How many times have you attended a networking event and the opening question from someone you just met is, “So, what do you do?”
Of course you have. And I bet you’ve asked the same question in return. Not that there’s anything wrong with the question, but if you pause and think about it for a moment, it’s rather impersonal.
But then again, so are we.
Western culture has trained us to demonstrate a strong work ethic. And in our devotion to production, we’ve been taught to place more emphasis on the profession rather than the person. We identify ourselves by what we do more than who we are.
Many of us have also been conditioned to separate work and life, but this separation can wreak havoc on our personalities. Namely, we end up having to manage two different personas—the “work me” and the “personal me.”
But in other parts of the globe, the perspective is different.
When I lived and worked in Bangalore, my fellow coworkers were more interested in getting to know me (as a person) before we started working together. My team understood that work is an extension of who we are—not the other way around. In India, they believed that people come before process.
When we equate our personal identity with only what we are doing, we miss out on the other half of the equation: who we are being. Throughout our lifetime, what we “do” is dynamic and changing, but who we “be” remains consistent. In fact, our human being is always growing, learning, and evolving.
Our lives have momentum, and so do our careers. So when we have a shift in employment—when a large part of what we are doing changes—the effects ripple into all the other areas of our life.
Whether it’s sudden career transition like a layoff, or planned transition such as retirement or building a new business, a shift in career is one of the largest stressors we can experience in our lifetime. And since we identify ourselves so significantly by what we do, having our career foundation shift can feel like a rug is being pulled out from under us.
Working as a career transition coach, leading The White Box Club™, and having been through several job transitions myself, I’ve experienced firsthand the rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions that career changes bring. If we can know our true selves better—our human beings—then we can stand more resilient and adaptable during these major life events.
Here are some useful tips to help maintain your identity through a career shift or any major life transition:
Keep up with yourself. Life is in constant change and so are we. Keeping up with yourself is honoring your life changes—both on the inside and outside of you—and choosing to deliberately grow. Developing new interests and learning new skills will also keep us engaged in our own personal and professional progress, resulting in having a larger investment in ourselves.
Know your strengths; know yourself. We all have strengths that are unique to us—some are obvious, and some are not. When we identify our strengths by using tools such as CliftonStrengths, we can learn to recognize and appreciate our gifts. In return, the value of knowing our natural talents can bring us increased productivity, confidence, and clarity of purpose.
Seek alignment in your work and relationships. Alignment means that we feel connected and engaged in our work and the people we work with, and this feeling is reflected back to us through the quality of those experiences. When we consciously seek alignment with others, we look for the win-win solution.
Develop a high tolerance for uncertainty. If there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that life is uncertain. There will always be changes and unexpected events. If we can remain flexible in times of stress, we can stay connected to our natural creativity. Since none of us really know what tomorrow will bring, we can choose to relax and let go of the need to know.
You are supposed to be unique. Like our strengths, each of us has unique talents and gifts to bring to the world. Appreciate your differences—they’re what make you valuable and wonderful just the way you are. Celebrate your individuality! And know that there will always be new opportunities and relationships waiting for you to discover them.
So the next time you meet someone new, try “Tell me more about yourself,” or “What are you excited about?” instead of the obligatory “What do you do?” See how the conversation changes about their being more than doing.
Isn’t it about time?
This article was written by Michael Thomas Sunnarborg
Whether our irritations result from problems at work—like managing a difficult boss—or issues at home, we have more control over the momentum of each day than we think.
Thousands of thoughts barrage us each day. But just like advertisements, we choose to focus on only a handful of those thoughts—usually the ones with the most emotional power.
If our thoughts are positive and productive, they will lift our mood. But when our thoughts are critical or negative, they will fuel our bad day.
The good news is that we can control our thoughts.
When we find ourselves stuck in patterns of chronic thought, we can shift our awareness by deliberately focusing on something else—something healthier.
This is not to suggest that we ignore problems or serious situations. Instead, we can deliberately shift ourselves away from “stinking thinking” by accepting situations and people as they are and then turning our attention to creating positive momentum. Usually the things we worry about the most are either out of our control or haven’t even happened and never will.
The key to breaking the momentum of a bad day is to create our own healthy distractions.
So, the next time you find yourself in a grumpy grind, try one of these quick tips—or think of your own—to help bring you some rapid relief:
Take Deep Breaths. The power of breath has been scientifically proven to slow the heart and relieve stress, especially during difficult times. Besides the physical benefits, stopping and breathing consciously can slow the momentum of negative thoughts, help to calm our worries, and reconnect us with our quiet spiritual intuition.
Change The Focus. Pay attention to what and whom you are paying attention to. Does focusing on that thought or person make you feel better or worse? Remember: Whatever you pay attention to will grow—whether it’s something you want or don’t want. So, when you find yourself focusing on something or someone you can’t accept or understand, shifting focus back to yourself will help. Best rule of thumb? Keep the focus on yourself—in a healthy way. What others are doing is out of your control.
Write It Down. Having annoying thoughts that won't give you a break? Take five minutes and write them down on a piece of paper—or create a note in your phone—and get them out of your head. Just a few minutes of purging our negative or persistent thoughts can create a space for relief. When in doubt, get it out.
Talk It Out. Similar to writing down thoughts, simply putting words to our crappy day can create a significant shift in our attitude. Call a friend or meet up for lunch or coffee. Having someone validate our feelings may be all it takes for us to find relief; good friends were created for precisely this purpose.
Take A Tech Break. Unplugging from the net is not only helpful, it's essential in our accelerating world, especially with the proliferation of fake news. Online chatter and social media will go on without us, and taking a break from escaping into cyberspace and giving our physical friends and family the benefit of our time and attention will always get a big "Like"—maybe even a hug or two.
Find Your Happy Place. Think about those activities and environments that bring you happiness. Do you like to exercise? Then go for a walk during lunchtime. How about music? Try playing a favorite song. Or perhaps it’s spending a few minutes engaged in something like reading or playing a game that will bring a quick shift in your mood. Find what works and use those solutions on your down days.
We are always the only ones responsible for our attitude. The best way we can support ourselves is to keep learning about what brings us feelings of well-being and then remembering to activate them on our bad days. Over time, we may find that better days will come more often.
This article was written by Michael Thomas Sunnarborg
Our personal relationships are an essential part of life. We are naturally wired to connect and collaborate with others.
Healthy relationships contain core essential elements including respect, appreciation, and freedom. In balanced relationships, each person contributes thoughts and feelings while remaining responsible for his or her own behavior.
Healthy relationships are equitable; both people contribute equally — or at least balance out in the long run. Lack of balance in a relationship can show up as criticism, control, or neglect. Unhealthy relationships not only erode the mind and body, they create barriers and slow our spiritual growth.
In order for our relationships to remain healthy, here are five considerations:
Communication is consistent. Without clear communication, relationships wither. We are all unique individuals, and our perceptions, assumptions, and conclusions are also unique. Having differing opinions can be a good thing! Too much of the same routine can result in complacency and boredom. And communication isn’t just speaking; effective listening skills are imperative. Sometimes we learn the most about ourselves from each other.
Respect isn’t optional; it’s necessary. Unhealthy relationships are often a result of losing respect for one another. Respect comes from appreciating differences, considering perspectives, and honoring preferences. Once you lose respect for someone, the relationship starts to unravel. Over time, respect — like trust — can be earned by actions and words. Even if a relationship has become stagnant or distant, respect can still endure.
Healthy boundaries are clear. Creating healthy personal boundaries facilitates self-reliance and helps to develop nurturing, loving, and mature relationships. Having clear boundaries requires that we focus on ourselves and learn to communicate our preferences in healthy and respectful ways. Setting personal boundaries allows us to express our truth and beliefs to others with confidence and courage. Acknowledging and honoring the personal boundaries of others demonstrates respect and builds trust.
Growing together is as important as growing individually. We are all in a perpetual state of growth and expansion. When we grow individually, we expand our thoughts and beliefs by learning from ourselves. When we grow in relationships, we learn from each other. The contrast that our relationships bring may cause us to grow apart unless we make a commitment to recognize our differences as strengths. Growing together in relationship means being able to learn from each other, embrace differences, and choose to walk together on a common path.
Follow the love. Authentic love conquers all doubt, fear, shortcomings, feelings of inadequacy, and negativity. To be truly loved by someone is to be recognized and “seen” for all of the things we are — complete and whole — with all of our strengths and weaknesses; ups and downs; fabulousness and foibles. And it all begins with us. When we learn to love, accept, support, and appreciate ourselves, our relationships will always benefit.
This article was written by Michael Thomas Sunnarborg
