Melody shows how this exercise is done.

21. The Power of Tapping Away Anxiety

Anxiety will block the connection between heart, mind and body, so having a tapping point you can use to help regulate your anxiety is an essential tool.

** In her book, Melody shows how this exercise is done.

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RAISE YOUR LOVE VIBRATION THROUGH SELF-LOVE

These are some of my favorite passages in “The Love Book: The Secret to Finding Your Soulmate” by Diana Palm.

 

— There is only one way to raise your love vibration...this is achieved through self-love.  True self love means honoring yourself enough to step away from unhealthy partners or relationships.  Self-love means that you heal your negative patterns before attracting a new relationship.  Self-love means that you are coming from a place of stability and a high functioning life of balance rather than from lack and desperation for love.

When you achieve true self-love, your love vibration will raise and you will attract more appropriate mates (who have also done the work to raise their love vibration).  This is the focus of my Manifesting Your Soulmate System and the work I do with private clients.  I help people discover their hidden love blocks from previous conditioning and genetic influences and gently heal them.  I reprogram their subconscious mind to release patterns of victimhood and lack while instilling new feelings for love, worthiness, and abundance.

My goal with this book is to help you to help yourself.  I will provide you with the tools to improve your love life and manifest your highest potential soulmate.

When your love vibration is high and you attract your highest potential soulmate, the energy dynamic of this relationship will differ from any previous relationships that you have experienced.  You will experience a relationship that is in alignment with your life path and your partner’s life path.  Both partners will thrive and your relationship will be healthy and strong.  You will find true happiness.

 — First, let’s differentiate between self-care and self-love.

Self-care is a commonly supported idea that involves different types of pampering and valuing time alone.  This may include meditation, relaxation, yoga classes, artistic creations, exercise, massage, spa treatments, and spending time in nature.

Self-care is extremely important to find balance and peace in your daily life.  It helps you to release stress, gain a better perspective on life situations and allows you to take a time out from the normal fast pace of life.  

Many generations previous to ours didn’t value self-care.  They were taught to be dedicated, selfless, and to sacrifice their personal needs so that family and others could survive or excel.  They were often taught to live a life of obligation, neglecting themselves for the people around them.  Self-care was devalued and not supported.  If you were raised in a family with these beliefs, you may have been made to feel guilty for wanting to take time for yourself.  You may have become accustomed to putting everyone’s needs before your own and this may have caused you to feel overwhelmed by life.  The messaging in these families may have taught you to play the role of martyr, sacrificing your own needs to make others happy.  If you have lived this way for an extended time, you may have many unfulfilled dreams.  This energetic imbalance could also lead to poor health.  

Self-care is essential to living a life in balance and giving yourself the love and nurturing that your soul craves.  It can help boost your self-esteem, give you time to reflect and find inner peace.  This inner peace will enhance your overall state of well-being and add significantly to maintaining your health.  Self-care is an essential factor in attracting love and a soulmate relationship.  When you put your needs last, your soulmate will not awaken to find you.  Making self-care a priority will attract your true soulmate into your life.

Now let’s talk about self-love and how this differs from self-care.  Self-love encompasses everything that self-care does but with an even deeper dimension to it.  Self-love exists below the superficial surface of self-care.  Many people think that self-care is enough to attract and keep love but it is only the first step.  If you are reaching for your highest potential soulmate then you must first embody self-love. Self-love is easy to recognize because you radiate kindness and confidence in your world.  You make choices that create financial and emotional stability in your life.  If this means that you need more education, you commit to it.  You eat foods that support the feelings of love you have for yourself and provide more energy, clear thinking, and a healthier body.  You may use personal care products that are higher quality, organic, and free of pesticides.  It is easy for you to make good choices in love and relationships because you are accustomed to making choices that are good for you in your other life activities.  You know what brings stability and growth to your life in healthy ways and you do not wait for someone else to provide it for you.  You recognize that if there is an area of your life holding you back, that you can heal it, overcome it, and achieve what you desire.  You reach out to advisors, mentors, and coaches to help you accelerate in every area of your life.  You are not afraid to take the necessary steps that lead to your happiness.

Self-love means that you eliminate toxic people and situations from your daily life and move toward positive people and situations.  You resonate with uplifting positive friends and thrive in projects that you believe in.  You know that you are a master in your own life and that complaining, taking on the victim role or being confused are signs of being out of alignment with your ability to love and value yourself.  You know how to become clear within, how to trust yourself and how to move forward.  You put your name on projects that you believe in and take chances that grow your soul. 

When you have self-love you can be gentle with yourself and forgive yourself quickly and easily so that you can move forward.  You can also forgive others quickly and retrieve your lessons from each situation without being victimized or feeling sorry for yourself.  The energy of self-love is a high vibration that doesn’t become stagnant.  It knows there is a divine timing to things and allows you to feel comfortable being able to let things unfold without pushing for quicker results. 

Self-love doesn’t chase dreams; it takes steady steps toward them.  Self-love doesn’t chase love; it radiates it and attracts it.

Take some time to think about how you have created space in your personal life for self-care and how you embody self-love.

** This wonderful book includes a Self-Care and a Self-Love Checklist!

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HOW TO RECOGNIZE AND TREAT MOLD SICKNESS

These are some of my favorite passages in “Break The Mold: 5 Tools to Conquer Mold and Take Back Your Health” by Dr. Jill Crista

 

— I wish I had known about mold when it really counted.

I missed mold—in my patients, in my family, in myself, and in my own home. I didn’t know how to recognize it, and I underestimated the damage it could do.

I wrote this book to myself, 15 years in the past. I needed this book back then. If I would’ve had it, I may have been able to save patients and loved ones from harm—from months of lost health, life, money, and joy.

I’ve learned a lot. I’ve got mold’s number now. I want to arm you with what I’ve learned; with the knowledge and tools you need to conquer the mold in your life. You’ll be equipped with proven tools to fight mold and win.  

You need mold solutions. This book has them.

Why else? You want to get better. You want a list of symptoms and cures. Of course. Hey, I’m an impatient learner so I get it. If that’s you, flip forward to PART 2—The 5 Tools. Check out the solutions.

But then I suggest you spend some time here in PART 1—Dirty Rotten Mold to gain a full understanding of mold. Learn what makes it tick and how to truly defeat mold so it never comes back. As one of the oldest living creatures on the planet, mold is an adept survivor. It has a tendency to come back again and again and again. You need to learn its weaknesses to conquer mold for good.

I’ve been there. I’ve not only worked with mold-sick patients as their doctor, I’ve been a mold-sick patient myself. I became an expert on mold the hard way, grinding through the day-to-day issues of dealing with the toxic effects of mold. I empathize with you if you’re finding this book as a victim of mold sickness yourself.

As a doctor, I worked with a fair number of patients with chronic fatigue and illnesses that nobody could figure out. That’s how I came to mold illness. I’m a naturopathic doctor, which means I’ve been trained to find and treat the cause of “dis-ease.” Why is that important? Because usually once the cause of “dis-ease” is removed, people get better. It can be quite elegant and simple. The body has an innate drive to heal. The tricky part is identifying the cause. Sleuthing out the cause is a large part of being a doctor.

Typically, using naturopathic principles to work with the body rather than against it is pretty effective. But I had this small group of “stuck” patients who didn’t respond to the usual things in the usual ways. These patients weren’t getting better. Not much changed from appointment to appointment, despite their hard work. Honestly, I was surprised they had enough faith in me to keep coming back.

Then one of those patients found toxic mold in his house—toxic black mold. And I wondered if that might be part of the reason he wasn’t getting better despite being 110% dedicated to his treatment plan. I wondered if that might be the reason the others were still sick. I didn’t know because I frankly wasn’t familiar with all the facets of mold sickness.

I hit the books and was shocked to find that mold was definitely the reason he wasn’t responding. The same was true for many of my other “stuck” patients. I was astounded. Even though I found a ton of research on molds, mold toxins, and how they harm living beings, I didn’t have a grasp of this in practice. Why? The reason is simple—lack of human studies.

The many research studies about molds and mold toxins (called mycotoxins) are related to animals and animal feed. People in charge of feeding livestock know about the risks. They’ve even developed mold mitigation techniques to keep their animals healthy.

But there’s been little funding to bring this research forward to humans and human impacts. With no definitive lab tests and no vetted treatment protocols from human research, doctors treating real human patients were destined to miss mold just like I did.

Little has changed in the decades since I became aware of mold and mold toxin illness. We now have better lab testing, but still very few human trials to test treatments. Even so, we can learn from the animals because many of the same rules apply to humans as animals. And we can learn from our elders.

Using my knowledge of science, historical treatments, and teachings from mentors, I developed methods to address mold in my “stuck” patients . . . and they improved.

— Killing mold is sort of like trying to clean a bear cage while the bear is still inside. You wait until it falls asleep, then tiptoe in to mop up the place, as quietly as possible with the least disruption . . and you never, ever “poke the bear.”

I’ve seen in practice that once mold knows it’s the target of your assault, it will dig in its heels and try to defend its territory, which it has now claimed as YOU. I’ve seen reactions such as raging sweet cravings, digestive bloating, terrible ear ringing, sleep problems for nights on end, and worsening fungal infections, to name a few. Stick to it as long as it’s not too hard. These are temporary annoyances. I know, they may be extremely annoying, but they mean you’re on the right track. Don’t be afraid to seek medical help from your doctor during the FIGHT phase, as you may need a little extra help.

It’s said that the best defense is a strong offense—totally true in mold sickness. To rid yourself of mold inhabitation, you have to make your body completely inhospitable. You have to kill mold two ways: whole-body and nasal. Nasal antifungals are targeted treatments that knock out the colonies residing in your sinuses. Whereas, whole-body antifungals clean up the gut and kill any mold that scatters when you hit the sinuses with your offensive. It’s best to have whole-body antifungals on board before beginning any nasal treatment.

To Win Against Mold, Use Whole-Body AND Nasal Antifungals Don’t Use One Without The Other

Herbs are incredible allies for this. Prescription antifungal medications usually have only one or two ways to hit mold. Not so for herbs. A single antifungal herb has many, many different weapons to kill mold. Not only does this make herbs effective mold killers, it also reduces mold’s ability to revive itself.

Mold is smart. If you only have one weapon, it’ll find a work-around to survive despite the treatment. This is called resistance. If antifungal drugs are needed, they can be combined with select herbs for a full assault, with the added benefit of reduced drug resistance.

Herbs usually also contain compounds that reduce side effects from dying mold. Many antifungal herbs kill mold and clean up mycotoxin spillage, and protect the liver, and repair the gut, and so on. I like using herbs because they have a low harm ratio compared to their efficacy.

WHOLE-BODY ANTIFUNGALS

To fully recover, treat your whole body with antifungal therapies. The people who don’t get better leave this piece out. Even though they’ve left the sick environment and completed nasal treatment, the mold comes back.

There’s a misconception that you have to have an active fungal infection in order to take these herbs. False. The truth is that even though colonization is not infection, mold colonies continuously seed mold spores and spit out mycotoxins. You can be sick from mold without having a fungal infection. And if you’re sick from mold, you need antifungals for your whole body so those spores don’t find a place to take root.

How long do you take whole-body antifungals? Until you are sure there are no more mycotoxins in your system—plus one more month for insurance. Mycotoxins come from mold spores. If you’ve killed all the mold spores and detoxed the mycotoxins, there shouldn’t be any more mycotoxins on your labs. If there are, you either didn’t do AVOIDANCE fully, or there’s still surviving mold somewhere inside your body.

The plants I discuss are safe enough to take long-term. For instance, Pau D’Arco and Holy Basil are enjoyed as morning tea in many cultures. With my patients, I rotate herbs every month or so to make sure mold isn’t figuring out a work-around. This also ensures that we aren’t taxing the body or creating nutritional deficiencies.

I’ve listed treatments in order of intensity and potential to create side effects, from least to most. Don’t mistake intensity with efficacy. Intensity has to do with the other actions a plant has that are not related to mold. The least-intense plants can kill more mold by being able to be taken more frequently. You’re in this for the long haul. Often I will use something less intense continuously and do bursts of more intense plants for shorter durations, for example, daily Pau D’Arco tea with bursts of Oil of Oregano three days per week. This is where the art of medicine comes in. Again, I recommend seeing a mold-literate doctor to discern what to do and when.

** A how-to, whole-body antifungal herbs information is included in this book!

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THE ESSENCE OF LEADERSHIP

These are some of my favorite passages in “Leadership: The Art of Inspiring People to Be Their Best” by Craig B. Whelden

 

 — Often, people find themselves lost or going in the wrong direction in their lives. They become depressed, angry, and unable to figure out how to fix their immediate circumstances. It’s like entering into a dark tunnel without knowing how long it is, or even doubting whether there’s an exit.

Leaders can play a strong role in helping people regain their footing and rediscover their way. Everyone enters one or more of these tunnels sooner or later. I’ve been in them many times, myself. Sometimes the tunnels are long, but more often than not, you can find an exit and things turn out just fine.

Sometimes… life even improves.

Patience, fortitude, and perseverance often win out. Having someone help you navigate through the tunnel also helps.

Young people in particular—many of whom have not faced a major crisis in their life—often struggle to see their way through these tunnels. Some decide to take the easy way out by taking their own life. Suicides are particularly tragic, as there is often light at the end of the tunnel, but the affected individual just can’t see it. I have seen this too often in the military—mostly with young people who simply do not have the long-term perspective that life can improve for them. My own sister took her life on Christmas Eve, 1999, a personal loss I’ll address more in the next chapter. 

Great leaders almost instinctively demonstrate how much they care about their people. It is part of who they are. 

Great leaders almost instinctively demonstrate how much they care about their people. It is part of who they are. Truly great leaders seem to know exactly when to apply this skill at the right moment and in the right way.

Let me relate a story of how I learned about the critical role that leaders play when it comes to guiding others through the dark tunnels of life.

Soon after I started my military career, I married my college sweetheart. I met her in the spring of 1972, when I was a junior at Purdue. After graduation in 1973, I went to Fort Hood, and she joined me in the spring of 1974, where she got her first exposure to military life.

Two years later, my marriage ended. I was 24 years old and was crushed. It was the first deep personal failure I had ever experienced, and I went into a very dark tunnel.

At the time, I was the maintenance officer for a tank battalion. One of my coping mechanisms was to invest any discretionary time and energy I had into my work. I spent many nights in the motor pool, sometimes doing anything to keep my mind focused.

One Friday night at about 7 p.m., when I was doing paperwork, completely alone except for the motor pool guards, I got a surprise visit. The Brigade Commander, Col. Jack Woodmansee, walked in. He was a former White House Fellow and a brilliant leader. He commanded roughly 4,000 soldiers, of which I was just one. From the point of view of a first lieutenant, the Brigade Commander was like God. Because he was many levels above me, we had never met.

Col. Woodmansee said he’d like me to join him in a walk through the motor pool. I was sure this was the perfect storm of bad luck: my marriage was falling apart, I was coping by investing my time in my work after hours, and now the Brigade Commander was going to inspect the motor pool… on a Friday night, no less. For the next 20-30 minutes, he and I walked up and down the tank lines.

Oddly, he never said a word about the status of maintenance, the appearance of the tanks, or anything remotely related to my job. Rather, he talked about challenges he had faced in life and how he got through them. He never mentioned my own situation, but when we finally got back to the front gate, he put his hand on my shoulder and said: “There’s light at the end of this tunnel; you just can’t see it yet.”

I later learned that my battalion commander had told Col. Woodmansee about a young lieutenant who was facing difficult personal challenges and could use some encouragement. That is what brought the colonel to the motor pool that Friday evening. Since that day, my memory has faded about a number of things and experiences, but that small but thoughtful gesture by a senior leader to a young officer buried deep in his own personal problems is seared into my memory like it was yesterday. I can’t tell you how much his short visit lifted my spirits. Somebody cared when I felt like nobody did.

One often feels alone when things are going wrong. I put that rock in my backpack, and over the past 40 years, I’ve applied this same tactic a number of times, with similar success, on young people I have seen struggling.

I recently learned of a story from a graduate course on leadership. On test day, the instructor handed out the exam with only one question: “What is the name of the janitor who cleans this room?” Nobody knew, and most thought it a joke.

It wasn’t.

Leadership is about reaching out to ALL of those in your sphere of influence and demonstrating that you care about them, personally. The janitor had a role in ensuring the room was adequately cared for, to provide a suitable learning experience for the students. All the students had been exposed to him throughout the course, but nobody had bothered to get to know him or to thank him. But true leadership is in the details of how you care for others.

Nobody passed the test that day, but they all learned a valuable lesson.

Finally, I’m reminded of a Chinese proverb that helps to illustrate that good can come out of bad; that there is usually the possibility of a light at the end of every tunnel.

An old man living out on the Chinese steppes raised horses. One day, his prize stallion ran away. A neighbor felt sorry for him and told him so. The old man replied: “How could we know it is not a good thing for me?”

A few days later, the horse returned and brought with it a few mares. The neighbor congratulated the old man on his good fortune, but the old man replied: “How could we know it is not a bad thing for me?”

His son decided to ride one of the horses, but the horse bucked and threw him to the ground, breaking his leg. Again, the neighbor expressed sympathy for the old man, but the old man replied: “How could we know it is not a good thing for me?”

A while later the Emperor’s army arrived in the area to recruit young men to fight in a war. Because of his crippling injury, the son could not go off to war and was spared from certain death.

This popular Chinese proverb really has a double meaning: that good can come from bad, but also that bad can follow good. The reader can choose what meaning works best for them, but I would point out that there is sometimes a silver lining in misfortune. We just need to have the patience and resolve to find it.  There is often light at the end of the tunnel. There was for me and there can be for you—and those in your charge.

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