WOMEN: VALUE YOURSELF AND BECOME A POWERFUL FORCE TO US ALL
These are some of my favorite passages in “Remove Obstacles to Experience Unstoppable Feminine Power: How to Stop Betraying Yourself and Live a Life of Grace and Passion.” by Laura B. Young
— Stop trying so hard.
It is a given that in today’s world, women have more freedom to experience success. Women, however, are more likely to expect success while using the template suitable for men’s strengths while ignoring their own strengths or minimizing them.
The template for success that has been used for eons addresses traditional male strengths. Their strengths of focus and linear thinking brings about an outcome that is predictable and controllable. This works well if you want to build a structure. You can estimate the cost, number of workers, how long it will take, and it is all based on a predictable formula. Not to take away from the masculine approach, because it has brought us leap years forward combining the miracles of science and the industry firsts and greats. It is however a limited view of success and insufficient for women’s needs.
Men need our strengths to help them out of this limited view of success. We must stand strong together for a world shift to occur.
Is it any wonder that this male-oriented approach discourages women? Women are left frustrated, thinking there is something wrong with them when they struggle to be successful. It is not that women do not have some of the masculine strengths - that is only part of the story. This masculine template does not include our gifts, strengths, intuition or creativity, to name a few of our gifts. So, to be fair, this method to gain success is inadequate because it leaves out 50% of the world’s available power to create.
— Your Power
The male version of power, although touted for centuries as superior, is insufficient and an incomplete model. If you doubt this statement, just stop a moment and ponder the state of the world, our country, our community. Take a good look. Do you think that if male power were able to solve these problems, we’d be in such turmoil?
Whether you feel a little power or a lot of power, the world needs you.
Women of the World Unite: The World is Crying Outside Your Window!
Our culture and conditioning values a very narrow version of success. Women are not encouraged to examine and value what they have to offer. Women are successful when they risk creating their own template, one that is authentic for them. I say create because the Feminine Power template is emerging. We are having to create it as we go.
Because there has never been a guide as to what feminine success looks like, we are still in uncharted territory; we are, however, moving towards completeness.
Feminine strengths that lead to success cannot be readily measured or controlled. Mostly when a woman becomes successful, she includes others in that success. She collaborates as she relates and creates a sense of community around her. Her intuitive, creative and spiritual gifts make a difference in the lives of others.
She does not do this in the male style of fixing problems or rescuing people but from a place of recognizing and encouraging other women to come and take their rightful place. No need for the Marlboro man to show up here - you know the drill… you don’t have to do it alone.
That said, we are creating a template that works for women as we go through trial and error in creating success in a new way using the feminine paradigm. The good news is that it is happening now! There are no clear goals for us as are inherent in the masculine template. We must hold space for the unknown vs. something that is fixed and tied into a definite ending.
We must cherish our intuition, our curiosity, flexibility and willingness, to name a few of our powerful inclusive traits. Women know deep within there is much more we can do and are acting accordingly. Knowing as we do intuitively, there is strength and power in numbers. As you reclaim your Feminine Power, including for success, our movement grows.
“Travelers, there is no path - paths are made by walking”. ~ Antonio Machada
Feminine Power is a force to reckoned with when it comes to things that cannot be controlled. There are many qualities innate to women that make them powerful if they want success. Some, but not all, include the power of their willingness to be a beginner, to be curious, to set ego aside when beneficial. Women have the power of their feelings, their wisdom and intuition, and emotional intelligence to name a some of the dynamic ways women create success. They are effective in negotiating because their strengths are in uniting people and not being divisive or exclusive to others.
I encourage you to claim the powerful strengths that are essentially yours in preparation for success. Once a woman values herself and feels worthy of success, she is a force, a power, to be reckoned with in any life arena.
Although you want this power, you may not know what to do first or next. That’s why I wrote this book – to help you know how to reclaim your Feminine Power. I say reclaim because we are born with it except in the case of severe illness.
Sometimes women are willing to be successful to a certain degree but are afraid to go after the big dreams. They have faulty beliefs that hold them back from a true level of success. These beliefs are in the unconscious and hidden from surface awareness. Much of our conditioning prevents us from being present and accounted for on the big stage of life.
We are conditioned to be nice… don’t make waves, fit in, don’t make others uncomfortable. All these sanctions make us tentative or hesitant to step up to be visible, to risk not being liked, in going towards what we desire.
More often than not, we acquiesce and find our power in the shadow of a man, a father, spouse or boss – I call that “Shadow Power”.
—What is your definition of success?
— What does your success look like?
— Do you feel worthy of success?
— Do you value women’s strengths as you approach success?
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be so beautiful, talented, gorgeous, and fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking, so other people will not feel insecure around you. This is not just in some of us - it is in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people the permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fears, our presence automatically liberates others. “ ~ Nelson Mandela, 1997
THE MIRACULOUS BENEFITS OF COURAGEOUS JOURNALING
These are some of my favorite passages in “Heal Your Self With Journaling Power” by Mari L. McCarthy
— Whether you’re dealing with health issues or other personal matters, courageous journaling gives you the opportunity to be bold, to be loud, and write down anything you want any way you want.
Remember, this is YOUR journal. Nobody is going to read it but you. You don’t have to be polite with your writing, and you don’t have to be politically correct. You can bring down the hammer and write anything YOU want that is bothering you.
Again, it’s the best and least expensive form of therapy. When you write about things that upset you in a hard, direct manner, solutions will start flowing back to you in the form of answers and action plans.
The key is to be brutally honest with your thoughts. In other words, be courageous! This is a great way to get things out of your system that you might otherwise keep bottled up.
The tremendous benefit of courageous journaling is that it allows you to get the words out without anybody else hearing them. So you don’t have to worry about filtering your thoughts, and you don’t have to worry about “saying things” to someone that you later feel the need to amend or apologize for.
This is an incredible tool when you have fierce issues going on in your life. We all know people who’ve kept quiet about what was eating them up inside, until one day they let loose and exploded with rage and anger they later felt embarrassed about.
Now, imagine if these people had instead emptied their rage and anger onto the pages of their journal. They’d feel so much relief inside, and they’d have absolutely nothing for which to apologize!
Have you known someone like this? More important, has this person ever been you? If it has, it never has to be again. Because now you can rant and rave whenever you need to...to Dr. Journal!
Are you angry with your boss or a co-worker? Let ’em have it in your journal. Rant and rave and spill your guts about how you really feel. Let it all out! Are you angry because you’re struggling with health issues? Pour your raw, honest thoughts into your journal. Remember, Dr. Journal is there to listen to you 24/7, and she doesn’t charge a dime.
Everybody gets angry and upset. It’s part of being human. What sets us apart is how we deal with it. We all know it’s never healthy to keep things bottled up, but it can be equally as unhealthy to explode emotionally and verbally rage in front of others.
On the other hand, verbally exploding into your journal can be courageous, combative, and incredibly cleansing! So go for it!
— When the issues in your tissues have you really worked up, there is a huge advantage to letting your rage loose on Dr. Journal, instead of flying off the handle during a personal confrontation.
When you have issues you know will eventually require a direct con- versation with someone, journaling about them first gives you the advantage of being able to collect and organize your thoughts. It also enables you to rehearse the thoughts, feelings, and words you need to communicate.
The benefit of this process is that when you finally do confront some- one with your issue, you won’t come across as an over-emotional mess who is shooting from the hip with a series of rambling and disconnected thoughts.
Journaling your rants before an inevitable confrontation also gives you time to pause and consider someone else’s point of view, or the other side of an issue you’re dealing with. Over time this can deliver a sense of ease, calm, and healing to you.
Ranting and complaining to Dr. Journal also gives you a tremendous chance to fiddle with your feelings and thoughts over a period of days after your initial pen-to-paper outburst. By doing this, you are not continually dealing with your issues and the people connected to them in a state of emotional upheaval.
Think of times in your past when you had an issue with a friend, lover, co-worker, or family member that resulted in a confrontation where both of you got emotional, shot from the hip, and said things you later regretted. Or, as most often is the case, you didn’t say things you wish you would have.
When you think back to these times (and we’ve all had many), wouldn’t it have been a great advantage to you if you had at least a day or two to first rant to Dr. Journal? Wouldn’t it have been a big help if you had first put your emotional rant on paper, and then taken a day or two to sort through your thoughts and feelings before you had a direct conversation with someone about the issue at hand?
Sure, there are some issues that confront us on the spur of the moment, and we have no choice but to react to and deal with them immediately. But the large majority of our issues are challenges we see coming ahead of time.
Spending some time venting to Dr. Journal (who doesn’t charge a dime) is a great way to work through your challenges before they lead to a confrontation with someone.
Plus, you’ll be in a much calmer, cooler state during your conversation, which can provide you with a big edge if you’re confronting someone who’s never heard of Dr. Journal.
— Courageous journaling gives you a fantastic way to write things down you might not want to say out loud. You don’t have to be polite, proper, dignified, classy, or politically correct. You can just let it rip!
Not only CAN you do this, but it’s important that you DO! Be brutally honest with your thoughts and feelings and let them pour out. The more honest you are with your writing, the more helpful Dr. Journal becomes.
When you are real and authentic with Dr. Journal, she will reward you by sending back answers, solutions, and action plans that are equally real, honest, and authentic.
In addition, when you are true and honest with Dr. Journal, you’ll realize that all your thoughts and feelings have value. And when you commit them to paper you will truly realize this.
Then you will have the power to choose whether you want to express these thoughts and feelings publicly with one or several people. You will also be able to decide if you need to keep certain thoughts and feelings to yourself, and just learn from them.
Another benefit of being open and honest with your rants is that you can look back on them and learn. For example, when you read your courageous journal entries from six months or a year ago, you will notice things like...
— I’ve come so far in this past year because I learned so much from my rants.
— I notice I only half committed to the action plans I said I would take six months ago.
— I no longer hang out with the people who motivated my rants last year, and I’ve made new friends and I feel energized.
— Gee, I seem to be ranting about the same damn things as I was a year ago, and I’m hanging out with the same people and repeating the same old patterns. I need to get on the ball and address this!
This is a great example of why you shouldn’t hesitate to rant your raw, unfiltered thoughts to Dr. Journal. Let’s face it, they’re in your head so you may as well write them down.
This way, when you look back in your journal you’ll be able to see if your rants from a year ago are the same ones in your head right now. On the positive side, you’ll also be able to see if last year’s rants are a distant memory you’ve learned from and left in your past as you’ve moved on to bigger and better things.
KNOW THY YOUR UNIQUE SELF
These are some of my favorite passages in Shine: When Chasing Sacred Spaces Goes Dark by Jamie Weil
— One of the key concepts we can teach our children is that their role in this world, their unique fingerprint, is different from anyone else’s. We each have a unique gift to bring to the world that breathes outside tribal thinking, family of origin, and all the constructs we try to throw over our newborns as we dress them in binary clothes and give them toys we want them to play with because that was done to us. It’s what the tribe expects. Imagine what each child, given the permission to really shine who they are at their core, would be if allowed to do this for themselves. Because we are students of the lessons taught, this can be hard to accomplish, but imagine what the world would be like if we moved forward in that direction.
If you could be anything, if anything was possible, what would you be? Sometimes we ask this question to children who often parrot back what they feel is the acceptable response. I remember this question from my own youth. I often told everyone I wanted to be a lawyer because that seemed to make people react positively in some way. Had I admitted I wanted to be a writer, or that I could actually have a main job as a writer, I’m not sure I would have gotten the same encouragement.
For this reason, I am a huge advocate of mentoring. When I was in middle school, I had a counselor who believed in me and gave me a vision I did not have for myself. As an adult, I have made an effort to pay that forward with my children, with my students, and with young people I have mentored along the way. One of those people is Ellie.
Ellie came to a book signing for my book First Break. Her Grandma Ellen brought her. About a month later, she sent me an email and told me she wanted to get into UCLA as a transfer student and asked if I could take a look at her admission’s essay. This began the process of me learning about Ellie’s uniquity, her amazing spark as an artist. She was a storyteller, first wanting to tell stories with tattoos on skin, and then wanting to tell stories with paint on walls. She wanted to tell stories that were hard to tell, and she had an ability to do it. Over the past four years of watching Ellie emerge into what I see will be a world-famous muralist and university graduate, the first in her family, I am convinced she will make the world a brighter place with her art. She has already started mentoring others and continues to recruit mentors to help herself. It’s a beautiful cycle.
One of the books I give to almost every person younger than 25, and found it myself about that age when I was working at a high-paying job in law firms where I was miserable, is What Color is Your Parachute? This bible to understanding your strengths, talents, weaknesses, what matters to you, and basically what you should be doing with your life, has been updated so many times I don’t even know what version it’s on and it doesn’t matter. When I read that book, it gave me what I think is missing in trying to figure out who you are and your life purpose. It gave me hope and vision about my place in the world.
We are not taught this in school, or at least I wasn’t. Our education system always seems to have its own identity crisis, which I really noticed during my Master of Arts in Teaching work. Nobody seemed to be able to agree on the simplest things like how to teach children to read or how to teach them math. The theories were always changing. Camps of people lined up behind walls of whole language, phonics, new math, old math, whatever textbook companies were pushing. Discovering who uniquely you are? Well, the curriculum didn’t allow time for that.
Instead, that would have to be found in all the extra-curricular junk we throw our kids in with the hope that something will stick (or, worst case, they will have a strong college application with four years of something that looked like they liked it) and they can find who they really are that way. Then, one thing leads to another, and pretty soon they find themselves waking up to a whole new reality as Shadyac and Carrey did.
Circling back, Shadyac had an awakening when he traveled the world making “I Am.” It helped that he was able to have the world classroom, that he had the money to go and talk to all the world’s luminaries and in that time and sacred space, really learn that as a species, we are naturally about collaboration, not competition, as he’d been taught. He’s got a new gig now, surrounded by young mentees, back in the film space in a new state, but with a different flare based on his conscious awakening about what’s important and who he is, a new sacred space emerging.
Who are you? What is your calling? These are such hard questions; one friend shudders when I ask and changes the subject immediately. Distraction is much more comfortable for her in the short run, but I keep asking because I feel deeper happiness and joy lies on the other side of that awkward wall, and we want to get there. This isn’t just for your own happiness and joy, but that of the world, because as we’ve seen, we’re all connected. When you take a moment to really ask yourself those questions and get to the answer, you not only help yourself, you help all of us – and all of us we really need you deeply.
Light Lift 6: Know Thy You-nique Self
This is a starting point. Take this free character survey to determine your key strengths. It will take about 20 minutes. There is an extended survey you can pay for, but the free test is quite sufficient to start. Next, buy What Color is Your Parachute? and do the exercises there. I’ve bought that book for nearly every mentee I’ve ever had, including my own children. This link will get you to the survey: https://www.viacharacter.org/reports
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— Intuition can transform your world. Enter into your intuition with curiosity, a beginner’s mind wanting to learn. Love yourself. Be graceful, letting your perfectionist take a nap while you play.
I’m now a huge proponent of these crystal tools and use them to incubate dreams, deepen meditation, give to friends, and aid in past-life regression and future-life progression (for myself and others). They increase intuition and smooth the edges on dreams. They deepen meditation. As we all carry energy, so do they, and perhaps this is why. I try not to get too hung up on the why. I’m more interested in what works.
There is an abundant supply of tools out there, courses to take, books to read, workshops to explore to increase intuition if this is something that appeals to you, as it does to me. In the meantime, become a student of your own reactions in your body to things. That will teach you so much.
Don’t expect cheerleaders. I have yet to find many of those in my life who encourage me to trust my intuition and recognize how strong it’s become over the years. The few I have are priceless gems. Do expect critics and doubters. I have plenty of those. Don’t let them dim you down. Remember, their skepticism is about them, not about you. Be your own cheerleader. Keep practicing and know that by developing your intuition, you’re making the world a better place.
HOW TO HEAL YOUR SOUL
These are some of my favorite passages in “Whispers From Another Room: A Mystic's Journey Into the World of Spirit” by Joy Andreasen
— Healing of the soul has been around for a long time, though it is sometimes labeled differently. When I was going to church it was called “inner healing.” In shamanism it is called “soul retrieval.” This is the term that originally sparked my interest in the type of soul healing that I do.
I first learned the term soul retrieval many years ago when my husband started attending spirit circles with medium Terri Rodabaugh. At one particular circle we attended, we took my stepdaughter along, who was fairly young at the time. Terri would go around the circle and connect with dead friends and relatives and Spirit Guides to bring each participant a message from the spirit world. During this particular circle, Terri suggested that my stepdaughter could benefit from a soul retrieval. She explained that normally soul retrievals are performed by a shaman. I was intrigued.
After the circle, I went home and ordered five books on shamanism and soul retrievals. We also searched for a shaman but found that there were none close by, at least that advertised on the internet. About halfway through the first book, I had what I guess would be a spontaneous past-life memory or an ‘aha’ moment. I knew without a doubt that I had done soul retrievals before but not in this life, and not only that, I knew how to do them.
Ecstatic at this discovery, I jumped up and ran inside to give Clay the good news. Honestly, I was not really sure how he would react. Only recently had I revealed to him that I could hear Spirit talking to me and that I have had the gift a long time. Now I was going to tell him that I thought I may have been a shaman in a previous life and I thought I knew how to do soul retrievals. I should not have been surprised that he was completely supportive and encouraged me to try to find a teacher or whatever I needed to do.
At first, I had no success finding a teacher or classes in the area that fit into my budget and worked around my day job. I was not deterred from my determination. I began to call on friends and family to allow me to do “journeys” for them (another shamanic term for the altered state of consciousness one goes into to perform this healing). For about three years I practiced on family and friends. Eventually some friends of friends began to contact me as well as acquaintances, or people who somehow found out about me. Another medium, Susan Lynne, began to call on me to help with some of her clients. Mostly I was doing the healings for free or a very small fee. I had not had any formal training and was not comfortable charging the rates I saw other shamans charging.
Looking back, I feel that it turned out to be a good thing that I was listening to Spirit and performing the healings with only the guidance of my guides and the instructions I had read in the books. When I finally took some classes, some of the techniques I had been using were discouraged or forbidden. However, I have learned to trust my Guides, and I had gotten good results using the techniques they taught me.
So exactly what is a soul healing or a soul retrieval?
I mentioned in a previous chapter that many times what is often mistaken for a ghost, is actually trapped emotions that have gotten imprinted in a particular location. In those times when you experience trauma or an extremely emotional event, pieces of yourself, whether you call it your soul, your emotional body, your essence or your energy field, get separated from your physical body. These pieces can get trapped in physical locations or somewhere in the non-physical realm. We also sometimes lose pieces of ourselves to other people.
When I do a soul healing, I enter an altered state of consciousness through drumming, rattling, or other repetitive music, or even with no sound at all, and Spirit takes me to where the soul pieces are hiding. I can also retrieve them from other people, places, or time periods. Many people find extreme changes in their lives after a soul retrieval.
Every session I have with a client will be different. I am completely led by my Spirit Guides in the process. I have no set expectations for how a session will unfold. Many shamanic practitioners have a format that they adhere to when going into the non-physical worlds. My sessions are a bit different. Sometimes I follow the format and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I don’t know I am going to do a soul retrieval until I get into the session with the client. Sometimes I retrieve the soul pieces and then recount the stories of the soul pieces before placing them back into the body of the client. There are times when I lead them into a light-altered state of consciousness and they are able to get their soul pieces back themselves. This is always done with the presence and participation of my Benevolent Helpers and the Helpers of the clients. Either way, healing comes.
Recently I worked with a client who had suffered from a string of failed relationships. We had been working together for quite some time over this pattern, but it seemed to continue, despite the work that we had done.
In preparation for her visit on one particular occasion, I was told in meditation to do a session in which the client would exchange soul pieces with past lovers. We had done this on a previous visit, but I decided that if Spirit wanted us to do it again, we would follow Spirit’s instructions.
I found that one of the past relationships involved a man who was very controlled by his mother, which the client confirmed. I believed that the mother was trying to reignite the relationship and was unconsciously or consciously doing some sort of manipulation of energy to reconnect her son to my client.
Using remote viewing, I went into her house and asked my client if the mother had a decorative box of some sort that had belonged to her. She confirmed that she had given it to her as a gift. I had to extract my client’s essence from this and any other items that had belonged to her to prevent any manipulation of energy causing distress to my client. My client confirmed she had felt a dark presence lately in her home and felt it was related to this past lover, as sometimes she would awaken and feel his presence. I conversed with the mother’s soul and asked her to desist from whatever she was doing. It was important to allow her son to make his own choices, despite her feelings that he was making a mistake. I also requested that she cease her activities involving my client.
In this case, I worked with my client’s higher self and her combined intuitive ability with mine, to retrieve the energy that was missing in her physical body. When I retrieved the soul pieces, I asked her higher self to heal the soul pieces before returning them to her body. After the session, the client later reported that she had gone home and slept for almost four hours. She had felt a release and a complete change in her energy.
Yes, at this point in my life, I do believe it is possible to manipulate someone’s energy without their permission, as I felt this ex-lover’s mother was doing. She may have been doing it consciously or unconsciously, but her intentions, or prayers, or whatever she was doing, were having an ill-effect on my client. These are things I cannot know until I go into an altered state of consciousness during my sessions with clients. My Higher Guidance System gives me the information and then tells me what to do to correct the situation.
I would like to stress though, that these healings can be undone through the choices of the client. If I heal a piece of a client’s soul that was lost or damaged due to a toxic relationship but the client continues in the relationship, the healing will be short-lived. Soul healing, many times, is like peeling the layers of an onion. One healing session is often not enough to reverse years of trauma or repetitive disempowering behavior.
There is also the possibility that the client is in some way benefitting from the toxic behavior. They think they want healing, but when faced with the possibility of having to live without the toxic person or behavior, they revert back to the toxic behavior. Soul healings are a collaboration between the healer and the client. A client has to be committed to their healing. They have to be committed to changing their behavior once the healing is complete.
This is not a miracle procedure. Healing of the soul is a process. It is kind of like losing weight. An overweight person can diet and exercise for a while and lose weight but if the everyday behavior is not consistent, the weight will come back. Weight issues by the way, can also stem from emotional issues that can sometimes be corrected with soul healings. But eating is a habit and once the healing occurs, the habit of eating badly or not exercising has to be reversed.
One healing practice is that of talking to the souls of people with whom you have not experienced closure. This is done by going into a state of meditation or a light trance and imagining the person is standing in front of you. You are actually connecting with that person’s soul or essence. Although the conscious awareness of that person will probably not acknowledge the communication, on a soul level the person will hear you. Spirit told me years ago that the best way to do this is to wait until the person is asleep, but I have found that is not always necessary. The important part is the communication itself. Tell the person what you may not be able to tell them if they were actually standing in front of you. Tell them the down and dirty truth of how you really feel—not how you think you are supposed to feel, or how an enlightened or spiritually aware person should feel. Just let it all out.
Then forgive.
Forgive yourself for your part in the relationship, and forgive the other person for their part. At some level, there was a soul agreement, before birth perhaps or in another place and time, when you both agreed to the experience.
Then let it go.
Sometimes, miraculously, the person with whom you communicate receives the message and acknowledges, or in some way receives the communication. But more importantly, you are changed. You have let go of the poison inside and admitted to yourself the truth of how you feel.
THE POWER OF TIMELESS WISDOM
These are some of my favorite passages in “Put Comfortable Shoes in My Coffin: True Stories of Faith, Family, and Fortitude” by Jennifer McCloskey
— My dad loved to “tinker,” in his garage, fixing things that once might have been thought to be useless. He enjoyed the art of finding more efficient ways to perform difficult tasks, and he loved organizing his tools, hardware, nails, screws, and bolts, most of which he kept in lidless mason jars.
One day, he brought me into the garage to see a wooden bunny he had created on his jigsaw. He replicated it after one he had purchased from a local craft fair. He had sanded the wood and painted it just like the bunny from the fair and had coated it with varnish to make it shine. Being young, I didn’t realize the importance of what was about to transpire over the next few minutes. Dad showed me how he was able to carefully cut the bunny from a plain piece of wood and how he had attempted to match the professionally crafted bunny, perfectly. He explained the method he used to paint the bunny, and how he had even included a ribbon for its neck, just like the original. He was so proud of his work, I didn’t realize he had found a new talent and would likely craft many more bunnies for the family. “Which of the two bunnies would you like to have?” He asked me, smiling.
To this day, I regret my response. I answered the way a child would, yet I find little solace in this fact. “I’ll take the original bunny.” The original was perfect, the paint was done with exact precision, the ribbon was bright, and the bunny face was very realistic. realistic. Dad’s is great, just not quite as perfect, I want the perfect one, I remember thinking. Dad handed me the original bunny, smiling, “Here you go, honey,” he said without the slightest hint of remorse. But he never made another wooden bunny.
Looking back, I think my actions took the wind out of his sails. Years later, after my father had died and I had matured quite a bit, I found the original bunny in a box. In that moment, I realized that I would give anything to have the bunny my dad had crafted that day in our garage. The original bunny just looked cold and sterile with no character, no life, no twisted ribbon or glamorous paint job.
I searched for my dad’s bunny, but never found it. Even today, the original sterile bunny sits on my dresser, not because I like it, but as a reminder to love what those around me make and do for me, even in their imperfections. I’ve learned that it’s the imperfections that make those things perfect.
— The morning after my father passed, my mom sent my husband, Keith, and me to the funeral home with specific instructions, “Give the funeral home director Dad’s favorite blue suit and his beautiful dress shoes, but in the coffin have them put his favorite and most comfortable slippers,” she said as she gently handed them to me.
I thought, perhaps, since Dad died of cancer, his feet may have been swollen and his shoes might not fit properly, but I was curious as to the actual reason she wanted him to have both. When I presented the clothes and two pairs of shoes to the funeral director, he was not at all surprised. He nodded and said there would be no problem. When I returned home, I asked Mom why she had sent two pair of shoes for my father.
Whenever something unexplainable would happen, or an unpleasant event would occur, like when a child would become ill, my mom would always say, “Put comfortable shoes in my coffin!” I always wondered what she meant. On this day she explained.
She had always believed when you die, you walk the “last mile,” with your maker and discuss with him the times you separated yourself from him. She believed you were accountable for those times, and in that last mile you were also shown the light and understanding of events from your past. Mom believed you could talk to God and ask him about events in your life, why people died, and even, why sometimes it appeared as if we were abandoned by God. She knew it was then, that you would gain a deeper understanding of God’s plan. In her mind, she expected that my father may have to walk the last mile, and she wanted him to have the most comfortable shoes for his journey into paradise.
Mom has many questions for God and believes her walk will be long as a result. She has asked her children to place comfortable shoes in her coffin one day, and by doing so, we will be guaranteeing her a comfortable walk on her inquisitive and anticipated last mile. Sometimes things may not make sense to us now, but in God’s time, she knows they will. So, to my children, in the hopefully very far future, please, put comfortable shoes in my coffin, too.
— Mom would always tell us, get dressed every morning, put on your lipstick, and comb your hair. After my father passed in 1992, we were hopeful Mom would continue this practice; thankfully, she did. Every day she takes a bath, puts on her lipstick, and brushes her hair. These little things have helped keep Mom in her daily routine, which has helped to keep her blood pressure in check.
The daily bath is her decompression time. She thinks and plans her day, while she soaks in her tub. She comes out refreshed and ready for the world. People often ask my mom, “How are you still alive at ninety-eight years old?” She corrects them by saying, “I am ninety-eight years young.” To Mom, attitude is everything. She believes she can, so she can.
Dale Carnegie teaches to live by the three “C”s. Mom has adopted this mantra. “I make sure I never criticize, condemn, or complain,” she says proudly. “Well, I try not to,” she adds while smiling. My children, her other grandchildren, and her great-grandchildren witness her example and they too choose to live by the three “C”s. Mom believes you live by the three “C”s for others, not just yourself.
One afternoon, we went to renew Mom’s driver’s license and they asked her if she wanted to be an organ donor. “If I can do one last thing to help someone else, so be it,” she responded. “Yes, sign me up,” she replied cheerfully! She is always giving, always thinking of others.
Attitude is the backbone, the baseline, the foundation, from which everything else is measured. Mom always believes everything will be okay. “I am in greater hands than my own.” Attitude means mind set and outlook. Our attitude is based on our experiences, our appreciation, and the lessons we take from these experiences. Everyone’s experiences are different, yet everyone’s attitude is a reflection of their personal resolution of the circumstances which surround them. My father always said, “The pessimist curses the wind, the optimist, hopes the wind will change, and the realist adjusts her sails.” My mother’s attitude is not one of cursing, not one of wishing, but one of action, resulting in sheer delight.
FREE FROM DOUBT — FREE FROM FEAR: KNOW YOUR INNER BEING
These are some of my favorite passages in “Personal Sovereignty: A Journey To Freedom – The Temple Of Understanding” by Adrian Emery
— On the personal level, each and every being has a personal law which guides it from within. This is the biological plan: that inherent wisdom passed down through the ages that we inherit at birth and gives us access to the codes of life. This personal law is unique for all of us and describes who we are. To know and to follow this personal law is clarity and the path to a successful life.
We return to the notion that at our core we are not inherently bad or fatally flawed but divinely good. We have received from mother nature, from the biological plan, from the 4.6-billion-year evolutionary process, an intrinsic ability to know what is right for us. We just need to be able to tune into and listen to our divine inner nature.
Man has received from heaven a nature innately good, to guide him in all his movements. By devotion to this divine spirit within, the self attains an unsullied innocence that leads it to do ‘right’ with an instinctive sureness, with a sense of certainty, with that power of conviction that bespeaks authenticity and authority.
However, humanity no longer has the absolute instinctive certainty of ‘the wild’. We must develop our own individual ability to listen to and obey the dictates of our own inner knowing and to choose what is right for us consciously. This is the whole point of being human – this is the destination and fulfillment of the evolutionary journey.
Yet, not everything instinctive is nature in this higher sense of the word, but only that which is right and in accord with the will of heaven. Without this quality of rightness, an unreflecting, instinctive way of action brings only misfortune.
Thus, the plot thickens. We no longer have automatic access to the biological codes as in the wild or the Garden of Eden. We must exercise free will choice, yet we cannot just act instinctively and without thinking, plus, we now have the distracting forces of self-doubt and fear robbing us of inner clarity and causing confusion. The ten thousand years of the ‘fall of man’ cultural encoding and social conditioning all create confusion and bewilderment.
For it is vital to realize once again, here, that the cultural encoding mechanism tells us on a daily basis and from every quarter – from parenting to religion, from social media to mass media, that we cannot trust ourselves; that we are inherently wrong, flawed, fallible and failing and that we need the injunctions of religion, society, and civilization to ‘save’ us from our bestial natures. In other words, if we do listen to our inner selves we will be wrong. If we do act from inner impulse, we will be destructive. If we are true to ourselves, then we will be rejected by others.
Nowhere are we encouraged to believe in ourselves, to obey the dictates of our inner being, to listen to the still quiet voice of God that resides within, to have faith in our free will choice decision-making ability and to decide for and by ourselves, free from external influence and persuasion.
With the incessant noise and din of the pressure and pace of modern living and with the perpetual broadcasts of mass media and social media conformity, how can we possibly find the silence to listen to our inner beings? Added to that is the destructive pernicious influence of the negative ego deliberately trying to lead us astray. Is it any wonder clarity is such an elusive thing?
For to achieve clarity one must be still! One must silence the ‘yammering’ of the negative ego’s left brain and enter into that state of inner quietude. One must be composed, serious and reverent if one wishes to acquire that clarity of mind needed for coming to terms with the confusion of external daily reality and its innumerable impressions. One must be content and at peace with oneself. The negative ego is never at peace with itself but is always comparing.
This is why all the great mystery schools and all religious training involve some aspect of the practice of contemplation and meditation. Without the ability to concentrate one cannot focus and achieve clarity. We must be free from the din and confusion, the turmoil of outer life in order to be free to access the peace and tranquility of inner silence, bringing order out of chaos.
For it is only in this state of inner composure that we silence the dominance of the negative ego and allow the spirit to speak through the intuition. It is through this process and this process only that we can go back to a correct functioning of the healthy state of consciousness where the ego is the servant and the spirit is the master.
It is only through the discipline of concentration that we enter the meditative state whereby the lower, noisy, beta brainwaves of the rational thinking bio-computer make way for the higher, more subtle, alpha brainwaves of intuitive awareness.
It is a personal choice! And in many ways, it is our only choice: to listen to the ego with its constant demands for attention and gratification or to listen to the Tao with its call to do what is right.
— One must take the time to get to know oneself. One must set aside time for peace and solitude with no mass media noise, no electronic screens, and no significant other present. One must befriend oneself in order to know oneself.
This is Clarity. This is how we ‘know’ what is right for us: free from doubt, free from fear, free from the influence of the negative ego, and free to follow courageously, decisively our own inner being.
DEATH — REBIRTH — TRANSFORMATION
These are some of my favorite passages in “Love, Loss, Light: Illuminating the Path Through Grief” by Karen Trench
— Like you, I have made decisions that required a certain amount of courage—important decisions made at critical junctures that have steered the course of my life. Those were the times when I voluntarily walked to the cliff’s edge, looked over, and with little or no trepidation, jumped— confident of a safe landing. When I was in control of my own choices, taking that leap of faith into the unknown tended to be easier. Plus, I had a firm understanding and appreciation of the transformative powers that resided within each and every big decision I made as my life unfolded.
But I never chose to lose Charlie. That decision was made for me, as the loss of your loved one was made for you. When I did lose him, I didn’t walk fearlessly to the cliff’s edge, look down into the chasm, and leap, with the assurance that I would arrive at the bottom relatively unscathed. Quite the contrary. I arrived at the edge the same way you did: Grief dragged me kicking and screaming, and then, without warning, pushed me.
As I plunged into the abyss, I tried to bargain with God. I offered up apologies, promises, and vows for past, present, and future actions if He would but spare me the agony that I knew awaited when I crash-landed. But He turned a deaf ear and a blind eye, and allowed me to sink deeper and deeper into the pit of my sorrow.
When I hit rock bottom, it wasn’t pretty. Three months after my loss, I returned from the first of several trips to the East Coast to visit my mom and some of my dearest friends. But I was returning to an empty house, and I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t bear the truth that Charlie would never again be home to greet me with a hug and a kiss. I ran into my garage and sequestered myself in my car to spare our two cats the trauma of hearing me wail, and now I laid across the back seat sobbing in anger and disbelief, until I exhausted myself and my tears ran dry. As I grew quiet, I began to appreciate the profound silence and the feeling of protection and safety that my car afforded me. I curled up in a fetal position and closed my eyes. As I began to doze off, I was struck with a sudden awareness. It was this: Either I could continue to fight against my new reality and remain in a state of incredulity, anger, and disbelief; or I could take my boxing gloves off and attempt to reconcile with the truth that God would not be bartering with me or sparing me my anguish. There was no escaping my plight, and the more time I spent resisting what had happened to me, the more time I would spend suffering. My choice was clear. I called a truce and surrendered to God, and it was there, in the back seat of my Subaru, where my salvation began.
Once I made the choice to align myself with Him and to place my complete faith and trust in Him, Universe, my archangels, and guardian angels—as soon as I opened my arms and my heart wide enough to “allow” them to help me with the hard work of grieving—amazing things began to happen. God began leading me to the exact people I needed to meet or see. He led me to the books I needed to read, to the words I needed to hear and write, and to the life lessons I needed to learn. It all moved me further down my path of grief and loss and aided me exponentially in my healing. The process of surrendering became inextricably linked to my transformation. I realized that if I was to become a butterfly, I would have to leave the caterpillar stage. I would have to completely give up my former life. And once I began to change, there would be no going back.
It’s impossible to carry the mantle of survivor without also carrying the mantle of transformation, for they are two sides of the same coin. This holds true whether we’ve endured and survived a life-threatening illness or accident or the death of a loved one. And by its very nature, being a survivor all but guarantees that we are not the same person we were before our trauma. There is no way we could be, for our survival has enhanced us—it has conferred upon us gifts and blessings: greater emotional or physical strength and fortitude, resilience, and self-confidence; a deepening of faith and self-awareness; a deeper love and compassion for self and others; and a far greater love and appreciation of life than we ever had before. To quote psychologist Susan Powers, PhD, from her book Ruthless Grieving, “Grief takes a hold of you and shakes all the “not you” from you, and what is left is so much closer to who you really are. So you shouldn’t want to be the same, and you are not, but in so many ways you have a chance to become more whole and more deeply yourself.”
Not only did Charlie’s death transform me in all the ways I outlined above, but his passing also gave me the impetus and the courage to resurrect my writing career. I take pride too in my ability to manage my home and finances, two challenges that when confronted, many widows find daunting. However, the most meaningful and profound transformation has been the deepening of my spirituality and spiritual practice. Beginning in the weeks preceding his death and continuing beyond it, I believed strongly that I was being guided by God and held in the arms of angels. Knowing that I still am and will always be guided is the greatest source of peace and comfort and the greatest blessing that has been bestowed upon me since losing Charlie. Grief transformed me into a spiritual seeker, and I look forward to spending the rest of my life discovering!
Whether we arrive at the cliff’s edge on our own terms or on God’s, the outcome is the same: transformation! Perhaps the likelihood that we’ll crash and burn is far greater when we are pushed over the edge, versus going there willingly, but we must take heart. We can learn from and be uplifted by the legend of The Phoenix, the bird who, after living five hundred years, burned itself on a funeral pyre only to rise again in a blaze of glory. We too can rise from the ashes of our pain and suffering and be completely reborn and made anew. Death. Rebirth. Transformation.
FORGIVENESS: DO IT FOR OTHERS AND FOR YOURSELF
These are some of my favorite passages in “The Choice is Yours: 52 Choices for Happier Lives” by Barbara Dahlgren
— If you google the word forgiveness, you will find a myriad of studies showing that those who master the art of forgiveness live longer, healthier lives. This means that psychologists, doctors, and scientists are embracing an idea considered mostly theological in the past. According to the Mayo Clinic website, here are a few of the health benefits of forgiveness:
- Healthier relationships
- Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
- Less anxiety, stress, and hostility
- Lower blood pressure
- Fewer symptoms of depression
- Lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse
- Stronger immune system
- Fewer negative emotions like anger, bitterness, and resentment
So, forgiveness is a good thing. God has forgiven us, and God admonishes us to forgive others (Colossians 3:13, Ephesians 4:32, Luke 17:4). However, in the words of C. S. Lewis, “Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea unless they have something to forgive.”10 Therefore, formulating a forgiving attitude is easier in theory than in principle. You know, easier said than done!
It might be a little easier to foster forgiveness if we know what forgiveness is not.
Forgetting
Forgiveness is not Forgetting. Forgetting can possibly come with time, but it doesn’t happen in an instant—like some sort of spiritual amnesia that kicks in when we say the magic words, “I forgive you.” Our minds just don’t work that way. Asking someone to forget child abuse or injustice is unrealistic. Dealing with it is one thing, Forgetting it is quite another.
Trusting
Forgiveness is not automatically restoring total trust. Suppose a dear friend betrays confidence but says, “I’m sorry.” You can forgive the friend for the harm he caused, but to immediately trust him again with a secret would be foolish. Trust is like a bank account people build with you. It might be wise to only give them as much as they have deposited—especially if they have misused your trust before. When they wipe the fund out, they start from scratch. Trust is built gradually and given when a person proves to be trustworthy.
Condoning
Forgiveness is not condoning what was done. It doesn’t approve of bad behavior. I remember when my daughter was in a group setting, and someone told an offensive joke. As jokes go, many times we don’t even know it will be inappropriate until the punch line. She did not reproach the individual, but neither did she laugh. The joke teller came over to her later and apologized privately. He was waiting for her to say, “That’s okay,” but she didn’t—because it wasn’t okay. What the guy did was offensive. However, she did say, “I accept your apology.” Granted, what many of us must forgive runs much deeper than an off-color joke, but the principle remains the same.
Pretending
Forgiveness is not pretending you weren’t hurt or upset. That would be denial, not forgiveness. Wearing a fake smile and pretending something didn’t happen doesn’t make it go away. “Smile though your heart is breaking” may make dandy lyrics, but it won’t keep your heart from breaking.
Preventing Accountability
Forgiveness is not preventing someone from being held accountable. One could forgive a thief who stole from him, but the thief might have to do jail time just the same. Choosing to testify against a thief in a court of law doesn’t negate forgiveness. Your testimony could prevent him from stealing from someone else. Behavior has consequences. Escaping consequences is not always in the best interests of people.
Reconciliation
Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Reconciliation can grow from forgiveness, but it isn’t the immediate result. You don’t instantly say, “Okay, now we’re all friends again. Let’s be happy.”
Weakness
Forgiveness is not weakness. It doesn’t mean you let everyone walk all over you and take whatever life dishes out. You don’t have to be a martyr for the cause. You can be a forgiving person and still say no.
Restoration
Forgiveness is not restoration with full benefits to a former position. The prodigal son was indeed welcomed home by his father. They killed the fatted calf and partied ’til the other cows came home, but his inheritance was gone. He shot his wad. It could well have been a case of “we love you, dearie, but you spent your money, honey!”
Conditional
Forgiveness is not something you do just so God will forgive you.
That’s like doing the right thing for the wrong reason, such as repenting just so you won’t go to hell. God doesn’t want us to be good just so He won’t zap us. He wants us to do good from the heart. This is one of the main differences between the old and new covenant.
Earned
Forgiveness is not given only to those who apologize or earn it. Most of the people you might need to forgive may never acknowledge they’ve done you wrong. Perhaps they don’t even care. We can’t play the “if only” game. I would forgive them “if only” they would say they’re sorry or admit what they did. Sure it might make forgiveness easier, but it doesn’t give us license not to forgive if they don’t. Christ’s example teaches us this. “Father, forgive them. They don’t know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34).
Easy
Forgiveness is not easy. God has forgiven us, and we need to forgive others, but no one said it would be easy. Most worthwhile endeavors are not easy. However, God is willing to aid in this process if we ask Him for help. Fostering forgiveness becomes easier when we know what forgiveness is not—and we ask for God’s help.
So what is forgiveness? Forgiveness relinquishes us from feeling we are justified to retaliate, get even, seek revenge, or have an “eye for an eye” mentality.
Consider this. All of us at one time or another have had someone betray us, hurt us, emotionally wound us, or do us wrong. Humanly speaking, we think we have a justifiable “right” to hurt back or retaliate. When we forgive, we relinquish that “right.” We let God take care of any vengeance He thinks should take place (Romans 12:19–21). We trust God to take care of it in His way and in His time.
On the surface, forgiveness appears to be a selfless act, but it really isn’t. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves as well as others. Sometimes the person we are forgiving doesn’t even know it. Sometimes a person knows it but doesn’t care. It doesn’t matter. For in relinquishing the right to retaliate, we trade caustic, self-destructive elements such as anger, resentment, and bitterness for peace. We can cross over from being a victim to being a survivor. We can get on with our lives. We can stop the past from dictating our present or future.
Forgiveness is the first step on a journey to healing. It doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a hard and sometimes long process but truly worth the effort. Fostering forgiveness benefits not only our physical life but our spiritual and emotional well-being as well. Forgiveness is a win-win situation. When we do it for others, we are really doing it for ourselves.
** In her book, Barbara gives us some great suggestions for practicing this choice!
