THE HEART HOTEL: GRIEF, LOVE, MEMORIES, AND GOOD TIMES
These are some of my favorite passages in “Experiential Action Methods and Tools for Healing Grief and Loss-Related Trauma” by Lusijah Darrow and Janet Childs
— The death of a loved one Is part of the human experience. Despite the universality of experiencing loss, the felt grieving process is unique to each individual. It is impacted by the nature of the relationship, whether in romantic partnership, as a parent or child, and the circumstances of death of the loved one. For example, loss after Illness, sudden death, or suicide creates unique aspects to grief responses. Complex or ambivalent feelings that were present in the relationship carry over to the grieving process. Issues that were unresolved in life have run out of time and can no longer be resolved. In addition to more expected reactions of sadness, loneliness, and isolation, there are grief reactions that form the basis of what is called 'complicated' grief that include anger, guilt, frozen memories, and unresolved issues. Talking about the issue does not necessarily create integration of new insights. The action methods presented here effectively work to change narratives around the most difficult grief issues.
Intellectually, we all know loss is part of life, and yet the strength of the grief experience Is unexpected in intensity. People who begin attending the grief groups are initially overwhelmed, experiencing intense acute-stage grief. Compassionate normalizing of the intensity of feelings and issues is an important start towards working on grief issues.
People in grief experience difficulty In bridging the gap of their own intense feelings with friends and/ or family who have not had the experience of loss. It becomes clear to those grieving that our society copes poorly with death as something to be feared and pushed away. Everyone who has experienced loss has heard well-meaning statements of friends and family that are just not helpful. "He's in a better place,' mat least she didn't have to suffer longer," or "isn't it time to move on?" may be well-meaning but are completely disconnected from the experience of the bereaved. The societal discomfort with death means that friends and family often don't know how to support someone who is grieving, creating isolation for those who have experienced loss.
Often the loved one who has died was interwoven into the life meaning of the survivor or had a role as a life ballast. There is a sudden vacuum, the person providing companionship and support is gone, and there is loss of purpose related to how the survivor had previously organized his or her life. On top of dealing with acute grief issues, life-meaning issues have often collapsed. Recovery from grief includes envisioning and taking steps toward creating a different life that has meaning to the client. We provide suggested action methods to support clients as they move beyond acute grief into a new normal.
Faith, lack of faith, and loss of faith Influence the grieving process. People who have experienced loss and who have an active religious or spiritual practice seem to have an easier time. Beliefs about life after death, specifically the continued existence of the soul, are comforting. In our experience, people who do not have religious or spiritual practices often experience a profound sense of absence or emptiness and face existential questions related to their own human mortality and the meaning of life. A common theme is fear about the life and contributions of their loved one being forgotten. These are huge questions.
The death of a loved one can shake the foundation of faith, creating a sense of being lost at sea, as beliefs and expectations are shattered. Chapter 16 on faith and the grieving process presents ways to support and comfort those with and without a defined religious or spiritual belief, and those who are experiencing a crisis or loss in faith.
This essence of the loved one is part of the survivor on a cellular level through stored memories and feelings. When clients are sharing happy memories, they smile. When activating these memories, it is as if they are re-experiencing them in the present moment. The biological mechanisms that store the knowing of the loved one, feelings of connection and love continue to exist. The survivor can and does experience memories of how the loved one spoke, their sense of humor, how they dressed, what they liked to eat, and how it was to be cared for, touched, loved, and kissed. They can connect with a felt sense of love, care, and wisdom of the one who has died. As will be seen later, this is a powerful resource in coping with grief issues. Survivors can call forth the wise and supportive voice of their loved one in the here and now. In the grief groups using action methods, clients were not asked to theorize what the loved one might say; they were asked to step into the role of the loved one and speak from their voice.
The methods presented in this book support bereaved individuals to stay connected to the sweetness of shared experience and to honor what was good in their relationships. There is a bitter/sweet integration in grief—sadness in conjunction with remembering and honoring memories, personal growth and life experience that only occurred because of the place of the deceased in their life, and gifts of the relationship that are carried forward. Clients want to remember the stories and experiences they had with their loved one, and to honor what the deceased brought to their own lives and the lives of others. The grief process is an integration of tolerating the pain of loss with what was good.
Family and friend networks generally cannot deeply hold and provide support for the extended grieving process of another. It is useful to seek counseling, and group work offers benefits that individual therapy cannot. Sharing stories that are heard and supported by others with similar experiences reduces isolation. Issues of grief are fully unpacked and individual stories are held by others with empathy and tenderness. Group members see hope in other group members' steps towards recovery.
We present in this book a process toward working with grief that encourages individuals to acknowledge, express, find action steps, and reconnect with others. Each chapter contains material that can be used as handouts for specific acute grief topics and associated experiential action methods that have been used in grief groups and individual therapy. Many of the exercises, methods, and information material are placed in specific chapters, yet have broader applications for other grief/trauma topics. We encourage readers to use these tools where they will be helpful.
— The Heart Hotel —
One of our clients said it very well:
My heart is like a hotel. Everyone I love has a room in my heart hotel. When they die or go away, no one can take their room in my heart hotel. I can fill up the empty room with the love and the memories that neither death nor separation can take away. However, I can add new rooms to my heart hotel as I meet new people to love and care for.
This is the work of grief—to let go of the pain, trauma, and grief and keep the love, memories, and good times. It is like a sifting process. It takes time and patience and understanding that you are a normal person having a normal reaction to an abnormally stressful event. In our modern society, great emphasis is placed on what we do as a gauge of our worth as human beings. When we experience change, loss, or transition in the work environment, it can have far-reaching effects on our personal lives and our self-esteem as well as our beliefs and values. Dealing proactively with change in the workplace and in our personal lives can be a key factor, both in individual and team performance, and job satisfaction.
WE ALL WANT TO BE HAPPY AND PEACEFUL
These are some of my favorite passages in “Healing The Heart And Mind With Mindfulness. Ancient Path, Present Moment” by Malcolm Huxter
— Some of us live with great psychological freedom, at case and with joy. For many, however, it is not easy being human. Most of us find the realities of ageing, sickness and death difficult to bear. We often don't get what we want, get what we don't want, and are parted from people or things that arc dear to us. Many of us experience intense mental or emotional distress. This may take the form of hopelessness, des-pair, anguish, anxiety, depression, grief, sadness, dread, worry, panic, frustration, confusion, exasperation, shame, harsh self-criticism, rage, terror, loneliness, boredom, humiliation, embarrassment, guilt, or an overwhelming sense of meaningless. We may also feel uncomfortable with less intense feelings such as alienation, irritation, annoyance, ungratified cravings, uncertainties and insecurities. For those fortunate enough to have a comfortable life there may be a subtle dis-content that holidays or weekends must all come to an end and that pleasant experiences do not last.
The difficult experiences described above can all be referred to as dukkha. The word dukkha comes from an ancient Indian language called Pali. Dukkha is often translated as suffering but the word 'suffering' does not fully capture the meaning of dukkha. The `duk' of dukkha refers to not being quite right, not good. The `kha' refers to the space of the hub of a wheel. Dukkha literally translates as a badly fitting axle in a wheel.
This description of dukkha as a 'difficult grind' or a 'wobbly wheel' is probably best understood as unsatisfactoriness. Dukkha includes a wide spectrum of experience, from the intense and traumatic to the very subtle, and is a part of life. Being human involves the reality of dukkha. We differ only in the degree and intensity of our experience. Those people who are suffering with what our society calls mental disorder arc merely at a more intense position of the dukkha spectrum. Nobody wants or aspires to dukkha. We all want to be happy.
I have worked as a psychologist for well over 20 years and every person I have met in my professional capacity has wanted to be happy. Every individual has been presented with some form of dukkha and they have all wanted to be free from it. They have all aspired to psychological freedom. Mindfulness is a practice that can help individuals find relief and freedom from dukkha. One way of describing mindfulness is: remembering to be attentive to present moment experience with care and wise discernment.
I became interested in mindfulness and related practices when I was a teenager. In 1974 I was 18 years old and I wanted to be happy. I worried about the Vietnam war, the nuclear threat, the pollution of the planet, my health, and the fact that I would, sometimes or other die. I was a worrier. I discovered that if I thought things through realistically and I avoided intentionally harming myself or others it seemed to help with my worries and concerns. Attending art school and also traveling throughout Australia and nearby Southeast Asia I met with people from different cultures and learned about different philosophies and ideas and was introduced to Buddhism. I started attending Tibetan Buddhist meditation retreats in 1975. Meeting Tibetan meditation masters had a profound effect on my perception of the world and myself. The teachers of these retreats were masters of many skills including logic and reason. Thinking clearly was one way I learned to deal with the many challenges of life and late adolescence. There were times, however, when reason and logic did not help. Nonetheless, I persisted. One day when I was reasoning my way through a worry, I heard the sound of a bird. The sound was so beautiful that it completely absorbed all my attention. I noticed the subtle nuances and the changing qualities of these notes of life, and peacefulness arose in my heart. The peace did not last, of course, but from this experience, I developed confidence that release from worry was possible.
In 1976 I met an English-born Theravada Buddhist monk (Ven. Khantipalo) who reinforced my understanding that through mindfulness and present centred awareness I need not get lost in worry and rumination. From then on I aspired to psychological freedom and this became my most important desire and life direction. Not only could mindfulness lead to personal freedom but it could also provide the presence and clarity of mind to most effectively negotiate and deal with concrete problems in the world. I decided to ordain as a Buddhist monk in 1977. I travelled to Thailand and practiced in the Theravada traditions of North-East Thailand. The monastic life was intense and involved training in an ethical lifestyle, the cultivation of attention, mindfulness, and the development of wisdom. The experience of being a monk left a lasting impression on me and gave me a perspective on life where ethics, mindfulness and wisdom were essential on the path to psychological freedom.
When I returned to Australia two years later I trained and worked as a Shiatsu therapist. Shiatsu is a body therapy based on working with Chi or energy meridian systems as utilized in traditional Chinese and Japanese medicine. Working as a Shiatsu therapist and trainer provided an opportunity to cultivate compassion and mindfulness, a livelihood aligned with my life goals and aspirations. I worked with many individuals presenting with a wide range of physical, emotional and mental conditions. In my work as a body therapist, it became evident that non-cognitive, non-talking body-oriented therapy could resolve many mental and emotional problems. Part of this healing seemed related to how body therapies encouraged present centered awareness. I didn't learn about contemporary psychological approaches such as Behavior Therapy (BT), Cognitive Therapy (CT) or Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) until I began university in the mid-1980s. Though lacking any overt reference to ethics many of the principles described in these contemporary approaches seemed very similar to some of those I had learnt in both Tibetan (Mahayana) and Theravada Buddhist traditions.
I began working as a psychologist and developing mindfulness programs in 1991. At this time mindfulness and meditation were not yet understood or accepted within mainstream health settings so the programs I developed and ran were referred to as 'stress management programs. By the late 1990s, some mindfulness-based therapies were gaining credibility as supported by scientific evidence. By the end of the first decade of the twenty-first century, many contemporary psychotherapeutic approaches referred to mindfulness as a key therapeutic factor. These approaches were coined the 'third wave' therapies by one prominent psychologist because he thought they had advanced in many different ways from the earlier conventional practices of BT and CBT (Hayes, 2004). Mindfulness has become increasingly popular in contemporary psychology in the last 20 years and now there are many different third wave therapies. The foundational third wave therapies include: Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction or MBSR (Kabat-Zinn, 1990), Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy or MBCT (Segal, Williams and Teasdale, 2002), Dialectical Behavior Therapy or DBT (Linehan, 1993) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy or ACT (Hayes, Strosahl and Wilson, 1999).
Currently, mindfulness is regarded as a meditation practice, a coping skill, a mode of being, and a key factor in therapy. It is both a therapeutic stance used by therapists and a skill that can be taught to individuals seeking treatment, therapy, life coaching, and stress management. Mindfulness can be learned individually or within-group settings and is not limited to any one particular mental, emotional or spiritual approach. In the fields of health, therapy, and neuropsychology, the overwhelming evidence is accumulating to suggest that learning mindfulness and related practices improve health and wellbeing.
In its adaptations to Western health services mindfulness has had to, understandably, be free from many of the religious and cultural additions these teachings had acquired over the centuries. The ways that third wave therapies frame and teach mindfulness are different from the ways in which I learned these skills in a traditional Buddhist setting. Nonetheless, I am enormously grateful to the research practitioners and third-wave therapists who have served to make mindfulness and related practices a validated approach to mental and emotional health and wellbeing. I also appreciate the ways in which they have creatively explained and taught these skills and related concepts to our Western culture. Without these adaptations, mindfulness may not have emerged from the domains of Eastern religions and gained credibility in contemporary psychology. I have used many of the strategies and ideas developed by the third wave therapies to great benefit. In this book, I integrate the benefits of contemporary psychology and ancient Buddhist psychology.
BODY LANGUAGE AND GAINING ADDITIONAL AWARENESS
These are some of my favorite passages in “Give Back the Pain: Emotional Healing Through Source Completion Therapy” by Dr. Robert Bleck
— The effects of stored stress on our human bodies has been well researched, documented, and acknowledged.
Stashed tension has been proved to gnaw away at our internal organs causing such ailments as headaches, backaches, muscle tightness, gastrointestinal discomforts, and high blood pressure. Some current research has even pointed to stress as a factor in arthritis, heart disease and cancer. So, stuffed feelings not only result in torturous diversionary behavior, but may take a physical toll on us as well. When that occurs we often panic, scramble to doctors, seek out remedies in an effort to quiet the shouting of our bodies. However, by that time it may be too late to reverse the physical damage. We would be wise to listen to the subtle whispers, clues and messages our body is saying long before hidden feelings cause us injury.
As with dreams, in its effort to release unresolved feelings, our subconscious is trying to penetrate our stubborn conscious by communicating through our bodies. Through the subtle dialogue of our body we can achieve tremendous cognizance of what lies within us.
Each Saturday morning for the last three years, 34-year-old Mark awoke with a choking lump in his throat and his legs trembling uncontrollably. Visitations to doctors proved fruitless and frustrating, since they could find no physical reasons for his Saturday morning afflictions. Deciding “it was time to get to the bottom of this,” Mark entered SCT and began his journey into awareness ...
It was Saturday morning and the chattering of the birds served as little Mark’s alarm clock. His tiny legs shook with anticipation as his father walked into the room. Reaching out his hand, Mark’s dad signaled that it was time for their weekly walk. As Mark’s little fingers were swallowed up by the strength and size of his father’s hand, he felt enveloped with love. Hand in hand they marched off to the corner coffee shop for their special Saturday breakfast.
He loved the shop and felt so comfortable there. It was one of those homey little luncheonettes that peppered the streets of New York. When they arrived Mark knew that they would be warmly welcomed by the owner and the regular customers. Mark loved the attention and was proud to be with his father.
As soon as they opened the door the lovely smell of frying bacon filled Mark’s head. Immediately, he dashed to the counter where he could see the cook at work. Swivelling the top of the anchored stool to get a clear view of the grill, Mark watched the eggs bubble and the bacon shrink. That made him hungry.
Today was the only day of the week he could eat anything he wanted. So, he always chose to start with his favorite, a vanilla milk shake. The owner would pour the ingredients in a wide-mouth chrome cup and place it under a huge green and silver mixer. As the blades whirred, Mark wet his lips in anticipation. When the blending was complete, the owner placed a glass on the counter and poured in the delicious mixture from the cup. Since the blending cup held more than the glass, the owner left the extra for Mark to enjoy. Beaming, Mark knew that he would be able to polish off exactly 2½ glasses of this luscious drink. Saturdays were truly special. Mark had everything he could want; his loving father, his favorite drink, and a lifetime of fun to look forward to.
When Mark was 10 years old, his father died unexpectedly from a heart attack. Special Saturday breakfasts were no more, and Mark’s sweet world was shattered. After the death of his father, the singing of the birds never seemed to reach his ears ... At age 34, when Mark sought the source for his trembling legs and knotted throat, I asked him to listen closely to his body. As I asked him “What are your legs and throat saying?—What are they trying to tell you?” Mark began to hear the messages clearly.
“When my dad died I saw how crushed my mother and sister were. I tried to be strong for them. I cried just a trickle at the funeral, and did my best to keep back my tears and be a comfort for them. I now realize that I never gave myself the opportunity to grieve for my dad. Although I missed him terribly, I never allowed my tears to flow. So, as each Saturday, the day of the week I spent with my father, approached, my tears would accumulate as this ball in the back of my throat. My shaking legs spoke of their desire for the Saturday morning breakfast walk, and their inability to make such past pleasures possible. I know now that I must deal with the loss of my father, which occurred over 20 years ago.” Mark listened to his subconscious through the messages he received in his body. Becoming aware of the hurts he never grieved, Mark allowed himself to purge his stored tears, and fully mourn the death of his father. Although still pleased by the fond memories he has of his dad, Mark’s legs no longer shake and the lump in his throat is gone. Best of all, according to Mark, “I once again hear the sweet singing of the birds.”
If your body consistently exhibits movements or gestures that go beyond its normal functioning needs, talk to it. Ask the parts what they’re saying. Although you may not get immediate answers, perseverance will certainly increase your chances of gaining additional awareness…
SUFFERING IS A CHOICE
These are some of my favorite passages in “Rise Up and Awaken to the Joy of Being Human.” by Keira Poulsen.
— For as long as I can remember, I have always felt like I do not belong. Religion, friend groups, school... you name it; I always felt like an outsider. Upon reflection, I think this Earth has made me feel that I don't belong.
Human life has had its challenges for me. There was childhood abuse. I was born with really big ears that stuck out. I was super creative and highly sensitive. I could feel other people's emotions and that made me want to be alone. I had many spiritual gifts that I was unaware of, which made human life uncomfortable.
But the paradox is that despite all this, I have loved life on this planet. I have always found joy in the smallest moments in life. The leaves fluttering in the wind can bubble up joy from my heart. The views of the sunrise and the sunset can fill my soul with excitement. A cow grazing in a pasture can rouse feelings of peace and tender gratitude.
The truth is that human life is a paradox. It is truly one of the most extraordinary experiences to have. We have been blessed with senses that activate pleasure and joy in our beings. As humans, we have the ability to connect to others and to feel love. joy is the basis of human existence. I believe that joy is our inherent birthright.
And... human existence is smothered in pain. There is abuse, addiction, isolation, and suffering. Disconnection is rampant, as suffering pulls you inside yourself and disconnects you from those around you. Addiction is the numbing agent used for the pain. Abuse is tied into the generational patterns that have been tethered to our cells. Isolation is the coping mechanism to shut out the suffering of others and is the hope of protection.
These are all real. And...they are here, even among the joy. The pain and the joy; they can't be separated. They beautifully balance out each other. The pain deepens your feelings of joy.
Without the pain, joy would cease to be novel. As a constant feeling, it would become monotonous. Uneventful and boring.
Joy is the relief from pain. It is the light that pours through our beings and activates hope, happiness, and love.
There is a need for both. There would be no light if there was no darkness. The contrast is what makes the other real. It is from this context that I am writing this book for you. I hold pain and joy in reverence. They are sacred. They make us experience life in its grandest and most abundant ways. It is suffering that clouds our minds and, perhaps, stunts our growth. Suffering is not needed. And yet... for most people, it is where they spend their days. Suffering is a choice. Pain is necessary for growth, contrast, and healing. Suffering will only mask your gifts and delete your joy.
Suffering DELETES joy.
But, very few of us have been taught that you choose to suffer. Instead, it is a way of being, having been passed down through the generations.
Suffering is accepted in society as a way of life.
It is taught that it is fine to suffer, to be unhappy, to be cynical, afraid, guarded, and full of complaints.
How many times do you talk to someone on the phone with all these flavors of suffering dominant in the conversation?
Why is it more common to hear complaints and unhappiness rather than the joyful and magical things that are occurring in their life?
Sadly, suffering is what is accepted.
The joy and magic are rejected.
If you were to share the magic of the sunrise and the joy you felt as you planted seeds on a particular day, with everyone you talked to that day... you, probably, won't be received well. Would you feel accepted, if you were to tell your friend about the joy you felt when your favorite song came up on the radio, or that you felt deep joy as you rocked your baby to sleep that morning? These are just not acceptable conversations in our world.
But, if you were to complain about your marriage, your kids, or your job... you would be received with open arms and yes, the other party would present a bunch of their own complaints.
Misery attracts company.
And at some level, this has become our society's way of acceptable conversations.
During this year of 2020, this has become more apparent than ever. Sharing positive and happy things have felt out of place, and they have not been easily received by others.
Sharing your suffering, though, has been wildly accepted, and you are part of the majority. If you jump in and share your suffering, you feel as though you belong! You are invited to join this popular group of suffering and unhappiness.
Why do we join in? Suffering isn't desired. But belonging is. We all want to feel as though we belong. It is an innate desire. I have heard it described as our tribal feelings. Look at our ancestors' lives: they had to belong, or they would be kicked out from their tribe. I agree with this theory. And I also believe it is rooted in our desire for connection.
Connection is our lifeblood. It is what we ache for. Connection is what makes us human! And the idea of being disconnected and not belonging is scarier than anything else.
And so, we suffer to belong. But what if I told you that suffering was only an illusion? An illusion that seems so realistic, most people believe it to be as true as the arm on their body.
It is my belief that each one of us were prepared to belong here. We were prepared with unique gifts, talents, and high sensitivities, which were designed to help humanity at the time we came to live.
And the illusion of suffering is the foremost tool to hijack you on your path. It can literally stop you in your tracks and keep you stunted.
Suffering is what will cover your spiritual eyes, dumb down your gifts, and plague your life with unhappiness and dead ends.
Suffering wipes out joy. The good news is... suffering is purely a choice. You have the right to choose if you want to jump into this illusion of suffering, or if you want to remove it from your body and instead choose joy. This workbook is designed to help you remember joy. And that is simply it. We came here knowing joy. We came to this Earth embodied with joy. And somewhere along the journey, we forgot it. We forgot how easy joy is. All we need to do is simply remember what we have always known. We know joy. It is at the origin of our existence. Joy is our divine birthright.
I have learned of some simple tools, which will begin to heighten your awareness of joy. I believe if you commit to working through this workbook, you will awaken a remembrance inside of you, which activates JOY. I believe that when you start experiencing more joy, your deep longing to belong will start fading away because the remembrance of your gifts and purpose will start to rise.
As your purpose begins to sprout forward, nourished by your joy; you will remember that you do indeed belong.
You belong here because you were prepared to be here. You have gifts, which this world needs. And as you begin to share your gifts, your whole being will radiate with fulfillment and joy.
You, my friend, belong here.
SPIRITUAL LIGHT: ILLUMINATING OUR REALITY
These are some of my favorite passages in “Spiritual Reality: Transforming the Ordinary into the Extraordinary” by Lydia A. Mitchell, Ph.D.
Unconditional love is usually associated with spirit. We are generally considered too weak or are considered to be sinners, and so we are not capable of unconditional love. Maybe it is the definition, and not us?
We hear about unconditional love in many different forms.
— It is something that parents are expected to have for their children.
— Sometimes it can be used to inspire guilt by others or in ourselves.
— Sometimes it can be used to make us do something that we do not want to do, or we do not think it is appropriate for us.
— It can also be a goal that we wish to attain.
Few people will admit to having unconditional love. It does mean different things to different people. For me, unconditional love is being able to see others and accept who they are, without wanting to change them and without judgment. It is honoring the choices they have made in their lives and for their souls’ purpose. We cannot know why they are doing and choosing what they have. It involves letting them make the choices in their lives without judgment.
Helping those you love unconditionally without judgment or feeling sorry for them gives them the freedom to carry out their paths knowing they are loved. You are honoring and empowering them.
There is a saying that you become what you judge. A personal experience with regard to this brought the saying home to me in a loud and clear way. It happened when I was a postdoctoral student in Scripps Research Clinic in California. I had a running partner, and we would run in Torrey Pines along the cliffs paths at lunchtime. He had diabetes and had to inject himself every day. Occasionally we would have lunch after the run, and he would get a hot dog. At this point in my life, I was training for a triathlon and was food conscious. I was horrified that he would eat hot dogs with his medical condition. I was judging his food choices. However, I noticed that I started to crave hot dogs—and I started eating them. I could not understand why until I connected the judgment I had of him and his food choices. To this day, I still have a weakness for hot dogs. So be careful what you judge, because you may end up being just that!
When you help others while judging them, you are loving them conditionally. The condition is that they would be better with your view of how they should be. You are fulfilling your own beliefs and needs. You cannot know what another soul needs to learn and grow. You can simply love them as they are and help them when they indicate that they want the assistance.
Spirit has given us this unconditional love. The greatest gift we have is freedom. We are free to do as we choose. God has let us face the consequences of our choices. We in turn grow and experience life to its fullest. True, we are likely missing some of the information that connects us to spirit, however that will come with our growth and development.
— When we look at the significance of spirit in the physical world, it is a different story. We have enough to be happy and grow. Let me explain. When you see the physical world through a spiritual light, you illuminate many more possibilities of feeling complete without the need for more and more physical toys. You start to see that you have what you need to develop and grow. If you feel incomplete, you can ask for assistance. The assistance can come from a physical as well as spiritual connection of all the things around you. It expands your horizons to see a depth in the world. This depth is not evident in a purely physical interpretation of the world.
You become clearer in what it is you need. When you look around you from a spiritual aspect, it becomes obvious that you have exactly what you need. You can want something else. When you come from a spiritual reality perspective, it is a want that brings pleasure to a being that is coming from completion, rather than from lack. You can develop and grow with what you have in your life as is, or you can have more physical things. You can also expand in a spiritual and material way, coming from your connection with spirit and all that is.
From a spiritual perspective, you have faith that you will get what you need in the physical world when it is appropriate. This faith carries you through times that may appear to be problematic. Take the example of an event not happening. This is a thwarted expectation. Thwarted expectations are usually the biggest upset for people. My experience has consistently been that if I have a thwarted expectation of an event not taking place, it is for the best in the long run.
I had a holiday in Wales that I loved. Traveling by rented car was challenging due to dealing with the traffic, road signs, narrow roads, and roundabouts. I did not have a GPS at the time. My idea of being a tourist is to walk in a park or on the beach and see a few castles and sights.
I decided to branch out and go to Big Pit, an old coal mine. The trip was a disaster. There was hours of congested traffic. Bear in mind that I lived in the quiet Patagonia area of Chile, and I was not used to a lot of traffic. In the end, I was too late to see the Big Pit; I had to drive back with my goal unmet and much frustration.
Then on the way back, I simply let go. I stopped at a lovely, quiet lake with only a few people and pets enjoying the scenery. I realized that I would not make another trip like that on my holiday. I had learned where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do with my time. The hours of frustration and traffic became a constructive learning experience for my holiday. No experience need ever be wasted.
There is always something you can learn about yourself and what you are choosing. Life is a blessing when looked at in this light. Everything and every experience is of value. If you do not like what is happening, transform it into something that you do like. Also, give time and space a chance to transform the situation.
Think about your own life. I am sure you will find many cases where missing out on something resulted in the final analysis to be for the best. This is something you need to remind yourself of when you are upset over thwarted expectations. You never know for sure the real outcome till time has passed. Keeping in mind that what happens to you is for the best and highest in spiritual terms helps bring perspective to missed opportunities.
— When you come from a viewpoint that all is as it should be, the scenery in your life looks different. It is clearer, relaxed, and more appreciative of what you have. You can see where you want to go. You can appreciate what you have and learn from others. This is a form of declaration. You declare that all is as it should be. As the creator of your life, you are the only one who can declare it so.
With this declaration, you can more forward to observe, enjoy, and learn from your life on a different level.
You can be grateful for coincidences that appear in life and take note of what they are showing you. The coincidences can be as simple as meeting a friend you were thinking about and had not seen for months. Then suddenly, the person is in front of you on a crowded street in the middle of town. It can also be more complex, involving different people and situations. I moved from Australia to San Diego, California. One night I went out with friends and met an old acquaintance from Australia who had recently moved to San Diego. San Diego is a big city a continent away from Australia, and yet we met again and continued our friendship, which had lapsed due to distance and time. The coincidences that can appear in your life are amazing when you start to look for them and appreciate them.
You begin to appreciate that what you need will flow to you, even when you do not directly ask for it. It may be a need that is there, but on a subconscious level. So too with physical objects: they will come to you with time, when you allow it. If a physical object does not manifest, ask yourself whether it is something you really needed. Let go of wanting it and see what happens. Will it come into your sphere, or will you decide that it is something you really did not need now? You still may want that new TV, but on the other hand you can live happily without it. Life is less focused on the physical needs and more on the internal and spiritual needs that bring joy to your life.
This gives you a greater sense of connection rather than isolation, which so much technology fosters. Yes, Facebook connects people, as does the Internet, and they can be wonderful. However, it is a connection devoid of direct human contact and expression. It is hard to look the person in the eyes and see their feelings. There is less likelihood of reading between the lines of a person’s response. When you are face-to-face, it is easier to read the energy emanating from a person.
On the other hand, one could argue that in the future, technology will force us to use our intuition and connection with spirit more, in order to go to the heart of the person on the other end of the computer. We will be forced to go to an even greater spiritual understanding in order to bridge the physical and technological distance.
AWARENESS IS THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE
These are some of my favorite passages in “The Inmate and the Medium: A True Story About Loss, Love and Freedom” by Tammy De Mirza
— What we think we are doing is not what we are doing!
One of the biggest challenges in our lives is getting to the truth of what is going on, rather than what we want to believe. I have met people who believe they are behaving a certain way or having certain life experiences, only to have me dispel every one of their beliefs and tell the truth about their lives. That was the work I did with Phil.
I have told many clients that they are doing something that is not beneficial, only to have them get angry, raise their voices, and try to convince me otherwise. I tell them, “Oh yes? You did this twice this morning, once while you were spreading jelly on your toast and then again while you were driving. Your phone rang, and you said it to your friend.” They will be in shock and unsure what to say; some laugh, and others cower, knowing they have been seen and cannot hide. Neither God nor I ever intend to expose them; we want to help them understand what their patterns or thoughts are and how they affect them. Awareness is the only way you can change your life; you cannot change what you are not aware of! My work is about helping people become aware.
People are scared and have strong reactions when they know they have been discovered in this way. Either they are open and want the truth, or they fight it because it is all they know. I have learned that those who are hungry enough run to the truth, even if it hurts when they hear it. It is wild to be able to know the intricacies of one’s life. It is not easy breaking up people’s paradigms, because that is who they think they are. However, once the truth is revealed, the truth is the only thing that will set them free.
This is the best way for me to explain the work I was doing with Phil. I was also doing my own work, suffering my own dis-ease of the mind, going through my own process of revelations of truth. I was following the recipe God gave me when I was fifteen and was becoming proficient at working through it. I would take my time, grieve, cry, feel the pain, knowing that once I embraced the truth for myself, I could forgive, heal, and choose again. I saw the beauty and benefit in doing the work within. Things opened, my mind became clearer, and information flooded in.
With time, and thanks to Phil, I became comfortable with information I previously did not want to give. I learned not to withhold information and to trust; God knows best in all situations. I was not to question it, but allow myself to be the messenger. It was not my decision to decide who gets what; I was the conduit, and I could not judge what felt good to or might hurt the person for whom I was reading. I was obligated to give them the truth, because that was the only way to freedom, the only way home.
I continued to work with Phil day after day we could visit in prison. In May, we had decided seeing each other for four or five days each month was not enough, and I started visiting him twice a week, on Monday and Friday. In the prison at that time, inmates only had nine points; weekdays were one point, and weekends were three points.
In the middle of this intense work, Tom asked me if little Sophie could live with him permanently. I knew something about this was right, but it was a very difficult and painful decision to give her away. She had been my baby, and my love for her had not waned in the months I had been away. I gave her to him. He explained that on the occasions I came for a visit, she would be down for days, hurting after I left. She had communicated to me many times when I was crying over her loss that Tom needed her more than I did, and it was okay, she was happy.
Another great example of the work I did with Phil—to break down the idols he’d built because it was easier to believe in them rather than the actual truth—centered around his concept of people loving him and their roles in his life.
You cannot possibly know the higher wisdom of why a person is in your life until you can see the truth about the relationship. People are not typically in your lives for the reasons most of you think they are. They are there to assist with your growth or to serve as your nemeses. Once that truth is revealed, you will know why those people are in your life and can then honor their role, instead of becoming hurt, judgmental, or confused.
I learned this lesson the hard way with my own mother. I wanted her to love me in a certain way. I wanted her to be different, and when I finally asked God why she was who she was in my life, He told me to honor her “real” purpose, which was far greater than I knew. He taught me that I had to let go of my need to get something from her. I then asked God to show me the real reason she was in my life, how she was to contribute. It was a difficult but beautiful process of understanding the differences between what I wanted her to be and her real role, to admit the truth about what I had done with her role, which changed her ability to assist me. It set me free. I wasn’t asking Phil to face or do something I did not have the courage to do or face myself. I was sharing my experiences with him and the benefits of doing the work within.
This was true about the girlfriends, family, friends, and associates in Phil’s life. These people would line up in front of me, (whether they were alive or had transitioned), and give me details about their roles in Phil’s life—what they were, how Phil perceived them, and then the actual truth. Sean started this process, and it continued with others.
I would describe the people and alter Phil’s perception about who they were, so we could get to the beautiful truth of using and honoring them in spiritual ways. We worked through a lot of forgiveness opportunities.
ECSTASY IS ESSENTIALLY A SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE
These are some of my favorite passages in “The Ecstatic Experience: Healing Postures for Spirit Journeys” by Belinda Gore.
— We have a collective longing for ecstasy, a hunger as fundamental and persistent as the need for food. How interesting that our bodies are designed—“hardwired”—for the experience of ecstasy and yet, for so many people in the contemporary world, the condition of ecstasy deprivation creates so much suffering. It was Felicitas’s theory that ecstasy deprivation is the underlying cause of all addictions. As a psychologist who has treated alcoholism, eating disorders, and other addictive behaviors for many years, I wholeheartedly agree. Even though addictions are related to genetic predisposition and faulty neurology, the basic biology that produces the physical experience of ecstasy has gone haywire in a culture that does not teach us how to achieve it naturally.
Ecstasy is essentially a spiritual experience. We are ecstatic when our conscious awareness transcends the ego but at the same time aligns with the body, allowing us to be fully aware physically but without the inner dialogue of the mind. That is why sex is the form of ecstasy that many people can recognize. The physical experience of sexual pleasure overcomes the mind’s incessant thinking and we are relieved, for the moment, of our brooding about the past and anticipation of the future. Among the ancient Egyptians there were specific rituals for using the ecstatic states awakened through sex to nourish the energy of the subtle body, known to the Egyptians as the ka. The hunger for ecstasy was acknowledged as a real hunger because ecstasy is food for the ka body, giving it vitality and potency. The ka not only sustains the physical cells and tissue, but also provides for the capacity to experience and express the conceptual reality, the Logos, that enlivens the physical tissue. Curiously, it is taught that shame is poison to the ka and that ecstasy is needed to detoxify the bodies from the negative effects of shame.
Other options for ecstasy are, of course, available. Drugs, alcohol, chocolate, and adrenaline rushes—from fear or extreme sports—can all provide the same initial experience but without long-lasting effect. Alternatively, native people around the world used to have a complex system of ritual body positions that make it easy to have an ecstatic experience. The use of a specific sacred pose accompanied by drumming or rattling can engage the body’s natural ability to heighten brain activity and activate a state of consciousness that lies dormant during ordinary daily life. To experience that state is to experience ecstasy.
— Spiritual initiation is a process of learning, step-by-step, how to die and be reborn. How wise these ancient cultures and civilizations were to have a well-developed method for teaching everyone this essential skill that puts all the rest of living into a meaningful context. For many years I have thought about ways to incorporate initiation postures, and the skill of learning how to die and be reborn, into contemporary workshops. Helping people to know what to expect can only assist in learning to easily let go at the time of death, and understanding what is occurring is a wonderful support for the friends and families of those who are dying.
A decade ago we organized a workshop in Missoula, Montana, on death and dying. Missoula is the home of the Chalice of Repose project in which musicians are taught how to accompany people in their dying process, using music to ease the transition into death. Graduates of the Chalice of Repose project as well as the local hospice organization attended the workshop and were very enthusiastic about the valuable addition of initiation trances to assist those who are dying. A board member of the hospice organization said that every staff member and volunteer of every hospice program should have this training, but at the time we did not have the resources to follow through with this vision. A few years later two of us offered workshops for cancer patients and their families using initiation postures; the group members loved it but the hospital staff was uneasy about our unorthodox method. We were not invited to continue.
Most recently I returned to Santiago, Chile, last winter to continue teaching ecstatic postures. We designed a workshop called Buen Morir, or Good Dying, to teach people how to learn about dying through trance and then to become “midwives” to the dying. While hospice is a program of palliative care for people at the end of life, Buen Morir gives their friends and families the tools and resources they need to support this end-of-life process in a loving and meaningful way through under- standing the losses experienced by the person who is dying, how to talk about dying, completing end-of-life tasks such as saying good-bye, clarifying one’s legacy and making meaning of one’s life, making plans for rituals, and managing pain through healing postures. We teach breathing exercises and go through an experiential process to replicate the loss of roles and identity that causes so much anxiety when people approach death. Through the trance experiences, workshop participants began to discover what Kathleen Dowling Singh identified, that “dying, remarkably, is a process of natural enlightenment.”1 My colleague, Paula Olivares, has facilitated another Buen Morir training for a hospital staff in Santiago and we hope the program will continue.
The first time I experienced dying through an ecstatic trance posture, I found myself traveling down into the Realm of the Dead, falling like a rag doll down a steep bank. Later I learned that this was like a spirit journey to the Lower World and I came to anticipate going down, sometimes as a skier or maybe diving off a high cliff into the sea. When I came to a fire, I entered it willingly and felt the muscles on my bones grow slack and then drop away until I was only a skeleton. Oddly enough, I observed all of this dispassionately because the essence of “me” was not in the muscles or bones, but was simply a curious wit- ness. Supported by the posture and the sound of the rattle, I waited quietly as my bones were placed in the fire, the final release of the molecules and atoms I had borrowed to make a physical body. It was quite dark and there was nothing to do but wait. My spirit began rising above the earth, into pink and blue clouds, then upward toward the red disk of the sun. The sadness of saying good-bye was replaced by tears of joy. Elated, I knew I was going home.
This group of initiation postures is in female forms and all of them come from the Middle East and Egypt. The first one, the Inanna Posture, supports a journey of descent similar to Inanna’s journey as told in Sumerian myth. The experience facilitated by the Ishtar Posture focuses on sensuality, sex, and fertility. This is the stage in birth, death, and rebirth in which we take on a physical body and learn to enjoy it. The Sekhmet Posture teaches us to be awake in death and rebirth, and to learn the dance of coming into form, landing in newly acquired bodies, and then leaving form. Finally, the Shawabty Posture seems to focus on how to die and often takes us into experiences of funerals and simi- lar ceremonies, so that we become familiar with this part of the process and do not hold back from it. Paradoxically, learning how to die helps us to appreciate what it means to be alive and how to fully live.
LOVING MYSELF IS LISTENING TO MY HEART
These are some of my favorite passages in “The Healing” by Lynda Schmidt.
Back On Vancouver Island, Cate is excited to be reunited with Fredrick, ready to get back into her routine. She sends a text to Finn.
“Driving up the Malahat now. There in 10 minutes.”
She pulls onto Finn’s gravel driveway and leaps from
the car, throwing the keys into her handbag. As she climbs the wooden stairwell she can hear a ruckus inside Finn’s apartment. Her knock on the door goes unanswered, so she tries the knob and discovers it is unlocked. She crosses the threshold to arrive into total chaos. The apartment is a mess, as Cate is discovering is par for the course.
“Finn? It’s Cate,” she calls out to no answer. She steps over a pile of dirty laundry before she turns into the kitchen where she sees Finn on his phone. He waves to her but doesn’t interrupt his call. Fredrick comes scampering over, his tail wagging like crazy, and she bends down to pet him while he licks her hand. Cate starts to pick up Fredrick’s belongings, which are scattered all over the place.
His water dish and food bowl, crusty with remnants, are on the kitchen floor. She gathers everything up and puts it into Fredrick’s Rubbermaid storage container and waits a few more minutes, but Finn is still on the phone. The television blares. Finn’s teenage kids yell at one another. It is all she can do not to cry.
“Text me later,” she yells over the din. “I’m going to take Fredrick home.”
Finn barely seems to register, and Cate departs without a reply.
On the drive home, Cate is lost in thought. She knows that Finn is not her love. She reminds herself she isn’t looking for love, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t want something more. She considers the many red flags, the biggest of which is her discontent. She doesn’t feel appreciated. She tells herself not to be judgmental, that these little things don’t matter, but they do. Cate is beginning to understand that acceptance isn’t about settling, it’s about choosing. She wants something Finn can’t give her, and she knows it isn’t fair to either one of them to keep dragging it on.
When Cate gets home she cuddles up with Fredrick on the couch. She cries softly into his thick fur, grieving her loss. When she is done, she feels inspired to write and gets out her journal.
Angels dancing on my shoulders. Fairies skipping lightly over the Earth, leaving not a trace. Seashells still covering my wounds. I’m yearning for something deeper. A knowing in my heart, rooted in my Spirit.
I know the dance. The Teacher was here and danced and called us to love. If you have ears, listen, he said.
The purpose of our existence is love and only love. Part of loving myself is not accepting less than I desire. Part of loving myself is listening to my heart.
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